November 3rd...another birthday. Shit; I turn 53 years old and it is the same old same old. Cards and underwear from my parents and happy birthday phone calls from my brothers and sisters. Just once I wish a birthday could be a little different. Oh well, at least it was Saturday, so I could grab a few extra hours of sleep.
Just as I was dozing off again, the phone rang.
"Hello.."
"Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you..." came the off tune rendition of my best buddy Dave's greeting.
"Dave, isn't it a little early to be torturing me with your singing?"
"Har Har good buddy. I will ignore that little jibe. Just calling to see how you like her."
"Like who? What the Hell are you talking about?"
"Oh, I guess she hasn't arrived. Damn she was supposed to arrive at 8:00. Oh well. Guess I have blown the surprise good buddy, so I will just tell you. I ordered you a beautiful woman to be your little sex slave for your birthday."
"Right Dave."
"Hey, I'm not shittin' you, she is.....
Ding Dong
"Hold on Dave, that's the door bell."
I lay the receiver down and got out of bed and went to answer the door in just my boxers. When I opened the door, there was this massive brunette, about 5'4", and 336 pounds in a mini skirt with a scoop necked top, showing her jiggling deep valley of cleavage.
"Yes, can I help you?"
"Hi, My Name is Trudy Armstrong, and your friend um" pulling a card from her purse, she looked at it and added, "David Murphy" sent me as your birthday present."
My mouth fell open as I surveyed her body with rolls of flesh trying to break free from the confines of her dress.
"Um, I think there must be some mistake. You can come in and have a seat in the living room while I sort this out. I will be right back."
I hurried as fast as I could back to my bedroom and grabbed the receiver and whispered, "What in the fuck were you thinking you moron?"
Dave sounded shocked when he said, "What do you mean Jerry?"
"The woman is a moose. She is huge with a capital H!"
"Man, I'm sorry I don't understand. I saw this ad in the City Paper that said BBWs for Birthdays or any occasion. Doesn't BBW mean Beautiful Birthday Women?"
"Hell no, you douche bag. It means Big Beautiful Women...with a stress on the Big part. What the hell am I going to do with her?"
"Sorry Dude, you'll think of something," and he hung up.
"Sorry Dude...Sorry Dude." I'm going to kick his ass when I see him next time.
I ran my fingers through my hair and slowly walked to the living room, going over in my mind what I could say to this large woman.
Her dress as ridden halfway up her thighs, and she had taken off her jacket to show me that the dress was backless, and I could see acres of skin in soft fleshy folds.
"Um, I'm afraid that there's been a little misunderstanding. I have an extra $20 for all your troubles of coming over here, but Dave said he made a mistake, so I won't be needing you."