It all happened on a brisk September Friday that I at first thought was going to be another day in my anorexic solitude. But I guess even in the Finnish autumn weather, pessimism reaches sometimes its limits.
It was the third day of my liquid fast, and I had felt somehow a bit dizzy right from the morning. Anyhow, I also knew that I had lost weight. After drinking a cup of green tea I rushed to make weigh myself and do the morning measuring. The scale wasn't really a friend of mine, but I had to do it while I still were the only one awake.
I took off my silky gown and fiddled my ribs nervously. I counted them carefully, feeling a little proud about how they'd sharpened. When I dared to step on the scale, it stopped at 75lbs. I sighed out of relief and slumped onto the floor trying to hold myself. Even if I was a bit fat-legged for being 5 foot 5, for a while I felt that I wasn't an utterly hopeless whale. All that fasting, sit-ups in the night and diet pills worked.
I held my hipbones like strongly protruding handles. I stroked their hard, edgy shape and took my hand to my empty, grumbling stomach. I wanted to lead my fingers under my ribcage, to the hole, to feel the fat-free hollowness. Anyway I still needed my measuring tape. Bust: 72cm(28 in), almost only nipples rised upon my xylophone-like chest bones. Waist: 50cm (20 in), Hips: 75cm.(29,5in) Love those even numbers. I wondered when Inka would finally accept me.
I had lost 5 lbs since my latest weighing and my BMI was for the first time below 13. My goal weight was only 5 pounds away. My new diet had worked, I had decided to live on supplements, liquids, fruit and meal replacements. By Saturday morning my whole week's calorie intake was around one thousand. I pulled on my new Hello Kitty- underwear that I had had to but from the children's department, because my old clothes didn't stay on me any longer. I loved it how they tensed on my hipbones, leaving a gap through which I could slip my hand inside my pants and touch my shaved pussy. I wore my jogging trousers and three layers of shirts not to freeze to death. I had also started to get nasty looks 'cause of my thinness.
At first I had intended to skip the running, because pro ana-sites had advised me not to exercise too much during fasting to avoid fainting. Anyhow the scale had encouraged me to run two miles before the streets would fill up with people.
I sneaked out carefully not to wake Inka. She's already suspecting that I have an eating disorder, and I'm afraid she'd force me to become a disgusting fatty when she would be sure. There were many positive sides in Inka too.
During my run I thought about how lucky I had actually been when I couldn't get that studio, which I had so much looked forward to, beginning my university freshman year. I had wanted to lock myself away from the evil world, doing my arts and fasting, and to get rid of my weight.
Surprisingly, Inka was probably the best roommate I could have ever had. She was such a lovely cutie. When I were healthy, I had always longed for a girlfriend like her. She was intelligent, kind and cheery, and even a magnificent thinspiration. She had that big sister-type of feeling to her, probably because she was slightly older than I, 22-23 years old I'd guess, I hadn't really ever asked.
Inka's body was as well-proportioned as so-called normal people can have. She was a bit shorter than I, slim and petite. She had a cute thigh gap and visible collar bones, even when she wasn't anorexic as far as I knew. She was however vegan and she danced and did yoga, so it wasn't much of a surprise that with her metabolism she probably weighed just a bit over a hundred pounds. There were moments when I could see from my room the tight, small frame exercising, wearing revealing sports bra and tight leggings that adored her firm but healthy butt. I wonder if she had anorexia too. No, she was way too joyous and self-confident to be anorexic. She didn't even wear the same, baggy kind of clothes I did. Her thick, braided hair was way different from my blonde, shoulder-length wisps. Her mouth was full and sensual, and her cheeks weren't sunken like mine.
I had tried to hide her that I had lost some 15lbs since I had moved in. I made fake sandwiches, exercised when she was away and used thick layers and oversized clothes.
Still, on a few occasions she had implied something about my weight, or drinking her protein shake saying: "You must be quite hungry?"
And she never left me any food. It was almost as if she was giving hints, trying to wrap me around her thumb. She had sure succeeded in it. At the times when I didn't hate the whole world, Inka was one of the few things that made me happy and occasionally even aroused. She agreed to turn the heaters on whenever I felt cold and she often jogged and studied with me, motivating me. She was, in a way, mentally thinner than I, more free and more happy. When I understood that I am just a nervous bag of bones weeping on the floors, way below her league and that I didn't even know yet whether she was lesbian, it made me exercise even harder. Luckily, I had gotten rid of cutting myself some time ago though, I believed it was thanks to my nutrients and Omega 3:s that I had a gentle grip of my mind even while my body was fading away.
I returned home by 9 AM. I was sweaty and dirty, certainly in need of a shower. A very hot, long shower that could ease my shivering feet and drop me into a calm, protecting abyss. I slipped away my clothes with ease, though I faltered a little. I thought I'd probably need another glass of water or juice to stay on my feet. I grabbed my bathrobe and sneaked into the kitchen. On the table layed a multivitamin drink and a glass of apple juice. My heart skipped a beat when I saw a small notice next to the bottle:
"For my little jogger :), Inka."
My eyes wandered around the room nervously, hoping she wouldn't be there looking at me at my worst, with my stick-like legs shaking under the robe. She wasn't there, so I drank the vitamin-drink with gratitude. I decided to skip the sugary apple juice though and went quickly to the bathroom considering Inka must have left for some lecture. I threw the robe on the edge of the sink and went on stretching. I like to stretch before and during shower to feel active. I lifted my leg on the sink and bent my self towards it. I took my left hand off the sink to feel my protruding spine.
I thought I should photograph myself again to know whether all my progress is just a foolish imagination. I grabbed the sponge and saw the mirror cabinet being all steamy. I realised the sauna was being heated. I almost ran to the sauna door, anxious to see if anyone's there. Inka looked at me with a shiny smile.