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Ms. Angel Sand
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It is 10 minutes to 5:30 and I can't seem to open the car door. I keep wondering why I am really doing this; because I am serious about being with myself and enjoying my pleasure sessions with lovie. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself I don't want to get close to Jamie. Or, I may want to use him because I haven't gotten over the sting of Carter yet. I can hope the truth is I am just going to meet a friend I absolutely have no desire for... but I don't know.
Forget it, I am just going to go for it. I mean, I am not giving up on my marriage to me. I'm just going to have fun and see where the night takes me. And as if the universe has decided this very moment was the time to prove it, Jamie knocks on my window.
"Yes Sir? May I help you with something," I ask coyly.
"Do you plan on staying in your car or are you coming in to have dinner with me", he asks through a smile.
That smile... I forgot what it felt like to have it genuinely aimed at me. I loved this man for so many years. Now, I have to question if I ever stopped loving him. The years apart must have been good to him because he is appearing even more handsome. Being biracial he has a lightly tanned skin tone which only accents his green eyes. His short loose curls perfectly fit his symmetrical face. If he wore a buzz cut, he'd look just like Wentworth Miller from the TV show Prison Break; athletic build included. I used to never want to admit it but he is sexy as can be. Man, after all of the things I've done it still feels weird to call someone sexy. Especially, if you know you are never going to have sex with them. "Of course I'm coming in. I was just waiting until closer to 5:30."
"Karen, it is 5:45. I have been standing by that pillar watching you talk to yourself with your eyes closed for the past 15 minutes."
"Am I blushing now?"
"You most definitely are. Get out of the car beautiful." Did you hear that? I heard that. He just called me beautiful. What am I going on about? No, it doesn't mean anything. I am just going to get out of this car and find out why he's trying to reconnect. Resolve: Get out of your own head Karen!
We go inside and are seated without incident. We are tabled with six married ladies having a rare night out and they are surely drinking enough to prove it. We spend a little time making small talk with them, until one compliments us on being such a cute couple. Dang it! But, it's ok. I am just glad I wasn't the one who turned the whole evening totally awkward. Even though I didn't put us in this position by being the one to say 'oh no, we're not together' or even 'thank you'. But Jamie, being the guy he always is, had to make a comment "Honey, isn't she sweet?", then he turned and unsuccessfully whispered to me, "You wouldn't have to feel so shy if you would've let me pick you up". What the heck was that supposed to mean? Even if he picked me up I would've still wanted to come here.
One of the drunk ladies chimed in, "I know that's right. Girl he's trying to tell you, he wanted to stay in and have you for dinner!" All of the ladies oohed and cheered, but I was even more embarrassed. Jamie just sat there wearing a huge grin. If I am not a total dunce, this marks the second time he has flirted with me tonight.
By the time our chef was done preparing our meals the ladies weren't really paying too much attention to us anymore. I took this as an opportunity to address the issue at hand. The normal Karen would just beat around the bush or play games to get the answer. But, I came to this dinner with my big girl panties on. So I'll just ask him, "Jamie, why did you want to go out with me again?" It felt pretty good to just ask what is on my mind. I hope I am rewarded for it.
He finished the last few bites on his plate before he responded. I have never understood how he could eat food so quickly. I still had at least three quarters of my dinner left and I am a pretty greedy person, not to mention I had a plate full of scallops. But now, I am not eating at all. I am just watching his mouth waiting for the million-dollar answer. After wiping his mouth, he finally said, "I wanted to apologize." Okay, now I am totally confused. What is he apologizing for? He didn't do anything wrong. Well, I guess as far as I know. But he continued, "I replay that day in your apartment over and over in my head. I said some things I didn't mean and I was too frustrated with the whole thing to come back and apologize then. One of my biggest regrets is walking out on you and never looking back." At this point, I feel my eyes watering and a lump building in my throat. I should be the one apologizing, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out and he still continued. "You were the love of my life. At that time, I couldn't imagine myself with another woman. All of my fantasies and dreams contained you."
"I'm sorry too", was all I could muster without letting tears fall in this public place. Always observant and caring, Jamie asks if I would like to go somewhere to talk more privately. He paid the check and escorted me to my car. After a few intense moments of just staring at nothing in particular, I invited him to the passenger seat of my Cayenne. I was about to continue before he laid his hand on top of my hand that was tightly gripping the steering wheel.
"Look at me", he said as he gently turned my chin. "I didn't invite you out to make you feel bad or even to get an apology from you. Can I ask you something though?" I slightly nodded my agreement. "I want you to tell me the truth. Why did you change your mind? I mean it couldn't be that you didn't like what was happening. To put it bluntly, were soaking wet.
