The moment Chad closed that door behind them, Rose became intensely nervous. It was not that she did not want this, want him. But she was not that young, pretty thing anymore. Fifteen years and pregnancy had taken their toll on her body. Her breasts sagged. The muffin top, that roll of disgusting skin just above her pubic bone, never went away no matter how many crunches she did. And the stretch marks on her stomach and tits were like a road map of Texas - that included all the little dirt ones, too. And even without the lights on, the moonlight was much too bright through the huge bay window.
She stared out that window. This far out of the city, with all its lights, you could see a million stars against the blue-black sky. Their light traveling across time and space, distances her brain could not even fathom, to reach her at this moment. That was how she felt. As if she had been given some incredible gift. A second chance at love and happiness that she had thought as fleeting as a shooting star.
She sat on the edge of that wooden four-poster bed. This was no reproduction. Someone had lovingly craved it, perhaps from wood they had chopped themselves. The full moon was so bright that it illuminated another of those intricate quilts. This one had a stars and stripes pattern in red, white, and blue. She ran her hand over it as well.
"We don't have to..." She looked up and smiled. His face was a raw reflection of the insecurities that she felt. She held out her hand.
Chad looked at that door for a long moment, then nodded his head. He walked a couple of steps to the bed and sat down beside her. Rose laced her fingers through his, resting them on his thigh. She leaned her head against those broad shoulders. For a couple of moments, they sat in companionable silence.
He wrapped his arm about her and drew her even closer. His fingers squeezed hers, "It's alright, darlin.' Now is probably lousy timing anyway." He turned to face her and smiled down, "I can just hold you for a bit. Then you can slip back to your room without Grace knowing. Heck, you can sleep here if you need to. I'm man enough to control myself."
Rose's heart pounded with what she now recognized as love, genuine love. And maybe some sanctimonious, self-righteous people would condemn her, him, them, but she had never had a real marriage. She had a business deal, negotiated between men more than twice her age at the time. Her body had been sold just as surely as a slave's. It was only that the price for her virginity had been higher.
At that conference and others, she had learned the plight of young girls around the world bartered by their families into marriage with much older men. To the people in those rooms, forced marriage was something that happened in developing nations, thousands of miles from the good old USA. Even those that knew about her older husband never made the connection. It was unthinkable. And perhaps she was a few years older than some of those girls, certainly much more mature than the youngest victims, but at nineteen and away from her sheltered home, Cassies had just begun to live, when...
Sure, she had followed Aunt Rose's advice. She had honestly tried her best in that first couple of years to make her marriage work. But marriages take two people, and she could never do it alone.
Her fingers traced the lines around his mouth. He had not shaved since that morning. His cheek was rough. She ran the pad of her mouth over those lips. "You're the only man I've ever loved," she spoke the truth in the silence like a prayer.
He scooped her into his arms and turned them so that they lay facing one another on top of that quilt. He propped his head on one hand and pillowed her head on his other arm. "I know that people would say this is wrong. Especially now, tonight, your husband just dead..."
Rose shook her head, "Gerald was never my husband, not in the ways that counted. Any more than he was Callie's father."
She lifted her hand, moved it to the front of his worn and dusty flannel shirt. It was easier to study the small silver snaps there than look into those Wilson green eyes as she spoke. "And I meant what I said earlier. I need you, Chad. Right now, tonight, with everything so fucking uncertain, I need the one thing that has been consistent in my heart and mind for fifteen years."
She lifted her eyes, "I need you."
He inhaled deeply and smiled as he bent and pressed one of those heart-stopping kisses right in the middle of her forehead. A forehead that she also knew had lines and wrinkles that had not been there fifteen years ago.
This man had laid his heart and soul bare to her on that front porch last night and tonight. He deserved nothing less in return. She exhaled deeply and bit her lower lip as she began, "My reluctance was not some misplaced sense of loyalty or guilt to a man that controlled my life more than he ever cared for me."
She found the courage that was his due and looked him directly in those eyes as she continued, "My reluctance earlier had more to do with vanity."
She hesitated for a moment. She heard Gerald's voice in her mind, all those times that he had called her out of shape, old, disgusting. It had been years since she had subjected herself to his abuse. So long that she had forgotten the last time she was even partially naked in front of the man. One good thing about his wealth, there were plenty of bedrooms to choose from in that mansion. Heck, most of their 'friends' slept in separate rooms too.
But Chad was not Gerald. She knew in her heart that he would never say those things. Would never hurt her like that. That did not mean that he would not be disappointed. And as hard as she knew he would try to cover it, she feared that she would know. Could she survive that?
That truth. This man had been nothing but honest with her. And he deserved the same from her. She sucked up her courage and studied that silver snap again, "I'm not young and pretty like I was then."
She fought to keep the tears back, but her voice was a hoarse whisper as she forced the rest of those demons from her mind and out her lips. "The years and my pregnancy have taken their toll."
"I'm afraid you won't..."
She closed her eyes and screwed up every single bit of courage and strength inside of her, "I'm afraid I'll disappoint you. That you won't find me desirable."
There. She had done it. She had brought forth her deepest fears, well other than losing this man or their daughter, but she had spoken them aloud. Cleared the air.
