I am too old to be backpacking and too old to be sleeping in a bunk bed.
The hostel seemed like a good idea. Cheap holiday. I was on a budget. I remember enjoying it when I was younger but everything ached less then.
Something else too. I'm used to having my own space. I share it with a cat but I'm used to privacy. If I have needs I take care of them. I'm being coy, we all know I'm talking about masturbation. It's not like I'm some sex maniac humping her pillow to sleep every night. Not every night.
But now I can't. Now I don't have any privacy i want to so bad.
To make it worse my neighbour in the top bunk opposite does not seem to have my inhibitions. When she thinks everyone is sleeping I hear her shifting on the cheap mattress. I hear the creak of the metal bunk. The little movements. In the humid twilight I see her long legs moving under the thin sheet. A naked muscled leg emerges. I see her upper arm exposed as she turns slightly.
We have the top bunk by the door so we only overlook each other. She thinks I'm asleep. I lay quiet listening to her. When she finally stops I am so wet I cannot sleep for hours.
The lack of sleep affects my judgement. On the second night she starts to play again. I hear her erotic squirming and I begin squeezing my thighs together, rolling my hips quietly against the bed clothes.
She turns onto her side facing me now. She has her hand by her thighs. I can see her fingers bunching between her legs. The long grey t shirt she wears is pulled up. Her face is pressed to her pillow. I freeze, eyes half closed, almost forgetting to breath.
She doesn't reach any obvious climax but she moves her hand away and settles to sleep on her side. Facing me. I daren't move. She's asleep. The cabin is dimly lit but I'm too embarrassed. I lay there frustrated until I fall asleep.
Five nights of this and I'm desperate. I look for any privacy I can find but I'm horrified of someone seeing me on the hiking trail and the public restrooms are beyond disgusting. The showers are communal and cold. Contrary to popular belief the cold showers do not help. When I warm up afterwards I actually feel more stimulated.
I find my bunk neighbours nightly games fascinating. She plays with quiet feverish intensity but she doesn't seem to reach a peak. I don't expect her to scream in ecstasy but at least a sigh of contentment. Nothing. She just stops and falls asleep facing me close enough to touch.
Yes of course I thought about it. Not happening for so many reasons.
By day seven I'm making deals with myself. So what if someone does see me? I'll never see these people again. But I'm too embarrassed. In my apartment I can't even finish if the cat walks in. He has such a judgemental stare.
On the eighth night she whispers to me.
