Billy Bonkers Cigarette Factory

Author's notes: -

I imagine everyone knows the route behind this story. I have tried to be imaginative and reimagine it and take the same humorous idea to what could happen.

Feedback (positive or negative) is of course appreciated, but not expected.

Enjoy

Baz

Chapter One

Charlotte trudged slowly past the large dark factory with the wind fighting against her large grey waterproof hood, she tugged at the strap of her rucksack as her feet glided over the polished concrete path, as she made her way home from her café at the end of her street. Her mother was for ever asking her to lift her feet as she walks. "It wears out your soles!" she would bellow "We are not made of money!".

The rain-soaked perimeter walls to the factory where five metres high with large scary twisted barbed wires stretched along the top, as she got to the old rusting wrought iron gate and the only way to see in, she briefly glanced to see the Victorian red brick factory. Looming into the skyline were two large brick towers with steam and smoke twisting up into the equally grey sky.

No one in the area had any idea who or what went on in the factory. It used to be a busy buzzing cigarette factory, and the café where Charlotte worked was a very busy and popular lunch venue for all the workers. A few years ago, before she got to work there, the mysterious owner fell out with the unions and all the staff had to leave. The unemployment in the town had made this poor area of town even poorer. She was lucky to get a job there once she left work.

It helped pay some of the rent on her house. They scraped by, just about.

However, just over the road the factory kept running. People were genuinely surprised to keep seeing hundreds of trucks going through the gate each week containing thousands upon thousands of cigarette packs. The town gossiped about what happens inside, it was the only thing many would talk about. The old men at the café still relive between going outside for their cigarettes the good old days of working in the factory. They all hated that it was now fifteen years since they were turfed out of their well-paid jobs. However, ask around and all would love to go back at a drop of the hat. They talk of the comradery and how working for Billy made everything better.

There was large downside to the changing of the guard in the town. A huge social and economic problem. With having a cigarette factory in the town meant everyone smoked. Yes, they knew it was bad for them. Their parents and their parents before them, it was drummed into them repetitively to smoke support the local industry. Keep everyone employed, however bad, however ill it made you, it was for the good of local society.

Even with the workers thrown out. The town still kept smoking. They were locked in with the factory, as everyone still felt that smoking Bonkers was a good thing.

Charlotte was no different. She exhaled a large cloud of her latest exhale and her smoke and the vapour of her breath on the cold day made the cloud look overly large before it dissipated against the grey sky. With a sigh Charlotte dropped and stubbed the cigarette out amongst the others scattered on the grey pavement before opening her black painted front door.

"Evening Charlie! Lovely day again if you are a duck!" Joan sarcastically said as Charlotte pushed and closed the front door and shivered as she unwrapped her coat and hung it up before walking into the equally cold house.

"Wonderful mum, work was quiet again. It always is..."

"I can imagine, a cold Wednesday is never going to be busy." Joan shivered. They really could not afford to put the heating on.

"True, I have brought some leftovers home for tea."

"Oh, you are a star darling"

"It's ok, need something to feed us this evening, I am starving!"

"Let me boil the kettle and we can have a cup of tea. I need something to warm me up. Cold leftovers won't do it!" Joan muttered as she moved back towards the kitchen.

As the kettle started to whistle and bounce on the hob.

"Oh Charlie, did you see in the paper today that in every pack of 20 Bonkers Reds that there sold might be a silver ticket to get in to see that old factory next to your café and a promise of a lifetime supply of Reds?"

"Oh?"

"Isn't it exciting?"

Charlotte shrugged her shoulders. "To be honest, I didn't mum didn't go near the paper today, but that does sounds interesting." She smiled and rubbed her lips together as she thought for a second. "Talking of a Bonker, do you want one, I think I have a couple left. I promise I will get a new pack at the corner shop on the way home from work tomorrow?"

Joan nodded and smiled. "Oh, yes please, why not sweetie, I love a Bonker or two. Let me stew the tea."

***

"I told you hundreds of times, I used to know people who worked in the factory." Joan reminisced before bringing the filter back to her lips as she drew on her cigarette.

"Really?" Charlie asked before she took a deep drag as she lit up too.

