Staring At The Sun Ch 14

Chapter 14 – Home

This is the last chapter of this story and I'd like to thank all my readers for their feedback and support over the last year of writing.

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Lying in the darkness my eyes ached from crying. Richard lay next to me and I knew he was also awake, his breathing uneven. It was some ungodly hour of the morning and we'd been up until midnight, the tears and recriminations finally spent. We could talk no longer and I'd had a long bath before climbing wearily into bed, every part of me aching with sadness and a terrible sense of loss.

Our bags were packed and we intended to be gone before any of the other residents of the house awoke. I knew a long and painful journey lay ahead of us but in a small way hoped that the enforced incarceration would give us a chance to calm matters before we faced my parents and the children.

I had tried to explain to Richard what had happened on the night I went out for dinner with Jake but he simply would not listen. He accused me of engineering the affair and believed that I had been unfaithful to him with Mike as well. For a woman previously loyal and committed, I found this hard to take.

"Why won't you just listen to me?" I'd shouted at him the previous night. "The man you called a friend deliberately set this all up to blackmail us! Why can't you see that?"

But he wouldn't listen and the despair I felt went deeper than any other hurt I'd suffered. Our marriage had been on a rocky path before this holiday and now it was careering down the mountain, smashed to pieces. How could I ever hope to mend it?

I stayed still in bed, scared to move in case Richard started on at me again. He hadn't mentioned Alice and her role in our problems, preferring to heap the blame on me; it was as if by doing that, I would finally capitulate and admit to my guilt.

But I was guilty and I couldn't deny that. At a time when my husband needed me most, I'd been prepared to commit adultery with Mike, and to hell with the consequences. Jake's betrayal of his friend was inexcusable, but I certainly hadn't pushed him away the morning after the rape. I'd enjoyed it as much as he had and I still didn't know how long Richard had been watching us. I cringed when I thought of how passionate I'd been with Jake, how I'd enjoyed the feel of his hard body on top of mine, his unique smell and his eyes boring into mine...

I shuddered. I never ever thought I'd be capable of having an affair despite my, at times, unsatisfactory marriage. I had too much to lose. But I wondered if Richard had ever been tempted. His close relationship with Jilly sometimes suggested that he'd entered into an affair with her which intrigued me. I was seeing a side of my husband I'd never witnessed before.

My husband moved suddenly and I tensed, hoping he wouldn't realise that I was awake. "I know you're not asleep, Louise..."

I stiffened, surprised that his tone was so flat and emotionless. "My head aches," I replied. "I've been awake for hours."

I felt him turn towards me in the darkness and saw the glow of his watch as he checked the time. "It's 4am. Why don't we just get up and leave?"

A feeling of relief flooded through me at his words. I'd been waiting for him to say that for almost the whole holiday and there was nothing I wanted more than to leave this wretched place and go home, no matter how difficult the time ahead would be.

"Please, Richard. I can't stand it any more."

Silently we moved around the room, packing our toiletries and nightwear into overnight bags, although I knew that we wouldn't be staying anywhere on the way home. It would be a hard, fast drive back and I prepared myself for a grim journey. In a way I felt uncomfortable at skulking away in the middle of the night, but I just couldn't face our hosts any longer. I would miss Diana. Her calm and steady demeanour was always a respite from Jilly's manic friendliness, but maybe I would write to her when things had settled down. If they ever would...

Outside dawn was breaking and an owl hooted in the distance. It reminded me of the night I'd crept away with Mike. My stomach contracted with nerves at how badly I'd behaved over the last two weeks and I hurriedly pushed our bags into the boot, determined to put this place as far behind me as I could. I doubted I would ever return to France after this fiasco; it would hold nothing but bad memories.

As the tyres crunched over the gravel I was convinced that the house would suddenly be ablaze with lights as the Harpers tried to stop us from leaving, but nothing stirred and as Richard steered the car onto the road I heaved a sigh of relief. I closed my eyes and relaxed back onto the seat, a terrible weariness overtaking me.

