Wow a one star right out of the gate on my previous episode now that's a first! I'd like those that read here to remember that many write for the joy of it and to give to others, myself included. It costs very little to be kind.
I did also mention at the beginning of this series I wrote this during a very dark and desperate time in my life. I fortunately now am completely cured, but if I had even dared to share my work during that period and got any kind of heavy criticism or a one star I would have been unable to cope. So please remember that when you are harsh to others, you never know what they are going through.
This series is complete and queued for publication, it will be uploaded as soon as the moderators approve each episode. Don't forget to check out the accompanying illustration in my artworks! Enjoy!
Downward Spiral
He had lied to us all. I chanced upon a discarded pay slip today while cleaning. I unfolded its carelessly creased paper out of curiosity. I was always curious about his mostly secret vanilla life. I devoured any little detail rapaciously, even something as mundane as this. I looked at the figures on the paper in slack mouthed shock, his wages were certainly not the handsome ones of a foreman, but the meager earnings of a lowly onsite laborer. Barely enough to get by.
We would not starve, but we would not get ahead either. I could feel his shame. Armed with this information I was now most uncertain of the future. I knew we would not be leaving here, this modest house and his car was all he had.
This fine summer day he was home uncharacteristically early. Mick and Tubby had not been gone very long. Fortunately for me I had no secret activities to hide as I had here in the past. Today I am sure he would have sprung me at them. I barely made the door to greet him as he liked, I wonder if he still would have hit me for my tardiness in my present condition? It had been a very long time since he had done so. I was slower now entering my fifth month of pregnancy. So far all had gone well and I felt good with only minor bothers, I was grateful. He had not allowed the visitation of even a midwife.
He passed me in the doorway, he did not even pause to glance down, instead slamming the door hard in his wake, the old window glass rattled in the loose panes, I jumped. I looked to him he was grim, the set of his great shoulders told me with certainty something was very wrong indeed.
He slumped heavily in the chair clothed in the air of defeat, it was too small for him and creaked in protest. He signaled me to bring him a drink, he did not want coffee either I already knew it. I dutifully brought in the bottle of scotch it was all we had and a glass. He did not even bother with the glass, instead upending the bottle and all but poured it down his throat. I sat silently by him while he took his fill.
He spent the afternoon unmoving like a statue that was carved of stone. He finished the entire bottle in short time, and sat morosely looking out the partially curtained window that framed the empty street, gazing at nothing in particular. I dare not move, nor inquire of his woes. I hoped he did not call for more liquor as there was nothing else to present him with. Perhaps he already knew as he mercifully never asked for more.
Darkness fell I could remain inactive no longer. The tension and his black mood had made me feel I was walking on razors. He seemed to not notice in his dark oblivion I had left his side.
I had gone to bed alone in the dark house, but I did not find the solace of sleep. I had never slept well with him absent from the bed. It was some time before I heard the others return, it was well past two am.
"You okay?" I heard Mick ask reservedly. There was a long silence.
"Got laid off." His voice was deadpan.
"I'm sorry mate." Mick sympathized. "You'll find somethin else, you'll see."
Master did not reply.
From that moment our lives together transitioned into something else, a new low if that was at all possible. Master/slave as always but now ruled by the constraints of poverty. Master never took another job I am not sure he even looked for one, he seemed shattered and worn. He could have with his medical condition claimed a pension, but he made no move to. He was possessed of pride and did not make any attempt to call for assistance from his wealthy family either. Even when his money finally ran out.
I had glimpsed traces of things that I did not wish to recognize for what they truly were. The fast talking, the large pupils, vast optimism and confidence, to only be replaced by crushing immobile depression and hour or so later. I knew it would come given time even if I fooled myself, and after this last blow to Master's pride it was all too easy for him to resume.
My spirits plummeted to witness his act. Only two months in Mick's company and Master was using again. Any hope I carried for us was dashed as I saw him draw the lines on the top of the coffee table. The dreadful makings of his ritual with death. He could not leave it alone, I turned and walked from the room to the back door, I could have wept tears of blood. From that day on our lives deteriorated, and in the space of a very few days many things changed rapidly.
He reluctantly sold his red Corvette and bought a battered silver Volvo to take its place, its sale fed his addictions for a short time, but not for long. My mind kept straying back to the American gentleman and his wad of money so long ago in that seedy hotel room. I wondered if Master would again insist on selling my body to raise much needed funds. I think the only thing that saved me from this terror was the fact I carried his child.
Mick did not pressure Master, and in lieu of rent money he continued to provide for his stricken friend long after Master's funds ran out. Things were fine until he began to harass him for cocaine. It was after all just too expensive to give away. Mick was firm with him, and Master begrudgingly backed down, which was very fortunate. He was a proud man after all. However the hunger had again awakened and the need he felt was slowly consuming him. It was all too visible.
On the heels of all this hardship Master was caught driving with a suspended license. He knew this, yet he drove with impunity. His inability to always observe what was to the left side of him caused him to have a minor accident with another vehicle. Fortunately no one was injured, but the damage to Master was done. He was promptly served a summons and was ordered by the judge to seek psychiatric help that he might understand better he was not fit to drive with his disability in lieu of jail time.
Master merely scoffed at this order, however his old car was impounded and it would not be released. He had no more cash to buy even a half broken down one, his driving days were numbered.
Master was pressured, and now backed into a corner jobless, penniless, and with few friends. I sensed some of his issues but not all, nor the changing landscape of the insular world I occupied. Deals had been negotiated and I had no idea of them. Though I would be expected to pay their price...
*****
It was late morning. Mick usually left around this time, the day was fine and I knew he would take his motorcycle. He leered at me as I was cleaning away the breakfast dishes in the kitchen, flashing his broken yellow toothed smile, never failing to incite in me a loathing dread.
He had sent Tubby shopping to the mini mart about half an hour before, unlike me she could drive. I envied her, she seemed less a slave to me than I had previously thought. Master was much stricter with my freedoms than Mick ever was with Tubby. I wished it were otherwise, but he had never relented his iron hold on my life and all in it. This small supermarket was not far from where we lived. A place of fables to me though as Master had never permitted me to accompany him there.