"Yes, my dear, they always said it was a secretive place, when I was young, about 30 years ago it also used to be a sweet factory."

"Really mum, no one ever said, sweets?"

"Yes, the mysterious owner, Billy Bonker," she paused as she inhaled and the held the smoke enjoying the moment before she then exhaled, "overnight got it converted to a cigarette factory because everyone complained Bonker had too much sugar in his sweets!"

"Really mum? They complained about sugar, but not so much about the nicotine and tar in these?" she said looking at the burning white cylinder between her fingers before dangling it and tying her long straight auburn hair back into a ponytail with a green hair band she took from around her wrist.

"Yes, crazy, I know!" Joan remarked as she studied her fingers with the burning cigarette.

Charlie exhaled and returned the cigarette to her fingers "Maybe you should have kept me on sweets mum?" Then sniffed before she had a gentle smokers cough.

Joan nodded, "Yes, maybe I should have done, they were certainly cheaper!" She smiled and manicured her cigarette and then opened the paper with great flourish. "But here" Joan said opening the paper "look at this half page advert on page 5 it's serious!"

'I, Billy Bonker, have decided to allow five people- just five, mind you, and no more - to visit my amazing factory this year. These lucky five will be shown around personally by me, and they will be allowed to see all the secrets and the magic of my cigarette factory. Then, at the end of the tour, as a special present, all of five of them will be given enough cigarettes to last them for the rest of their lives! So, watch out for the Golden Tickets! Five Golden Tickets have been printed on real, not fake, golden paper, and these five Golden Tickets have been hidden in the standard Bonkers Red's. These five cigarette packs may be anywhere - in any shop in any street in any town in any country in the world - upon any counter where Bonker's Cigarettes are sold. And the five lucky finders of these five Golden Tickets are the only ones who will be allowed to visit my factory and see what it's like now inside! Good luck to you all, and happy smoking! (Signed Billy Bonker.)'

Charlotte tutted, "Wow, no wonder why the world has gone Bonkers mad!" as she then tilted her head back and deeply inhaled on her cigarette.

***

They flicked on the television whilst eating their cereal, along with the new of the latest tweet from President Turnip which had sent the stock market in turmoil, were the complaints that Bonker's Cigarette Company was making chain-smokers of the world population in desperation to find the tickets.

Cigarette packs were being cleared off supermarket and tobacconist shelves by addicted and not yet addicted smokers desperate to win a lifetime's supply of nicotine.

"How many trucks of cigarettes do we see trundle down the road?" Joan asked flicking the lighter and almost going cross eyed as she lit her breakfast cigarette.

"Hundreds?"

Joan nodded and forced her exhale. "Who in their right mind would smoke that many to find a ticket?" She asked before again drawing deeply on her cigarette.

"People with silly amounts of money mum?"

"Absolutely, sadly we are not made of money." She tightened her cardigan around her for warmth. "Remind me, you get paid again on Friday?"

***

The TV attached to the wall in the corner of the café had the news channel on, with the endless rolling news, but this time the story had a picture of an obese lady with large red spots on her chin with dark brown hairs growing out of them, grinning with her brown stained teeth holding a pack of Bonker's in one hand a silver ticket in the other. There was a tall man in a grey coat and hat wearing sunglasses standing in the circle of people surrounding her.

The subtitles suggested she was called Octavia Gloop, and she was from Berlin.

"She doesn't need more cigarettes, she needs exercise!" Charlie smiled to herself as she wiped down the red plastic table clothes after the lunch time rush.

Charlie looked up to the screen as the ticker rolled around saying four more silver tickets were still to be found.

***

Over the week Charlotte glanced up to the TV occasionally throughout the day especially in the quiet moments. It was not difficult to spot the breaking news broke as the winners were announced in amongst stories regarding political wars, trade wars and real wars.

On Tuesday the second ticket had been found, and on the television was a slim lady in white jodhpurs and a tight-fitting pink t-shirt over evidently pneumatic breasts, grinning with excessively whitened teeth and her winning pack of Bonker Reds firmly in her hand.

