The impending marriage brought a few doubts to my mind that I needed sorted out and again my dear sister, who was by now married, was my savior. I remembered her talk about sex and mysteriously the act didn't feel so repulsive anymore! Sweet Gowri explained not only the act but was open enough to discuss variations and what really excited her and very privately what her hubby, Suren liked!
Armed with this knowledge and with my natural instincts but with some trepidation I took the important step into marital union.
Our honeymoon night was a simple affair in his family home in the village. No luxurious suite in a hotel or anything even close. His grandparents' fairly large airy bedroom with vintage furniture and an attached bath had to do. I was a virgin; hadn't even kissed a boy while Ashok had confessed to having girls and it was after our first night when I realized what 'having girls' meant.
We retired to our room after dinner and the flower decked bed stood in the center like some awkward stage for me to perform on. That was the problem. I had put too much thought into my role and didn't have much left for spontaneity. I was also terrified of the unknown and scared if I would fail to please my new husband. There was also a great big load of shyness. No one had seen my body after I was about nine or ten. Ashok, on the other hand was so sure of himself. He hugged and kissed me and with brief preliminaries he had me naked while my hands covered my face in shame. He made love to me with his fingers, lips and tongue before he expertly yet gently laid me down. I used my newly acquired knowledge and attempted to match him for expertise sans experience and failed. He laughed and asked me what I was doing and then without waiting for an answer moved over me positioned himself precisely and confidently entered me. I didn't know what hit me but the searing pain made me go "ouch!" and my hand flew to my mouth. There were people in the house! Contrary to what I had learnt, the entry was quite quickly and proficiently done.
I also knew nothing of the male body and especially about erections. I made a note to remind Gowri that she forgot that piece!
He slowed down only because the old bed began to creak in protest and then as he moved more gently I felt the bliss that Gowri promised I would. I curled my hand around his shoulders and flexed my thighs more as my knees parted involuntarily. My pelvis tilted to receive and I matched his thrusts with little feminine pushes of my own. His bushy mustache tickled my neck as he flexed to kiss my shoulder. His hot breath touched me to kindle my own fire. The sounds of his pleasure in panting and grunts and the slapping of bodies, provoked a soft moan in me too. It certainly felt good. It felt good to feel the carnal pleasure of sexual union and to feel wanted and be pleasing the one I loved.
That was the beginning. I learnt a lot over the next two years about sex, men and my own sexuality. Somethings never changed and some others took an about turn. I never failed to be extremely shy of my body. I was assured by Ashok that it was beautiful to look at and it turned him on. He loved the shape of my breasts, the colour of my nipples, the curvature of my hips and the texture and softness of my skin. Those were his words on many occasions but I could not feel the same about myself and that somehow some deficiencies or imperfections would show. I was particularly shy below the waist and covered up soon after lovemaking. I also had this perhaps unhappy trait that my desires were deep within me. It took a lot to make me want sex. The wedding night was different as the strong anticipation drove the libido. On subsequent occasions I needed the mood, the ambience and the stimulus to get me going.
That was another thing I learnt. I was different. My loving sister, even though she was much more conservative than me in appearance and behavior, confided in me that she loved sex and had often coaxed Suren into it. That was certainly not me. Quite peculiarly, when I was turned on I was a healthy participant, but I needed that persuasive prod. I found that many of my friends were like Gowri in their views and attitudes, derived largely through oblique references to their individual sexuality. I wondered if I was some kind of freak!
Given the above private profile it may be confusing to know that I had a very healthy marriage. Hubby and I had similar interests and had discussion on these but he wasn't that interested in the deeper stuff. We hardly ever dwelt on relationships and psychology or personalities and social exchanges largely because Ashok would simply dismiss such topics with a shrug. Some women may have been upset with his inability or refusal or even callousness in not being romantic before intimacy or the lack of serious foreplay. Not me. Though the drive and arousal were deep seated, when intimate approaches were made, I was reacting and ready for sex though never the initiator. I was young and somehow there was physical arousal that was automatic and involuntary. We had our share of watching pornography and kinky behavior too. Ashok would ask me to imagine being torn apart by those giant penises on screen and fantasized so many of those porn stars being me when we made love. I played on, as all this was gratifying for him and I, as a typical Indian woman had his pleasure foremost in my mind. What I did enjoy of the weird stuff we did was to have sex in different places in our home.
By this time and after about 6 years of marriage both my children were born and were in either daycare or nursery in the daytime when we would have the only time alone. Ashok would come home taking a few hours off flushed and excited and all set to go and we would make love in the living room, on the dining table, on the kitchen table, in the bathtub, in the kids' rooms and even in the car in the garage! Once when we were really into it, he had a call from a female office colleague. He put her on speaker phone and we continued to make love while he struggled to sound normal and carried on. Then a few months later, again we were alone at home and I had gone down on him orally on the living room sofa, when he called the same woman again and spoke for what I thought was about ten minutes. There was an element of titillation for me as well. He told me that the woman's name was Elisa and that she was also an Indian from the state of Kerala. She was a computer systems manager. When asked why he liked to talk to that particular woman, he nonchalantly replied that she was proud and wanted to humiliate her!
I couldn't understand how she would be humbled on the other end of a phone line but I buried that incident among the ton of other stuff that men feel about sexual arousal. Ashok was pretty focused on the job at hand when he was ready for physical love and never dwelt on romanticizing and other sundries but hardly missed out on imagining other men and women in our bedroom. After much concerned reading and introspective research I concluded that this came from our ancestors and their community living. Societal rules were nonexistent and the gene pool had to be variant and resilient. The male, remember, in nature ensures survival through numbers while the female seeks procreation through quality. I concocted some theories for myself that kept me from wondering too much.
I met Elisa many months later at a party in the home of a common friend. She was tall and very slim and had a matching longish face with shoulder length hair that she kept bobbed to make her face more rounded. She was well endowed in the breast department but rather flat below her waist and I dismissed her as no competition. Ashok showed no hint of appreciation of her but mentioned two other women whose looks he liked. There was a Japanese woman called Kim and Carla, a local and both were executive assistants. Then there was Kamal, from Egypt whom Ashok thought fancied me. Our bedroom fantasies were constructed around these three characters. I had to play that I liked Kamal and that was challenging as even though he was a nice looking guy I couldn't think of him in that way. The role play was thrilling and harmless and with numerous such incidences in intimacy I reclassified that as normal couple behavior.
A few years later, Elisa was the one that stole my husband away when I was least expecting it! I am still debating if fantasies are a good thing or not.
Back to my current dilemma and looking back to see the many changes in my outlook and attitudes, I realized that I was bold enough to be pragmatic and realistic and was courageous enough to talk about my inner feelings and desires. I was also a very cerebral and cause and effect analyzing person and I was left with this rather intense emotional few hours of recollection and decision making.
No, I will never fall in love with Chuck. Maybe he just wants sex. Besides, these men sometimes consider their women as trophies won and boast about their exploits to their friends. Ugh! There was no future in it. He is so different. My children will be upset. They will think I was the cause for Ashok to leave me.