And then...and then...you just...stopped."
"Is saying I was scared a good enough answer?", I asked trying to keep my tears at bay.
"Come on. You know it isn't. Are you ready to grow up or..."
"I'm sorry", I interrupted. Finding my strength and ability to be honest is harder than I thought. But I am determined. This is my chance to prove I am new person. Even if I am not trying to be with anyone, I have to work on being a better person. If I don't, I won't be happy loving myself either. So here it goes, "I was scared is still the truth. But, saying I had never felt pleasure like that before and I haven't since, is also the truth. So, you know I've struggled with the whole pleasure guilt thing since we were kids. But I swear to you, I wouldn't have gone as far as we did if I didn't genuinely think I was ready.
And I was excited Jamie. After feeling your mouth on me, I couldn't wait for the rest. I don't want to keep going because I don't want to offend you."
"I'm finally getting you to open up. It is impossible to offend me in this moment. Just keep going."
"I don't know how else to say it; but I didn't like the way it felt when you put your fingers in there. Then I only imagined your penis being worse. I could've been wrong, but I wasn't ready to find out. I knew at that moment I wasn't ready to be what you wanted...what you deserved.
You deserved someone who could be completely yours in every way. I spent the years after we broke up working on that part of me. Working on being willing to suffer discomfort for someone I love. I have also fought back the fear of being ruled by desire. I know I have made progress, but right now I am enjoying time with myself. And I've made peace with it being that way for the rest of my life."
He reached over and placed his hand on my right thigh just above my knee. It was an unwelcomed surprise due to the tingles shooting straight to my gut. As I clenched my thighs together, he said, "Thank you for coming out tonight. It was really great seeing you again."
"I had a nice time. It was good seeing you too. You are just as handsome as ever", man, I keep putting my foot in my mouth. I hate I said that, but what's done is done.
"I just want to say the whole point of tonight was for closure for me. Though you are just as beautiful, hell, you are more beautiful than ever, I needed to know why everything happened the way it did."
"I understand. So I guess this is good bye."
"No, it's I'll see you around." He removed his hand from my thigh and I immediately felt cold. He exited my car without another word and I immediately felt transported to the moment I heard the door close to my apartment 9 years ago.
I need to get home to my lovie.
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I am soaking in the bathtub trying to ignore the tears that have followed me from the restaurant parking lot to now. Though I adamantly believe Jamie deserved an explanation, I didn't expect to feel as empty as I do. All of the scenarios I played in my head if I ever got the courage to talk to him, didn't end this way. This is overwhelmingly confusing. I am not sure why I am feeling like I just lost something. Especially, when I didn't want or expect anything from tonight. What is wrong with me? Just when I feel like I have made the right decision for myself, I am thrown off by something as stupid as a long dead relationship. Am I tricking myself into thinking self-love, with the help of my lovie of course, is enough? Even if I don't want Jamie, do I want something that he represents? Maybe I do want to be in a relationship with man. Who am I fooling? I definitely want a boyfriend.
I want to be able to share everything, including my entire body, with the man I love. The idea of living in my sister's basement when I am old because I don't have anyone to take care of me is depressing. Even more so, is the idea of living the rest of my life waking up alone without someone who shares the joys and pains this journey brings with me. In every relationship the real draw back has been my lack of sexual reciprocation. I can fix that.
I guess to fix this; I need to build up enough sexual desire within me to where I don't care about any discomfort I experience on the road to satisfaction. This is going to be hard and painful but, I am going cold turkey. What does this mean you ask? I am throwing my lovie out. To make myself commit to it. I am going to drop it in the toilet and throw it outside. I am brought out of my thoughts by a knock on the door. I pick my phone up from the floor next to my tub to check the time. It is 11:30pm. Who is here? I am a little too scared to open the door, but I am getting out of this tub. If someone is here to murder me, I would like to have a fighting chance. And just as I make that decision, I hear the doorbell. Who is the world is here? If they don't call me, I'm not going to the door. My phone doesn't ring.
I am out of the bathroom in my pajamas and the knocking has stopped, but my nerves are still on edge. My cell phone is close for just in case. Maybe it was someone looking for my neighbor. The guy next door has different girls rolling through on the weekly, so it is probably one of them. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that is the case. I'm still carrying my cell phone with me when I walk to the kitchen to get some water. When it buzzes, I jump and chuckle at myself. My mind immediately wonders if it is Jamie. To my disappointment it isn't.