*

Four hours later Richard pulled off the autoroute and into a petrol station, his face grey with tiredness.

"Do you want me to carry on driving?" I asked, unbuckling my seat belt to take over the wheel.

"No, I'm fine," he said shortly, getting out of the car and stretching.

I looked around, desperate for a hot coffee and wandered into the shop to see if they had a machine, as well as picking up a couple of baguettes for breakfast. Taking my purchases to the counter I paid for the petrol as well, using my own credit card. I wasn't sure about our financial situation any more and imagined we were back to the lean days before our stay with the Harpers. From now on we would have to watch every penny we spent.

As I walked back, Richard was checking the map, his face lined with stress and worry. "I paid," I told him as I handed him a baguette and his coffee.

"You paid?"

"Yes...is that a problem?"

"What are you trying to say, Louise? That I can't afford it?"

I stared at him in amazement. "No, of course not. I put it on my credit card. Does that matter?"

He glared at me in anger. "I can pay our way, you know. I don't need your charity."

Sudden tears sprang to my eyes as he stood there, hands on hips, his face furious. The husband I used to know had well and truly gone, to be replaced by a man consumed by mistrust and rage. I shuddered at the realisation that our relationship would never be the same again, even if we did manage to sort out our problems.

I ignored his outburst and returned to the passenger seat, my appetite completely gone. Tears coursed down my cheeks as Richard angrily fired up the engine and drove out of the petrol station, his baguette thrown onto the back seat.

Once on the autoroute he accelerated and I watched as the speedometer climbed higher and higher, the powerful car surging forward with my angry husband at the wheel. I had visions of a terrible accident, but I didn't dare say anything. Even the slightest remark would be interpreted as criticism so I stared out of the window and remained silent.

And so the journey continued. Mile after mile of silence between us and the passing French scenery seemed to mock us with its beauty and serenity. We should have been exploring the countryside, discovering little vineyards that sold fantastic wine, eating at restaurants that were a temple to food, but instead we were speeding back home, a grim taste in our mouths.

Unable to stand it any longer I finally broke the heavy silence. "Richard...we need to talk about this. No matter how painful, we need to talk about what's happened."

He ignored me but I could see his hands clench the steering wheel even tighter.

"Richard, please. Can't you tell me about Alice?"

Silence. I waited several minutes and then Richard slowed the car slightly, dropping back into the inside lane, as if he was going to concentrate more on talking than driving.

"Alice wasn't important. She was just someone we knew."

"But she obviously was important! Jake wouldn't have done all this if she wasn't."

Richard shrugged his shoulders. "I never believed she was. She used to hang around with us, but Jake never told me he loved her. That wasn't his thing."

"Well..." I paused, at a loss to get more information out of my husband. "How did you feel about her?"

Another shrug. "She was just a friend. I fancied her, of course, but that was about it. We were too young to get tied down."

"But did Jake never let on how he felt? He must have said something!"

"I don't remember."

I sighed with frustration. "Because of her, we've had our lives ruined and you can't remember anything about her?"

Richard turned to me. "Don't think that you can use this to get off the hook, Louise. Right from the start of this holiday you've been trying to get off with Jake...or Mike," he added.

Ignoring him, I asked, "What about your meeting with Jake? Before the holiday?"

"What about it?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to worry you and it seemed the perfect way of being able to relax and sort the business out at the same time."

We were back to the same old arguments. Richard didn't think I was capable of solving our financial problems, preferring instead to confess all to an old friend he hadn't seen for years. With disastrous consequences. I wondered how long Jake had been planning this deception. How delighted he must have been to have us fall into his hands like that – with a crisis in our lives that he was only too pleased to help with. He must have been rubbing his hands in glee.

"What happened after Jake found you both together? What did he do?"

There was a pause as Richard thought back twenty years to his university days. "I can't remember. He was shocked when he walked in on us, I know that. The look in his eyes was one of pain. I felt a bastard, I must admit, but Alice never realised how he felt for her. He should have said."

