I was standing completely naked on stage, well, except for shoes and a hat. The hat covered the goods, but now I had to turn my bare butt to the audience. What would all my friends think?
My mind raced and suddenly I remembered what my wife always said. "Robbie, you need to start your stories at the beginning. You always begin in the middle, and no one knows what you're talking about."
So, I'll try to make some sense. I'm not quite sure where the beginning is, but I definitely know the ending. It is with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
So let me try to put this tale in some order.
I'd always enjoyed the theater. At Dartmouth I was part of the theater group, appearing in many productions. Never a lead, I usually was a reliable minor character or crowd fill-in. Having a decent voice, I always made the chorus. So, after graduating, starting a career and settling down, I became active in our local theater.
A number of years ago, the community rallied to preserve an old vaudeville theatre from the wrecking ball. We raised money to buy, refurbish and establish it with a modest endowment that could keep most of the wolves from the door. About ten years ago, we hired a professional manager, and she began producing a mixture of plays that brought in the audiences to put our theater on sound financial footing. She would throw in the occasional drama or avant-garde play, but our bread and butter were musical comedies.
I volunteered to serve on the board, and then slowly became involved in many of the productions. The closest I came to a starring role was being the Narrator for Dicken's A Christmas Carol. Otherwise, I was a bit player or helped with stage management, something I enjoyed.
How I came to be standing naked on stage in front of 900 people had its roots in a discussion with Sarah, our executive director. She invited me to lunch at an upscale deli next to the theater.
"Robbie, we need a real AIS," she said.
"AIS?"
"Yeah, asses in seats," she replied grinning. "Our spring shows didn't bring in the revenues we expected. If we don't have a boffo production this summer, we're looking at a deficit."
I nodded and nibbled on my pastrami sandwich. Tin Pan Alley had the best pastrami in the state, and they charged accordingly for it.
"So, I'm putting up The Full Monty."
My eyes widened as I tried to swallow the bite in my mouth.
"Sarah, don't you think that's a bit on the wild side for us. I mean there's nudity in it."
"Just male nudity," she said as if that made all the difference in the world.
"Still," I argued, "we're known as a family-friendly venue. I think some of our patrons might be upset."
"Robbie, I spoke with Debbie Callahan, you know her, she manages the Capital City Theatre."
I nodded.
"Well, they put on The Full Monty two years ago and had three sold out weekends. I mean every freaking seat in the place. And, they hiked the ticket price five bucks across the board. Made a killing."
I quickly computed what that would mean to us and understood that Sarah made an excellent economic point.
"But, what about the shock of the Palladium doing it?"
"Look, we'll promote it with a caution. Let everyone know up front that the show contains nudity. That will warn parents not to take their kids, plus it will draw in people who normally wouldn't be caught dead in our house. Just imagine all the ladies' book clubs reserving whole sections of the theater." We both laughed.
"Ok, you're making sense. Why are you pitching me?"
"For two reasons," she replied. "One, everyone on the board respects you. You're a smart guy, and you've been around since the beginning."
"Oh, you mean I'm old," I said with a smile.
"Hell, Robbie, you aren't old, it's just you are one of the leaders who have kept us going all these years. Really, the board listens to you. If you said putting up The Full Monty was the right thing to do, they'd go along."
Without falling into an overblown sense of self-worth, I knew she was right. I was the most senior member of the board in terms of years of service. The other members knew I always kept what was best for our theater in the forefront. If I supported Sarah, I knew the rest of the board would give it serious consideration.
"Ok, what's the second reason you're treating me to this delicious and expensive hot pastrami?"
Sarah gave me a sly smile.
"Oh, I'm paying for lunch?"
"Tight budget you know," she said.
We both laughed. I always paid for our meals together.
"So, what else is in that devious mind? I can see the wheels turning and that usually frightens me."
Sarah took a long sip from her iced tea.
She turned her wide, blue eyes to me, flashed her warmest and engaging smile and said, "I want you in the show."
If this were a sit-com this would be the part where I spit my drink all over the table. Instead, I choked on my sandwich. I coughed up a hunk of pastrami and discreetly hid it in my napkin.
"What?"
"You've seen the movie, right?"
"Yes, it's been a while, but I have."
"Remember the Tom Wilkinson character, Gerald?"
"Vaguely."
"Well, he's one of the guys and he's bit older than the rest."
