Well could this situation get any worse? Confused, miserable, in love with two men and now pregnant, oh and I don't know who the father is but except from all that everything is frigging peachy! Tom and I talked a lot about having children when we were together, he wanted desperately to be a daddy but for me it was never the right time I was either too young for the responsibility or I was too busy setting up my bookstore. As for Paul I have no idea how he feels, we never discussed children although I believe he would be a wonderful father I don't know if he ever desires to be one, I guess it's time I found out.
I'm going home today, I've buried my head in the sand for long enough it's time to go home and face the music. I should also book an appointment with my GP in the hope that he can tell me exactly how pregnant I am giving me the chance to answer the question I continue to ask myself, who is the father of my baby.
I arrive back at my flat and it's good to be home. I unpack my things and then stare at myself in the full length mirror trying to picture how I will look in a few months time when my firm flat tummy gets bigger and bigger as my baby grows inside of me. I could murder a glass of wine but resist the urge and phone the doctors instead making an appointment for this afternoon.
I sit anxiously in the doctor's waiting room which seems to be full of parents and their children or pregnant women with their large belly's weighing them down flicking through parenting magazines and I swallow hard as a wave of nausea runs through my body.
"Stephanie Shaw the doctor will see you now."
I stand up slowly and go in.
"Miss Shaw take a seat, what can I do for you?"
"Well Doctor I think I'm pregnant."
"Have you done a Pregnancy test?"
"Yes and it was positive."
"Ok well if you would like to remove you skirt and underwear and hop up on the table so I can examine you."
He pulls the curtain around me as I start to remove my skirt and knickers thoughts racing through my mind, if I'm more then two weeks pregnant than it has to be Paul's baby, how would I feel if it was his? How would he feel? And where would Tom fit in? My thoughts are interrupted by the doctor as he draws back the curtain.
"Right Miss Shaw I'm going to give you an internal examination this will let me determine how far gone you are so if you just put your feet together and then let your knees fall apart."
Oh how degrading, me lying on my back with my legs wide open as if I haven't done that enough lately.
"Ok everything seems fine I would say you are two weeks pregnant Miss Shaw."
"Exactly two weeks?"
"Well it's hard to be exact but no more than two weeks."
I leave the doctor's surgery feeling sicker than when I went in, I can't believe the mess I have gotten myself into I mean I was on the pill for god's sake, I know it's not 100 % effective but near enough. How am I going to tell Tom or Paul or oh god my mother? And then I think of something else, am I really ready to have a child?
I go home and cry and cry and then I cry some more I don't know what I am going to do or what my future holds, I need to talk to Tom and Paul but I don't know what to say. There's a knock at the door and my heart jumps, I ignore it I can't face anyone right now but the knocking continues and I dry my eyes.
"Steph are you in there?"
It's Paul; nervously I approach the door and let him in. He flings his arms around me hugging me tight.
"Oh Steph your home I've missed you so much."
"I've missed you too Paul but now isn't really a good time."
"Steph what's wrong, have you been crying?"
"Please Paul I can't do this right now."
"Just talk to me please, I love you Steph these last two weeks have been hell for me, I can't bear not being with you I need you to tell me you love me too."
"You know I love you but things are complicated right now."
"Marry me Steph."
"What?"
"I said marry me, I love you and you love me so lets be together."
"I can't marry you Paul."
"Why because of Tom? He doesn't love you like I do Steph; I would never cheat on you or leave you ever and I want to be with you for the rest of my life."
"Paul I'm pregnant."
"What? You can't be?"
"Yeah that was my reaction too but I've seen the doctor Paul, I'm two weeks pregnant which means I don't know if you're the father."
Paul sits down and puts his head in his hands; his shoulders begin to shake as he sobs.
"I'm so sorry Paul believe me I am so sorry."
"I'm not the father Steph."
"You don't know that Paul it's more than likely that it is yours."
"No Steph, I wish more than anything in the world that it was my baby that you're carrying but it isn't, it isn't my baby Steph because I can't have children."
I sit down beside him completely shocked and take his hand in mine, I don't know what to say, this is a revelation I was not expecting and I really don't know how to deal with it. He looks up at me with tears down his cheeks and the pain in his eyes breaks my heart, he really would have been a wonderful father.
"I'm sorry Steph I should have told you but I didn't know how you felt about having children and I was scared you would leave me if you found out I couldn't be a father."
"Oh Paul I would never of left you because of that and you have nothing to be sorry about, all this is my fault. How do you know that you can't have children?"
