Part 1 "The Card"
It was a Friday afternoon. I had just gotten home from the evening classes at college when I noticed that the mail was on the countertop. I guess my roommate Dave had finally woken up from his alcohol and pot induced coma and got out of his bed which he no doubt shared with other people... to be more exact - two chicks. Dave likes to have his share and more if he can get it. I shuffled through them when I noticed one was addressed to me. Probably just another bill for my cell phone I figured, but it arrived in a brown envelope, and it didn't feel like another bill. It was thick in one corner. I thought nothing more about it because, to be honest, I was starving so I headed into the kitchen to see what was in the fridge to eat. To get there I had to step over crap all over the floor which consisted of pizza crusts, slices with cigarette butts in the middle of them, the occasional pool of vomit, and plenty of beer bottles. Remains of last nights party courtesy of Dave. Every night is party night for Dave and this slightly pisses me off, so I was in no mood to do anything. All I did want to do is get something fresh and preferably untouched, take it into my room and eat it.
I looked around in the kitchen trying to find something, anything, and the only thing I could find was an unopened pot of Ramon noodles. A silent "thank fuck" did run through my mind when I seen it as I knew I could eat it without any worries, cause the seal wasn't broken. Good enough for me! I walked over to the answering machine and played them back. My mother comes on asking for me, telling me to say my prayers and blah blah blah. Then, all off a sudden, Dave's voice comes on asking who she's looking for. As soon as she says my name, the son-of-a bitch tells her I'm at a meeting, the club fag meeting! I just dropped the Ramon noodle pot and went to Dave's room; I wanted to kill the fucking cunt. Anyway, I throw the door open and standing at the edge of the bed is Dave, he is getting whacked off by some chick on her knees. There is another one laying on the bed beside them just watching as content as can be as if it's an everyday thing, which by the way, for Dave it more or less is. How though, because I tell you he is kind of an ugly fucker. He's one of them that is ugly as fuck but you can't help hang around because he's cool - he is the spitting image of Jack Black, especially in the movie "Orange County", he could have been his double and played the part to a 'T'.
Oh yeah, I was telling you my story. Sorry, was trying to give you a clear picture of Dave, so... all you got to do when I mention him is think, Jack Black. I'm standing there at his door way and I ask him why he told my mom I was at the club fag meeting?
"Your a fag aren't ya man? Dave asked."
He now finally doubts himself. I'm in college, in the same apartment as this guy for almost three years, and he thinks I'm gay?! I could just barely get the word out of my mouth before just dropping it; I mean, what's the point arguing with him. He was hung-over, stoned, and getting his cock rubbed. I got what was left of my Ramon noodles, the brown envelope, and went to my room. I'll be honest with you here and admit it... I was sitting on my bed whacking it to Playboy when in busts Dave wearing only his 'Y' fronts. He sits on the bottom of my bed and starts apologizing and telling me how sorry he was and how he'd tell my mom he was sorry, that he had made a mistake and gotten me confused with someone else. I just reminded him to keep all the info about him being stoned to himself. He got up off my bed and was heading out towards the door about to close it behind him when he turned around and asked if I wanted him to send one of the girls in. I declined and thanked him anyway.
