'Do you know why we've called you in here?' My boss Elizabeth asked me, with a stern look on her face. She was probably in her late thirties, with a decent figure and dyed blonde hair. She was usually fairly jovial, and she got on well with the people under her in the office. Today she looked a lot more stern than I'd ever seen her.
'I do not, no,' I responded hesitantly.
Elizabeth looked to her left at her colleague, Christina from our London office. Christina had been reading from a file when I walked in and still hadn't looked up. I knew her face from inter-office emails but we'd never met. Now I could see she was a petite woman with slightly Asian features. She was wearing a green business suit, which screamed 'person in charge'. She looked as stern as Elizabeth.
'We have called you here because,' she paused, turning back to me and sweeping a lock of her blonde hair from her face, 'We've been looking through the stats for each of our salespeople, and it appears your numbers are well below where we expect them to be.'
Shit. I'd been rumbled. I admit, I'd slacked somewhat recently. It's just so disheartening trying to flog crap to people who neither want or need it. It was easier to sit in my cubicle and play mobile games while pretending to do my job.
Trouble was, I'd just taken a hit in the flat. Several important and very expensive repairs had just damaged my overdraft. I really couldn't afford to get fired right now.
'Simon, is there anything you want to tell us? Any problems with your home or work environment that you want to tell us about that might explain your performance lately?'
I should have lied. I should have invented an elderly sick relative that was my sole responsibility to look after, or a traumatic breakup with a much-loved fictional girlfriend, or a dead pet or something.
'No.' I said meekly.
'Please remove your jacket.' Christina said. The first words I'd heard her speak since I entered.
'Excuse me?' I asked, shaken by the apparent interruption.
Elizabeth leaned across the desk and lowered her voice.
'Here's how this is going to work. I'm going to ask the questions to try and figure out a way to improve your Performance. Christina isn't convinced by your commitment to the company, so she's going to ask you to do some things for her and she expects you to perform those actions without question or hesitation. That I have to explain this to you is probably seen as a negative.'
She sat back. I stood and removed my jacket. I stood holding it, not sure how to proceed. Christina finally looked up at me. She raised her eyebrows and nodded to the corner of the room behind me. I looked over my shoulder, and sure enough there was a coat rack with two clearly feminine coats on it. Walked over and hung my jacket on one of the two remaining hooks. I retook my seat.
'Thank you Simon,' Elizabeth said when I was comfortable again, 'Now, how would you describe your performance over the last few months?'
I wasn't sure how to respond. I'd been slacking, but I was sure I wasn't the worst performing member of our small regional office.
'I feel I have performed my duties with a relative degree of success,' I cleared my throat before continuing, 'I didn't feel like I was performing worse than any of my colleagues.' I coughed again.
'You appear to have a dry mouth. Go and get yourself some water.' Christina said, betraying no concern for my welfare in the way she spoke. I looked at Elizabeth, who nodded almost imperceptibly. I got up and tried not to hurry out of the door and down the corridor to the water cooler. I filled a paper cup and downed the lot. I filled another and headed back to the manager's office.
I knocked, waited to be called, re-entered the room and took my seat.
'Now Simon,' Elizabeth said calmly, 'We have discussed your record and it doesn't make pretty reading. You've been dead last in sales for three of the five quarters you've been with us. We are a small office, and we can't afford to be carrying any passengers.'
I was so fired. I nodded, accepting my fate.
'There are some at head office who would like to see you gone.' Elizabeth continued, 'I however, see you every day and I know you have the potential to be doing better than you are. Christina has come down today to assess how much you want this job. Convince her and you stay. If she isn't convinced there's not a lot I can do for you. Do you understand?'
'I do.'
'Good. Do as she says and you'll be fine.'
I nodded again, and Elizabeth sat back, looking at her colleague sitting next to her.
Christina had been looking down at her notepad writing throughout all of this. She finished her sentence and looked up at me.
'Take off your shirt.'
'Excuse me?' I asked, stunned.
Christina sat back in her chair and stared back at me, not saying a word. I looked at Elizabeth.
'The situation has been clearly explained to you. If you will not, or cannot follow simple instructions then I fear your time with us is at an end.'
Christina closed her notebook and looked as though she was prepared to leave.
'Wait, wait wait!' I stammered. I stood up and unbuttoned my shirt. I took it and hung it over my jacket. I returned to my seat.
'Good,' Elizabeth said as Christina opened her notebook again, 'I'm glad it's sunk in.'
Not knowing what to say, I just nodded.
'So why is it do you think,' Elizabeth continued, 'you aren't performing to standards?'
'I don't know. I have followed all the training I have been given. People just aren't buying.'
'Your colleagues seem to manage.'
'I can't speak for my colleagues.'
Christina looked up. Take off your shoes and socks. I did so, and lay them next to the coat rack. I padded back to my seat in my bare feet and sat down.
'How do you think you are going to improve?' Elizabeth asked. 'If you haven't achieved results thus far. How exactly can you expect to reach your targets?'
'I guess I can try and be more forceful. Be less willing to accept no for an answer.'
'You guess?' Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.
Christina piped up again. 'Take off your trousers.'
I glanced at Elizabeth, but did as I was told. I folded them and placed them on the floor by the coat rack. Now clad in just my tight briefs, I faced the two women again. I wished I hadn't worn the bright red pair today.
'You're going to have to do better than guessing. Why have you been so willing to accept no as an answer?'
I coughed. My throat was dry again. I reached for my water, but there was only a dribble left.
'I uh,' I began but coughed again. 'I guess I feel sorry for people...' I trailed off before coughing again.
'Please Simon,' Christina said, 'Go and get yourself another cup of water.'
I rose from my seat. I headed to the coat rack and reached for my shirt.
'Please Simon, we don't have all day. Go and get your water and we can get on with this.'
My shoulders sagged, and I opened the door to the corridor. I hoped nobody would be there. I was in luck, the place was empty. I waited for the door to close behind me and I near enough ran to the water cooler and downed another cup. I filled it yet again and set off back to the office.