"When I was younger I got the Mumps, I was really ill with it and developed Orchitis which is an inflammation of the testicles and well there were complications and it left me sterile."
"Paul I am so sorry, that must be awful for you."
"I can still be a father to your child though Steph, I promise I would love him or her as my own, this doesn't change anything for me I still want to marry you."
"I couldn't ask you to father another mans child Paul you would just end up resenting it and me and that wouldn't be fair on anybody and I have to consider Tom's feelings."
"What like he considered yours when he cheated on you, how do you know he won't do it again Steph and it would be 10 times worse with a child to look after? I can offer you stability we could be a family."
"I love you Paul I really do but it wouldn't work, I'm sorry but I have to talk to Tom and if there is a chance that we can sort this out and be a family then I have to take it Paul for the baby's sake, I hope you can understand that."
"I can't lose you Steph."
"I'm sorry Paul."
Slow soft tears run from his eyes and I can't hold mine back either, now the choice has been made and I have to walk away from him I realize just how much I really love him and the pain begins to burn my heart as he softly kisses my lips, a loving tender kiss that breaks my heart and melts my soul. His hands run over my shoulders and down my arms and I shiver from his gentle touch, I close my eyes and he kisses my eyelids then my nose and back down to my mouth where I feel his tongue smoothly slip inside.
"No Paul."
"One last time Steph let me make love to you one last time."
I know how wrong it is and how bad it makes me look but I cannot help myself, I understand what he needs and I need it too I have to show him how I feel about him even if it is for the last time even though I have to walk away I need to make love to him for the first and last time.
I smile through my tears and take his hand leading him into the bedroom; he returns my smile as he begins to peel of my clothes. He removes my top and kisses my shoulders and I can only moan through my tears, he kisses between my breasts as his hands fumble to undo my bra and then stroke my back as it falls to the floor. I pull his shirt off over his head and his body still takes my breath away, I kiss his chest and run my tongue over his nipple sucking it into my mouth and swirling my tongue around it. I switch to the other nipple and give it equal attention as his hands tangle in my hair and tickle my neck.
My head rolls back at the wonder of his touch and he tentatively presses himself up against me as we fall onto the bed holding each other tight. He leans over me and caresses my face staring into my eyes then closes them and looks away as if the pain is just too intense for him to bear. I reach up and kiss his eyelids as he did mine as his hands wander down to my hips and I lift my arse up of the bed as he pulls my skirt over my thighs and down my legs to join my bra on the floor.
I reach for his jeans and undo them, using my feet to push them to the floor his cock jumps free and I immediately take it in my hand rubbing his length as he moans in satisfaction. I get up on my knees and dive towards his cock taking it in my mouth and sucking slowly on the end licking his pre cum and flicking my tongue back and forth. I ease him back into my mouth taking every inch into my throat and sucking him in and out coating his cock in my saliva.
He removes his cock from my mouth and I lay back down on the bed, I feel him placing his cock inside my pussy and something snaps, I do not think I can do this I cannot let him penetrate me when I am carrying someone else's child.
"Paul please stop, I can't do this."
"Steph what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry Paul I just can't, the baby."
"Oh Steph its ok I understand I just wanted to be with you one last time."
"I wanted that too but it's not right."
"I know you will be a wonderful mother Steph I just wish I was the father."
"So do I."
"Do you mean that?"
"Yeah I do, I've made such a mess of things Paul I was so confused and scared of making the wrong decision, Tom was my past and you were my future but I couldn't see that and now that I can it's too late."
"You don't have to go back to him you know, we could move away buy a nice house with a garden start all over again."
"I wish we could Paul."
"But don't you see we can Steph, I want you to be my wife I want to be a father and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and making you happy all you have to do is say yes."
"Too much has happened Paul I'm pregnant by another man and I can't deny him his child it wouldn't be right."
"I will always love you Steph."
"You will always have my heart Paul."
We lay together in each others arms as we say goodbye not wanting to break our embrace because we both know that when this moment is over that will be the end, but like everything in life there has to be an end and I wish it didn't have to be so hard but everything ends badly otherwise it would never end.
Paul has gone and I'm left weeping on my bed mentally kicking myself for being such a fool but you see when you've had your heart broken you do stupid things, things you wouldn't normally do and recovering is a long and painful process. I didn't want to get my heart broken again I didn't think I would be able to live through it again and so I had to make sure I made the right decision but in the process I made a lot of mistakes and I take full responsibility for them which is why I have to go back to Tom to take responsibility for my mistakes and have my baby.
