A Fatal Change - Chapter 1: The Interview
"You no longer have your hands or your feet. What have been the biggest challenges so far?" Rachel asked with her pen ready to jot down every nuance of her interviewee's answer.
"The biggest challenges? No longer being able to play music, which was my whole life. Every hour of every day, I'm wondering if I'm even the same person. That person, that girl who would wake up every day to just breathe and live music has been cut away from me, both literally and figuratively," Elise answered nostalgically with repressed yet deep-seated sorrow.
"Day-to-day, how has your life changed? Would you say you've gotten used to this new way of life?"
"I'm essentially a twenty two year old girl trapped in a baby's body. I can't sit up on my own in bed. I can't go to the bathroom on my own. I can't change, I can't shower, I can't do anything. On the weekends, I'm completely dependent on my mom. And during the week, my caregiver helps me until my mom comes home."
"I imagine your relationship with your mom must have changed in several big ways."
"Yes, it has. She's the most loving person in the world, and I'm so grateful for that. But not having any privacy as an adult definitely takes a toll. Sometimes I get irrationally impatient with her when she's doing her best. But I would say we're becoming better and stronger as a team."
"How about your relationship with your caregiver? Has it been difficult letting someone who used to be a stranger into your life?"
"At first, it was really hard. In the beginning, I was so ashamed of my new body and lack of independence. So letting someone you've never known help you with things, it took some time getting used to. Like I would hold off going to the bathroom if my mom was coming home soon because I didn't want my caregiver helping me with that. And because Rob is a guy, I initially felt very uncomfortable with him helping me. But I've gotten used to it."
"It's been five months since it all happened. Does it feel still completely new to you?"
"I would say I've more or less accepted not having my legs. Like they're gone and I can live with that. But I don't think I'll ever accept losing my arms. I still try do something with my arms - or what remains of my arms - out of habit as if I had hands. Just yesterday, my back was itching and I tried to scratch my back for a split second."
"Is there a reason why you don't use prosthetics?"
"They're pretty much useless for me. You need to have your elbows to be able to manipulate your prosthetic arms. But because my arms were amputated above the elbows, there's really not much I can do with them. Not that I can do much with my stumps. And it's the same with my legs. I essentially have no legs left. So I would have needed hip prosthetics, which are useless for walking if you don't have arms."
"Now obviously, what's happened to you isn't a day-to-day occurrence. Could you explain what happened?"
"Yeah, sure. So what happened was I was taking medications to help with my back pain. I'd been practicing ten hours a day for a competition, and I've always had bad posture my whole life. And one day, I came down with an infection that should have just gone away on its own. But because my immune system was really weakened from the back medications I was taking, I started bleeding internally while my organs were shutting down. To save my life, doctors had to put me on a medication that prevented blood from going to my limbs. And that caused my arms and legs to more or less rot and they were eventually amputated."
"Were you aware of what was happening to you? Or did you one day wake up to realize what had happened?"
"I was in a coma the whole time. So when I woke up in the hospital, my mom had to explain everything. I had trouble believing it wasn't a dream at first. It only hit me once my boyfriend at the time visited the day after and brought me the letters all my classmates had written for me."
"What would you say is the most dominant emotion you feel about what has happened to you? Anger, resentment, disbelief?"