"Ah, back to me being nearly senile."
"You know that rhymes with 'penile'" Sarah said with a laugh. I shook my head, and stared at her.
"Robbie, you'd be great for the role. I mean here you are, a pillar of the community, and you'd be willing to do a turn in the buff. God, it will make casting the rest of the show a snap. Plus, you know you don't really show the 'full Monty'. You keep that part covered with a hat. You do get so show your sweet butt, though."
I thought my butt was probably at least a decade past sweet. I continue to exercise, and try to keep some muscle tone, but no one would confuse my ass with that of a twenty or thirty year old.
"Flattery may get you somewhere, Sarah, but I'm not sure that it will get me naked on the stage."
"Oh, come on, it'll be a hoot. I know you love acting. Let yourself go, Robbie."
"I don't know."
"Do it, Robbie. Just say yes."
I looked at Sarah. She was an attractive woman, but what made her most appealing was her sincerity. She made you believe in whatever she was saying.
"So, is Jonathon directing?"
Sarah looked away for the first time since we sat down.
"Actually, he's taking this summer to direct a couple shows on the Cape."
"So, who's directing?"
Sarah refocused on me. "I am."
I experienced a quick flash of anxiety knowing she would be seeing me naked—if I agreed. I understood that the audience would only see butts, but in rehearsals, all would be revealed. I've known Sarah for years. When Sarah was married, she and her husband would socialize with me and Connie, my wife. Her daughter and mine were best friends all through high school. Katie was at our house as much as she was at home. I convinced the board to hire Sarah to be our executive director. I wasn't sure how it would be standing naked in front of her. I'm sure she'd be professional, but still I wasn't sure I could be.
What if I got excited? God, that would be embarrassing. I had long admired Sarah's looks. She's younger than I am, around mid-forties. She has wild black hair that is naturally both curly and unruly. On the short side, she still maintains a trim figure. Her pale complexion and brilliant blue eyes teamed with her dark hair cause people to stare. They are not disappointed after the first shock wears off, Sarah has a beauty that goes deep and grows as you get to know her.
"Sarah, I don't know."
"Look, Robbie, I thought this through. We're friends. I love you and everything you've done for me. Maybe it might be a little awkward at first, but I know we can handle it. Besides, you'll just be one of a half-dozen naked guys."
I realized that I would be standing around bare-assed with other men. I was not hung up on size, well no more than any other man. I knew from years working out at the Y that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Still, I worried that there would be a lot of judging going on, even if everyone was claiming to be professional. I didn't want to be identified as the runt of the litter. Funny, I was thinking that I didn't want Sarah to find me lacking in that category.
"I always knew you were a charmer, Sarah. I never fully realized you could literally charm the clothes off a person."
"You'll do it?
"Yes, I'll do it." To myself, I acknowledged I harbored a secret thrill with exhibitionism.
---
I remember the first time Connie and I went to a nude beach. After we had our second daughter we needed a break. When she was a year old, we convinced Connie's mother to take both girls for a long weekend, and jumped on a plane to Miami. Leaving snowy New England behind, we looked forward to four days of sun, relaxation and undisturbed sex. With two little ones demanding so much time and attention, our love life was suffering.
After checking into our hotel, we changed into swim suits, and headed to the pool. We left temperatures in the twenties to bask in the sun of an afternoon of eighty-four. Sipping an adult beverage, we couldn't stop smiling. The pool was getting crowded, and a young woman strolled by. She eyed the empty lounge next to us, and asked if we'd mind if she took it.
We assured her it was fine. Connie watched as she spread her towel, and stretched out. I tried to be inconspicuous, but couldn't help but admire her fit figure. She was long and lean with blond hair fashioned into a braid. A visor and dark wrap-around glasses added to her beach bunny appeal. She wore a small two-piece that showcased her tight abs and tighter butt. Her breasts filled out her top, but were not large. She looked to be a few years younger than our thirty-two years.
Connie caught me checking out the woman and smiled. I knew I was busted and shrugged. The three of us relaxed, and let the sun bake tension out of our bodies. After about a half-hour, the woman turned on her stomach. She undid her top and tried to spread lotion on her back.
"Want a hand?" asked Connie.
"Would you? I'd love it." Connie knelt beside her and covered her back with sun screen. I noticed the woman did not have any tan lines.
"Legs too?" Connie asked.