Veronica Pepper, 35 year old had found the ticket after opening her pack her father had bought for her, she later in the interview the let slip that her dad may have bought the whole counties supply of Reds and had is factory staff down tools that day to open every single pack, but once she had finished her third riding session of that day, he had handed her the winning pack for her all-important post ride cigarette.

On Wednesday Violet Biuro, a 22-year-old was shown with her cigarette dangling out of her mouth whilst chewing gum. Her bottle blonde hair was up in a very tight ponytail, with her dark brown painted on eyebrows, in a what looked to Charlotte like she was in a constant state of shock. It amused Charlotte that this girl during the interview had to keep wiggling her hips and pulling down her golden mini skirt down over her very white tattooed thighs to try and stop revealing her evident bright pink underwear. Even with the sound off, Charlotte could guess how she sounded. As she spoke, she chewed and smoked during the whole 3-minute interview. She was pleased she was a winner, but she really wanted to know what a factory was.

On Thursday afternoon the breaking news banner went across the screen. A 45-year-old American, Michelle Eyrepad was paraded in front of the television crews in her expensive dress suit outside a television studio. She was a television executive who was rather embarrassed that everyone now knew she smoked. She had bought the cigarettes on the way home from work, but only because that particular day had been a very stressful. She went to great lengths to explain that doesn't normally smoke that much, and she let everyone know how bad it is for your health and that she didn't condone that she smokes occasionally. She was disappointed with herself that yes, unfortunately she does, she was thoroughly looking forward to visiting the factory, but not necessarily the lifetime supply of cigarettes.

***

With her shoulders slumped Charlotte wiped down the final table of the day, the door to the café opened with the brass bell above the door loudly ringing out.

"Are zee still open?" The tall man in the large grey coat and dark sunglasses asked in a heavily Germanic accent.

"Yes sir, certainly, I haven't any hot food left, but I can certainly do you a hot drink?"

"A cappuccino, large, takeaway?" he asked in a quick-fire monosyllabic way.

"Certainly sir, no problem." Charlotte smiled kindly as she turned her back and started to work the coffee machine behind the counter, "chocolate sprinkles sir?" She asked as she frothed the milk.

"Yes," he abruptly stated. She turned her head and grinned back at him then focused she shook the coca powder over the froth, the counter, and her hand.

Once finished she turned around and handed the gentleman the takeout cup coffee "£2.50 please," she asked.

"Danke," he said as he dug into his pocket and handed her a £20 note, "keep the change, spend it on yourself." He suggested as he picked up the cup, turned and quickly headed out the door.

Charlottes eyes widened "Are you sure?" she asked as she watched the man in the grey coat turn carrying his coffee and went through the door and it shut, the bell attached to it tinkled loudly in front of her as she looked down at the twenty-pound note. She walked over to the till and typed in the £2.50 and as the draw clicked open, she put the £20 note into the till, counted out the £17.50 change and pushed the till back in until it clunked. She then nervously looked around to the empty cafe and then slid the coins into her black jeans pocket, stuffing the notes in afterwards.

***

Charlotte removed the door key from the lock and placed it in her black handbag and picked up her slightly crunched pack of Bonkers and flipped the lid, she frowned and sighed with sadness as she looked at her last remaining cigarette beside her lighter. She picked both up placed the cigarette between her lips and sheltering the cigarette from the gusting wind with her hands, with two deep inhales she got the cigarette alight.

As she then walked along putting her left hand in her pocket to keep it warm whilst she smoked with her right hand. She then found the money and pulled out the ten-pound note. She looked at it inquisitively and the looked up, and out of the corner of her eye she saw the corner shop.

She leaned against the wall of the corner shop and enjoyed the last of post work cigarette. She was not enjoying the weather as the wind loudly whistled down the street, as the cigarette fizzed with one last drag as it reached the filter she exhaled and then dropped it to the floor and stubbed it out with her black work pumps. With a sigh and the last bit of smoke from her lungs exhaled she levered herself off the cold wet wall and headed towards the corner shop, as she reached the door the very same gentlemen, she served in the café an hour ago walked out, nodded, and let her go in.

"A pack of 20 red Bonkers please?" she asked and as the counter girl turned to slide the non-descript white screen to revel the to get a pack, Charlotte looked to the side and picked up a Mars bar and placed it on the counter to eat on the way home.

