CHAPTER 6
An irritated older guy was standing at reception waiting for a receptionist to appear when Tom entered the dingy offices of Benson, Michaels and Struthers PR.
"May I help you sir?"
"Do you work here?"
"Yes."
"I own Robinson's Clearance House and had advertised heavily to promote the clearance of a line of five gallon ceramic pickling pots. We'd ordered 150 pots but they failed to arrive on time and this morning a container of 1500 was dumped outside our premises. It's a complete fuck-up. I want assistance to prepare an advertisement apologizing to customers and then I'm off to my attorney to sue the stupid supplier who is refusing to take back the shipment."
"You are a trader Mr Robinson. You must NEVER apologize to the public. That would be interpreted as a sign of weakness and encourage consumers to complain. Come over here and sit with me while I draft an ad for you on that back of your piece of paper. How many pots have we to clear?"
"Fifteen fucking hundred."
"Hmmm. That's a bit of a challenge but Benson, Michaels and Struthers PR is up to it Mr Robinson."
Tom scribbled away. "I hope you can read this Mr Robinson. I've only started here today so don't have a computer yet to provide a printout."
Mr Robinson read the advertisement:
'COLOSSAL OPPORTUNITY
Golden opportunity for a never-to-be-repeated purchase of precious old-style unadorned five-gallon kitchen ceramic pickling pots. Will last a lifetime with care. Granny kept honey and pickles in hers and the supplies lasted all year, if you remember. Ten thousand uses -- honey, pickles, rice, potatoes, shoe polish equipment, front porch decoration (they paint up well), baby's living room toys... need we go on? Think nostalgia and buy a pot for twenty-five bucks. You probably will be carried away and buy two. Load up the trunk with them. But hurry, delay going to Robinson's Clearance House and you'll miss out. These pots only arrived a few hours ago and will be all cleared out before the end of trading today.'
"Twenty-five bucks each? I was only asking for fifteen."
"People pay more money if they perceive value, and how much value Mr Robinson, would you put on nostalgia?"
"I really don't know. In some cases heaps I suppose."
"Exactly and that's what people will read into this newspaper advertisement tomorrow morning. It won't matter if you haven't sold out by nightfall because next day's customers will simply assume another shipment has arrived."
"It could take three weeks to clear 1500 ceramic pots."
"Mr Robinson. I'm charging you $300 for this work. Place it as a half page advertisement and I guarantee you'll be clean out of pots before end of trading tomorrow. You best notify police some traffic control might be necessary."
"Oh yeah, says who? And three hundred bucks for some scribbled words is rather steep."
"Pay at the counter Mr Robinson. I ask you to play fair: I'll pay you one thousand dollars tomorrow if there are any pristine pots unsold after 4:00 pm."
"You're kidding. If you think nostalgia will do it why don't your feature that in the heading and first sentence of the advertisement?"
"I'm serious about that thousand dollar payment Mr Robinson. It doesn't apply to unsold pots with significant flaws. When people read deep into that advertisement the word nostalgia will ring their bell, or so I believe. It's part of the magic of advertising."
Tom took Mr Robinson over to the receptionist, now back in her seat and filing her nails.
"Hi, I'm Tom Briscoe."
"Oh hi Tom. We were expecting you today."
"Please run out an invoice for Mr Robinson for $300 for advertising services via Tom Briscoe and he'll give you the check now."
"Thank you sir. It has been a pleasure to serve you. I shall call in on you tomorrow at 4:00 for you to pour my a whisky."
"And to hand over a thousand bucks," Mr Robinson said, smiling, two gaps in his bottom teeth prominent.
Thirty-eight people worked at the agency and Tom met most of them before being taken into the partner's inner sanctum where Terry Struthers clasped him by the shoulders affectionately and introduced him to Sadie Michaels and Manson Benson.
"We decided on Friday, unanimously and I must say with enthusiasm, to re-register our company as Think Big Communications Inc. We will take you to lunch today to celebrate this big rejig and for your splendid contribution."
"Thank you Jerry. I hope to serve you guys well. My desk awaits me so off I go unless I'm wanted for anything else?"
"No, off you go," Jerry said. "Welcome aboard."
Well Jerry was okay but the other two were a little surly, Tom thought. At his desk Tom checked for emails (none, understandably) and on the electronic staff notice board found a message from Jerry welcoming him and a statement that Tom was a gifted concepts person and was available to help anyone at anytime as his role was to act in developing concepts and being available as an adviser to get personal out of deep trouble.
A thin, nervous guy came up to Tom's desk and said a client was coming in to review his draft announcement in which last year's Rodeo Queen was refuting suggestions she was gay. Tom was about to read the press release when reception called on the speaker system that Mrs Conway was waiting for Jasper Coglan.
Tom went with Jasper and asked who was Mrs Conway.
"Head of consumer relations at the chemical company that sponsored Wendy Poole, last year's Rodeo Queen. She's uptight because her job could be on the line over this because she talked her company into sponsoring Wendy. Of course the company was delighted she won the contest but that has now turned to custard."
Jasper walked into the small meeting room confidently and introduced Tom to Mrs Tina Conway and Miss Wendy Poole, calling him a senior executive of the public relations company, attending to give support if required. Both women didn't lick their lips when they spotted Tom but he thought they almost did. The reaction from Wendy encouraged him.
Tina put on reading glasses and read aloud: "Last year's Rodeo Queen strenuously denies she is gay and wants to put the record straight. She respects gays but isn't one of them. She is extremely upset that this nasty rumor is circulating and threatens to take anyone found spreading it to court. 'This despicable lie must stop,' Miss Poole said in a statement today."
"And that's it?" Tina asked sarcastically. "My 4-year old could have done better than that."
Cheeks flaming Jasper said he very much doubted that.
Tom cut in smoothly. "Jasper and I thought perhaps that was the type of statement you wanted but we do have another in mind, the one we think you'd accept."
"Do we?" Jasper asked but before Tina could crush him with her curled lip Tom cut across her bow: Tell me Wendy, do you fuck women?"
"Of course she doesn't," Tina fumed. "How dare you ask such a question. This is outrageous."
"By quiet Mrs Conway. Answer me Wendy."
"Of course not, well not since college. But then all women experiment at college, don't they?"
"No they don't," Tina said. "And you didn't."
"Actually I've heard a couple of female graduates admit that was one of the best things about going to college," Tom said.
The women looked shocked.
"Wendy, I ask you to confirm or deny: have you had sexual connection of the vulva or rectum with any female in the last two years."
"No, absolutely not. I'll swear my denial on the flag. Guys fuck me, not females."
Tom smiled. "I believe you Wendy, absolutely. We needed that assurance before we put this foul rumor to bed."