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Ms. Angel Sand
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It is 10 minutes to 5:30 and I can't seem to open the car door. I keep wondering why I am really doing this; because I am serious about being with myself and enjoying my pleasure sessions with lovie. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself I don't want to get close to Jamie. Or, I may want to use him because I haven't gotten over the sting of Carter yet. I can hope the truth is I am just going to meet a friend I absolutely have no desire for... but I don't know.
Forget it, I am just going to go for it. I mean, I am not giving up on my marriage to me. I'm just going to have fun and see where the night takes me. And as if the universe has decided this very moment was the time to prove it, Jamie knocks on my window.
"Yes Sir? May I help you with something," I ask coyly.
"Do you plan on staying in your car or are you coming in to have dinner with me", he asks through a smile.
That smile... I forgot what it felt like to have it genuinely aimed at me. I loved this man for so many years. Now, I have to question if I ever stopped loving him. The years apart must have been good to him because he is appearing even more handsome. Being biracial he has a lightly tanned skin tone which only accents his green eyes. His short loose curls perfectly fit his symmetrical face. If he wore a buzz cut, he'd look just like Wentworth Miller from the TV show Prison Break; athletic build included. I used to never want to admit it but he is sexy as can be. Man, after all of the things I've done it still feels weird to call someone sexy. Especially, if you know you are never going to have sex with them. "Of course I'm coming in. I was just waiting until closer to 5:30."
"Karen, it is 5:45. I have been standing by that pillar watching you talk to yourself with your eyes closed for the past 15 minutes."
"Am I blushing now?"
"You most definitely are. Get out of the car beautiful." Did you hear that? I heard that. He just called me beautiful. What am I going on about? No, it doesn't mean anything. I am just going to get out of this car and find out why he's trying to reconnect. Resolve: Get out of your own head Karen!
We go inside and are seated without incident. We are tabled with six married ladies having a rare night out and they are surely drinking enough to prove it. We spend a little time making small talk with them, until one compliments us on being such a cute couple. Dang it! But, it's ok. I am just glad I wasn't the one who turned the whole evening totally awkward. Even though I didn't put us in this position by being the one to say 'oh no, we're not together' or even 'thank you'. But Jamie, being the guy he always is, had to make a comment "Honey, isn't she sweet?", then he turned and unsuccessfully whispered to me, "You wouldn't have to feel so shy if you would've let me pick you up". What the heck was that supposed to mean? Even if he picked me up I would've still wanted to come here.
One of the drunk ladies chimed in, "I know that's right. Girl he's trying to tell you, he wanted to stay in and have you for dinner!" All of the ladies oohed and cheered, but I was even more embarrassed. Jamie just sat there wearing a huge grin. If I am not a total dunce, this marks the second time he has flirted with me tonight.
By the time our chef was done preparing our meals the ladies weren't really paying too much attention to us anymore. I took this as an opportunity to address the issue at hand. The normal Karen would just beat around the bush or play games to get the answer. But, I came to this dinner with my big girl panties on. So I'll just ask him, "Jamie, why did you want to go out with me again?" It felt pretty good to just ask what is on my mind. I hope I am rewarded for it.
He finished the last few bites on his plate before he responded. I have never understood how he could eat food so quickly. I still had at least three quarters of my dinner left and I am a pretty greedy person, not to mention I had a plate full of scallops. But now, I am not eating at all. I am just watching his mouth waiting for the million-dollar answer. After wiping his mouth, he finally said, "I wanted to apologize." Okay, now I am totally confused. What is he apologizing for? He didn't do anything wrong. Well, I guess as far as I know. But he continued, "I replay that day in your apartment over and over in my head. I said some things I didn't mean and I was too frustrated with the whole thing to come back and apologize then. One of my biggest regrets is walking out on you and never looking back." At this point, I feel my eyes watering and a lump building in my throat. I should be the one apologizing, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out and he still continued. "You were the love of my life. At that time, I couldn't imagine myself with another woman. All of my fantasies and dreams contained you."
"I'm sorry too", was all I could muster without letting tears fall in this public place. Always observant and caring, Jamie asks if I would like to go somewhere to talk more privately. He paid the check and escorted me to my car. After a few intense moments of just staring at nothing in particular, I invited him to the passenger seat of my Cayenne. I was about to continue before he laid his hand on top of my hand that was tightly gripping the steering wheel.
"Look at me", he said as he gently turned my chin. "I didn't invite you out to make you feel bad or even to get an apology from you. Can I ask you something though?" I slightly nodded my agreement. "I want you to tell me the truth. Why did you change your mind? I mean it couldn't be that you didn't like what was happening. To put it bluntly, were soaking wet.
And then...and then...you just...stopped."
"Is saying I was scared a good enough answer?", I asked trying to keep my tears at bay.
"Come on. You know it isn't. Are you ready to grow up or..."
"I'm sorry", I interrupted. Finding my strength and ability to be honest is harder than I thought. But I am determined. This is my chance to prove I am new person. Even if I am not trying to be with anyone, I have to work on being a better person. If I don't, I won't be happy loving myself either. So here it goes, "I was scared is still the truth. But, saying I had never felt pleasure like that before and I haven't since, is also the truth. So, you know I've struggled with the whole pleasure guilt thing since we were kids. But I swear to you, I wouldn't have gone as far as we did if I didn't genuinely think I was ready.
And I was excited Jamie. After feeling your mouth on me, I couldn't wait for the rest. I don't want to keep going because I don't want to offend you."
"I'm finally getting you to open up. It is impossible to offend me in this moment. Just keep going."