"So was he a different man to how he is now?"

"No, no. Jake was always ambitious. Always wanted to win at everything. In fact, it used to get on my nerves how competitive he was at times. He could be aggressive about getting what he wanted."

I stared out of the window trying to imagine the three of them locked into the eternal triangle. Alice wanting Richard, Jake wanting Alice.

"Did you see much of Alice afterwards?"

"Not really. Jake disappeared for a month and our relationship died a natural death. She was a lovely girl but there was no real spark."

"Where did Jake go?"

"No idea. He just took off one day and that was it for a while. I presume he went home."

"And then what?"

Richard ran his fingers through his hair. "Why is this so important?"

"Because I want to know what happened! Jake's been waiting to get revenge on you for years and you walked right into his trap!"

"Well, how the hell did I know that he was still so fucking angry? It was a long time ago!"

I slumped in my seat, despair flooding my body. If only Richard had confided in me about the business, none of this would have happened. We could have sorted this out together, sure in the knowledge that our partnership was strong.

"So what's going to happen now?"

Richard turned to me, his face grim. "We'll have to sell the house. It's as simple as that."

My stomach flipped over at his words. "And what about us?"

Richard stayed silent but his fingers gripped the steering wheel even tighter. I thought of the children, their lives disrupted by divorce, the stress of moving home and a new school and I suddenly vowed that I'd do everything I could to prevent it happening.

*

The rest of the journey passed in almost complete silence. We stopped several times for petrol and drinks, but the relentless drive back was accomplished and it was dawn when we finally arrived back home, both of us weary beyond belief. We'd been held up at Calais and sitting at the docks watching cars arrive with people starting their holiday made me utterly miserable. Only two weeks ago we had emerged from the hold of the boat into bright sunshine, the prospect of two weeks holiday our only thought.

We'd phoned my parents to let them know we were on our way and my mother had picked up on my sad voice immediately.

"Do you want us to take the children to our house for the night? Make it easier for you to get settled in?"

I'd agreed. The thought of facing the children's excitement was too much and I knew that they would sense something was wrong. So leaving the unpacking until later, we'd collapsed into bed, both of us passing out with complete exhaustion.

Later, after a cup of strong coffee, Richard phoned my father and arranged to go into work. "How have things been?" he asked and I held my breath waiting for the response.

Things were worse than we realised and my father was in daily talks with the bank as the overdraft was at its limit. "Are they going to extend it?" I asked Richard when he came off the phone.

"I don't know."

I stared at him in dismay. "Well, surely they can do something! We've been customers for years!"

"The business manager's coming out to us on Monday. We've got to let him know what we intend to do."

"What can we do?"

"Well, put the house on the market first."

Tears filled my eyes as I looked around at our beautiful house, the ornaments that we'd been given as wedding presents, the children's pictures stuck on the fridge door. It was our home.

Richard drained his coffee and stood up. "I'm going into work. I'll get the cases out of the boot."

I followed him outside, my eyes sensitive to the bright sunlight glinting off the windows of the car. Everything looked beautiful in the garden; the borders were full of early summer flowers and a soft breeze rippled through the trees that we'd planted when we first moved in. It was my refuge, my sanctuary and I couldn't bear to leave it.

Richard dumped the suitcases on the drive and then left, his face grim as he reversed into the road. I stood and watched the car disappear out of sight, then, with a heavy heart started to haul the luggage into the house to unpack.

*

The phone rang as I was putting away the last of our toiletries and I imagined it would be my mother. The children were at school and I'd arranged to pick them up in the afternoon. They knew we were home and would be full of excitement at seeing us again. I couldn't wait to hold them both and keep them close.

But it was a surprise to find Diana on the phone, her voice almost a whisper.

"Louise...I've done a terrible thing..."

"What? Tell me..."

There was a slight pause and then she went on, her voice lower still. "I've thrown Rob out...I want a divorce. He told me what happened."

"What did he tell you?"