"Just the one pack? You know people around here have been buying by the ten?" The girl grinned.

"Umm," Charlie said and put her hand back in the pocket and pulled out the five-pound note as well. "Oh, go on, I will get my mum a pack too, she deserves it, just the two packs for me and this Mars bar thanks!" Charlotte replied picking up the chocolate bar to make it obvious which bar she was talking about and raised her eyebrow at the thought of being able afford ten packs of cigarettes and tutted.

The exchanged the money and she put the packs in her handbag and opened the Mars bar and bit the end off and chewed it before opening the door"

"You not going to check now?" Asked the cashier before the door was opened.

"Was planning on getting home, its late!"

"Oh, ok, most people have been sitting cross legged on the floor furiously opening all the packs!"

"Oh, shall we, as you asked!" Charlotte said, letting go of the door letting it close in front of her.

***

"Hello? Mum?" Charlotte panted as she called out as she opened the front door.

"Hello Charlie, how was work?"

Charlotte took a deep breath, "Not too bad, got a large tip, so I have bought us a new pack of twenty Bonkers each this evening!" She continued to pant. She had not run anywhere in years.

"You are so kind to us Charlie, you do know that, why are you out of breath?"

Charlie smiled and nodded as she opened her bag and placed the new packs on the kitchen table.

"Firstly smoking mum, but, mum," she coughed to clear her throat, "I ran home, because, as you will never guess what's happened?" she paused for effect.

"What?"

"Mum, well, you see, funny story..." she paused for dramatic effect "I've won a Bonkers silver ticket!"

Joan laughed and coughed herself. "What, don't pull my leg, are you joking?"

Charlotte enthusiastically shook her head and opened the pack on top to show the silver ticket. "Look mum it's small silver ticket with extremely small print! Mother, do you have the crossword magnifying glass?"

"Oh my, my hands are shaking, this is all terribly exciting, it's in the drawer, give me a minute."

They peered through the magnifying glass to read the following.

'Good greetings to you. The lucky finder of this Golden Ticket, from the great and wonderful Mr Billy Bonker! I shake you warmly by the hand! Tremendous, amazing things are in store for you! Many wonderful surprises await you! For now, I do invite you to come to my factory and be my guest for one whole day - you and all others who are lucky enough to find my Golden Tickets. I, Billy Bonker, will conduct you around the cigarette factory myself, showing you everything that there is to see, and afterwards, when it is time to leave, you will be escorted home by a large truck. This truck, I can promise you, will be loaded with enough cigarettes to last you and your entire household for many years. If, at any time thereafter, you should run out of supplies, you have only to come back to the factory and show this Golden Ticket, and I shall be happy to refill your purse, handbag or whatever you want with as many cigarettes as possible. In this way, you will be able to keep yourself supplied with my amazing product for the rest of your life. But this is by no means the most exciting thing that will happen on the day of your visit. I am preparing other surprises that are even more marvellous and more fantastic for you and for all my beloved Golden Ticket holders - mystic and marvellous surprises that will entrance, delight, intrigue, astonish, and perplex you beyond measure. In your wildest dreams you could not imagine that such things could happen to you! Just wait and see! And now, here are your instructions: the day I have chosen for the visit is the first day in the month of February. On this day, and on no other, you must come to the factory gates at ten o'clock sharp in the morning. Don't be late! One more thing - be certain to have this ticket with you, otherwise you will not be admitted. Billy Bonker.'

"Eek Mum, crikey, you realise that is tomorrow?" Charlotte said almost squealing "I will have to ring Rose and say I can't make it to work tomorrow, oh... oh...this is all rather exciting!" she said bouncing on her toes, practically hyperventilating before grabbing her cigarette pack and lighter and after a couple of deep drags getting it alight.

"You are so lucky I have never ever been in a factory; I would love to ask him why he stopped making those gorgeous sweets and started with these delightfully foul things?" her mum mused out loud before taking a cigarette from the pack in front of her and lighting it too.

They spent the evening excitedly smoking and pacing up and down the living room, not entirely sure what they were meant to be doing.