(Best read while soaking in a warm tub)
*
The boredom of her life had simply become too much. The kids had all left the house for college and her days were seemingly endless. Sure, she had tried to cultivate some hobbies, but nothing seemed able to maintain her interest. She had begun to spend hours surfing the net, mindlessly following links until she lost all track of the thread that she had started with. She did some online shopping and had found several unique items that she purchased, but she knew that she couldn't continue with this or her husband would be furious about all the money she had spent.
Her husband...that was a whole topic in itself. Lately he'd been traveling a lot for business. It just didn't seem fair that he was gone so much now that she really needed him. He talked about taking her on his trips, but lately he'd been traveling to Japan and she just wasn't comfortable being on her own in such a strange environment. So she stayed home.
It was during one of his particularly long trips when it all started. She sat down at the computer prepared to wile away several hours surfing the web. She accidentally opened her daughter's web browser and didn't notice the error until she clicked on the bookmarks and recognized that they weren't her own. "What the hell," she thought to herself, "one links as good as another," and clicked absentmindedly on the first link in the list. The screen flashed in front of her and she found herself staring at an online chatroom called "Teentalk". A message on the screen said "logged in as Crunchymunchems." She just watched at first. It all seemed so ridiculous to her with short comments flying by in what seemed like a foreign language. "This isn't chat," she thought to herself, "this is name calling." She watched and read the comments that went by. "It really is 'teentalk'," she said. Then she noticed a button near the top of the screen… "choose another chatroom." Using the mouse she eased the pointer over this button and clicked. The screen flashed again and she found herself presented with a long list of additional chatrooms that were available. She quickly glanced down the list. It read:
007's
Abracadabra
All my children
All 4 one
Beanie Babies
Bedroom1
Bedroom2
Bedroom3
… and the list went on and on. She scrolled quickly down the list, surprised that there could be so many different chatrooms. She released the mouse and the scrolling stopped. There at the top of the list was the category… "Forty-something".
A small smile broke on her lips and she bit her lower lip as she moused over the "Forty-something" link and clicked. Immediately the screen began to fill with lines of message. Unlike the teentalk page, the messages consisted of whole sentences. Patti read the progression of messages and surmised that there was a discussion going on about the virtues of 70's rock versus modern rock. She continued to read and was amused by some of the comments. However, 70's rock was not her area of expertise and she didn't feel compelled to participate. She clicked the "back" button on her browser and was returned to the middle of the long list of chatrooms. The "Forty-something" link was now darkened, indicating that she had already visited that link. Directly below it were the bright letters that spelled out "Forty-something horny."
She blushed slightly and, once again biting her lip, eased the pointer over this new link and pressed down on the mouse button. The screen changed immediately, but it didn't fill with lines of message, instead it was mostly blank. At the top of the screen it said "Crunchymunchems has joined". She stared at the screen for a moment, but nothing happened. Then she saw some text in the lower corner… it read "# of users in chatroom: 1." "Figures," she said to herself, "if you're forty-something you've gotten over being horny."
She was just about to exit the chatroom when the screen flashed… "SF327 has joined". Then the screen was still. She waited… she didn't know why, but she waited.
"SF327: Anybody here?" popped up on the screen.
A small shot of adrenaline coursed through Patti's system, almost as if she were afraid of being seen through the screen. She laughed off the reaction, remembering the great anonymity afforded by the internet. There was a box at the bottom of the screen labeled "type your message here." She put the mouse over the box and clicked. Then she typed. "hi" and pressed return. The top of the screen changed to show her response.
"Crunchymunchems: hi." She smiled… it was her first time using a chatroom and it was kind of exciting to think that there was another live person looking at her words.
"SF327: Hi. I like the name. Mean anything special?"
She got comfortable in her chair and scooted up to the keyboard. She began to type.
"Crunchymunchems: It's my daughter's account, actually."
"SF327: Oh."
There was a pause. Then another message.
"SF327: You're not supposed to tell me that until after you've determined that I'm a dirty old man preying on young girls."
She wasn't quite sure how to answer. While she considered how to respond, the screen flashed again.
"SF327: That was a joke."
"SF327: I'm not."
She smiled and a small spirit awoke in her.
"Crunchymunchems: Not what?… a dirtly old man, OR, preying on young girls."
"SF327: Very good. Now you're in the spirit (I think)."
"Crunchymunchems: Well what ARE you then?"
"SF327: Kind of out of place, I think. It's my first time in chatrooms and after a quick visit to 'Britney Spears Rocks,' I thought I'd look for something more age appropriate."
"Crunchymunchems: It's my first time too."
"SF327: What are the odds?"
"Crunchymunchems: I went into the "Forty-Something" room first, but it wasn't exactly my cup of tea."
"SF327: Oh yeah… I went there too… I think the fact that the Rolling Stones are mostly still alive is achievement enough. Who cares how they compare with Sump41 or whatever."
"Crunchymunchems: Exactly!"
"SF327: You mentioned your daughter… are you the mom or the dad?"
"Crunchymunchems: Mom"
"SF327: So Mom (he said with some relief) what brought you into this (horny) room? (the forty-something Man asked)"
She paused.
"Crunchymunchems: Not sure. Curiosity I guess. You?"
"SF327: Wishful thinking mostly. It's been so long since … I guess I was curious too."
"Crunchymunchems: Long since what? (She asked with a smirk)"
"SF327: My wife died four years ago and I kinda lost interest."
"Crunchymunchems: I'm sorry. What happened?"
What then transpired was a two hour series of exchanges where Patti learned more about a middle aged man whom she knew by the moniker SF327 and who had lost his wife and only recently found himself alone when his kids had also left for college. He had three daughters who babied him and were constantly trying to get him to go out with women. They lived in the same large city where he was apparently a very successful business man.
Patti also explained her situation, characterizing her marriage as "happy," but saying that there just wasn't the same spark in it, at least physically, anymore.
"Crunchymunchems: Which brings me as close as I think I'll ever get to explaining why I'm in the horny 40s room."