Irony
, she thought to herself as she raced for the subway. Always her lot, to be hurried just so that she could wait. Breathless, she quickly dropped her token into its slot and stepped into the car, gifting the conductor with a frail smile along with her wearied presence.
She found a seat, away from other passengers, and took a moment to allow her heart to calm its frenzied beat. Crossing her legs and leaning back, she attempted to make herself as comfortable as possible. Her eyes grazed the crowd quickly, taking no note of imminent threat. Her slim fingers slipped within her satchel between its hidden folds and withdrew a book from its depths before arranging the sack beside her. Placing a protective arm over the handle, she drew it to her closely.
Can never be too careful these days
, she thought.
She opened the volume, picking up somewhere in the vicinity of the chapter she had read last. Lost in the musings of Anais Nin, she read from
Henry and June
, Nin's erotic journal of her love affair with Henry Miller. Just as she was not certain of the cause of its attraction, however, she was well aware of its power.
It was the base descriptions of sex, she supposed, intertwined with the intense emotion of passionate, destructive love, that intrigued her. The draw lay within the interludes of harsh, animalistic couplings, of fucking, of taking, of owning, along with tender moments of intimacy, of kissing and fondling and whispering. They reminded her far too much of her own last affair. It was Nin's verbiage that drew her as well, the dated words of "sperm" and "penis," unforgiving, descriptive terms, coupled with euphemisms such as "honey."
The woman supposed she was in love with the words, both the emotional feelings and the physical sensations that those words conjured in reaction to the visual images.
"And my honey flowed, thick and sweet..."
The woman sighed heavily, deep in reverie and images that were not hers. She twirled a blonde lock of hair around her finger, wondering if her own honey would ever flow again. It had been so long. Too long.
A bump against her knee caught her attention, a jostling of clothing as she felt someone brush against her.
"A thousand pardons," a deep baritone whispered from above her. She glanced at the source, her eyes snagging on the soft brown ones above her. "Truly, I am sorry." His speech was accented, foreign. Other strangers mulled behind him, finding seats and talking in grating tones.
She smiled at him, unable to do anything else. His expression seemed repentant, ingratiatingly so, perhaps, his lips arching south in a worried frown. He seemed rather flustered at a simple accident. "It's fine, really," she replied.
"Might I?" His question was unfinished, his intent clear.
She studied him a long moment, taking note of his suit, dress shoes, his neat nails and smooth hands. Safe enough, she thought. Nodding, she stood to remove her coat to allow more room. She placed it across her lap and put her opened book atop it, the spread pages faced down.
"I couldn't help but noticing," he began, his voice soft and light, "your book. I've read all of them, including her other works." His voice was a deep flute, soft and musical. She found herself immediately at ease.
"As have I," she replied. "Well, not all of her journals. I've only read a couple of them."
He grinned at her, a flash of white teeth against dark skin. His face was the color of cafe au lait, and it struck her that he was not American. He appeared of Indian descent, and yet his British accent seemed ill-fitting with the rest of him. He smiled again, and she was caught in the complimentary measure of his whole--his skin, dark and smooth, his eyes, so bright despite their near-black hue, his voice, a vocal mirror to his smile, full and deep.
She blinked as she realized how closely she was studying him. She was always aware of her surroundings; she had been trained to be. Mental swipes of the perimeter, a sense of paranoia that had served her well in the past. And yet, was it merely concern for her safety that noticed the neat fold of his hands in his lap as he watched her, the curve of his cheek as his lips lifted?
"Not many Americans seem to have heard of her," he added genially, conversationally as he sat next to her, turning slightly as to face her.
She nodded again. "To be honest, I'm not certain how I first heard of her. It just seems that I've always known of her. I found one of her diaries in a library once, and could not put it down. It revolutionized the way I write my own."
"Ah, so you write then?" He seemed oddly pleased, a piece of hair nodding with him.
Her brows arched upwards as she laughed. "Do diaries really count, though?"
"Of course. Everything one writes counts."
"I do a bit more than that, but, nothing serious, I'm afraid."
His cheeks pulled his lips into a wide grin, his eyes wrinkling with mischief. "A pity. Ah, well, not everyone can be Nin, I'm afraid. Her gift was unmatched."
"So true. Something about her words, her life, her love. It inspires both eros and pathos in me."
He edged a bit closer to her, his knee touching the coat above her thigh. "Are you easily inspired then?"
She blinked at his closeness, and briefly wondered if there were a double meaning to his words. She grew flustered, heat rising to her cheeks as she weighed her answer. "Yes," she admitted. "I'm the veritable romantic. Life, love, eros, pathos, beauty and darkness, it all inspires."
"A passionate woman, then," he observed simply. "So I had thought when first I saw you."
"You did, did you?" she was surprised.
"Yes." He looked at her, his eyes caressing her form, following the curve of her neck, the line of the coat that covered her lap. "It was the way you sat, so sure, the way you chose your seat, a mixture of courage to sit from a vantage point which allowed all view, and, I think, a little fear of something, something a bit more mysterious. It was your hair, unbound, your dress, long but wispy." The tip of his tongue peeked at her, wetting his lips as his gaze remained unbroken. "You have the face of an angel," he whispered, drawing closer to her, his hand now heavy on her knee. "The look of a tigress, calm but for a moment."
She looked away, green eyes avoiding his. He had the confidence of someone who said such things often. She had the look of someone who had not heard such things often.
"La tigresse qui reve," she whispered, her gaze still distracted, held by some intangible thing away from him.
"Yes. Exactly. A goddess."
She was certain he was taunting her. She turned her eyes to his face, searching for deception.
"A thousand pardons, again," he whispered, his hand moving from her leg. "I -- I say too much entirely. I have a habit of speaking my mind with ill timing." His hand gone, he did not move away from her, his body leaning still, almost against hers.
"I am sure you speak your mind quite often." She was mocking him now, her tone carrying a note of disdain.
His head shook negatively, his eyes closing briefly as he did so. "I --. No, I do not." He opened them again, his long lashes brushing his cheek, nearly touching his brow. "Tell me, though, have you read
Little Birds
?"
"I have," she answered, blinking at the change of subject.
"And what did you think?"
"Honestly? I was disappointed. Her journals are so vibrant, so full of sensation. Her erotica, on the other hand, seemed too censored, too lacking of what makes her writing so breath-taking."