"About Jake and the disc he made of you together..."

I gasped. "He told you?"

"The idiot was drunk. He thought it was so funny, Louise."

I cringed. It was typical of how evil and twisted Rob was. Only he could find rape and blackmail funny. "So you've told him your marriage is over?"

"Yes, but I've also done something worse..."

"Oh, tell me, Diana...please."

"Somehow he managed to get hold of the disc Jake made. He brought it up to our bedroom to show me. Had some stupid idea that it would turn me on and spice up our sex life." Diana snorted. "As if it would. I was disgusted by what I saw Louise. How could Jake do that to you?"

I gripped the receiver tightly. "Oh God, Diana. You should never have seen that. Jake must have spiked my drink when we went out for a meal. I didn't know what I was doing."

"You looked out of it," she agreed. "But, anyway...Rob fell asleep after a while. He insisted we watch it all the way through and then he..." she paused. "No, I won't bore you with the details."

I shuddered at the thought of being in bed with Rob and Diana continued. "He fell asleep and I waited until he started snoring and then I took the disc and hid it in my bag." Her voice lowered to a whisper again. "I'm sorry, Louise, but I'm using my mobile in a café in the village. I'm worried someone will hear what I'm saying."

"It's OK...go on..." I urged, already suspecting what she was going to say.

"Well, Rob was out of it for most of the morning. He drank so much last night I'm surprised he could do anything, let alone want to have sex. I had breakfast with Jake and Jilly and then she said she was going to spend the day at home. I've a feeling she was hungover as well..."

"Sounds like you all had quite a night..."

Diana agreed. "Except me...you know I don't drink a lot. But anyway...the weather today has been overcast so I knew that Jilly would be staying in the house. I took the disc from my bag and put it into the DVD player in the living room and then waited for Jilly to appear."

"And did she?"

"Oh, yes...she came in and settled herself on the sofa and I innocently asked if we could watch a film together. She agreed, of course, so I pressed play...and well, you can guess the rest..."

I gasped. "What did she say?"

There was a pause. "Actually, it was rather sad. She went pale and then burst into tears. But she couldn't take her eyes off the screen. She was almost mesmerised by what she saw. It was a terrible shock for her."

"Was Jake in the house?"

"No...he was off playing golf. She got into her car and roared off and that's when I left."

"So where's Rob?"

"He's still at the house. I'm going to stay with a friend tonight and then fly home tomorrow."

I ran my fingers through my hair in despair. "Three marriages broken up over this, Diana. I feel as if it's all my fault."

"It's not," she soothed and tears gathered in my eyes. "Jake's the one to blame, not you. How's Richard?"

"Not good. It was a shock seeing me with Jake, Diana, and I'm not sure if he'll ever get over it. I know that Jake drugged me, but the next morning I did have sex with him voluntarily...I can't deny that. I feel so mixed up..."

"Jake's a powerful and attractive man, Louise. I've been tempted in the past, but he's never looked at me like that. He has something about him that women go for."

"I wish one woman had." I explained about Alice but Diana already knew. "Rob told me about her. I can't believe that he's acting like this because of what happened so long ago."

"So what are you going to do about Rob?"

"I've had enough, Louise. Seeing his face when he showed me the DVD of you and Jake made me finally realise what a nasty piece of work my husband is.

"You're going to divorce him?"

"I want to. He's made my life a misery for the last couple of years. I know he doesn't love me any more. We're just living a lie."

Her words haunted me for the rest of the day. She'd rung off and I'd wished her well, grateful for the risk she'd taken in exposing Jake for what he really was. I felt shame that I hadn't confronted Jake about what he'd done and threatened to tell Jilly. Kind and caring Diana had felt incensed by what she'd witnessed and was brave enough to put matters right. Of all the people I'd met in France, Diana was the only genuine person who had taken the time to try and get to know me better.

*

My mother met me at school and she hugged me close. "You look tired, Louise. Not how I imagined you'd be looking after two weeks away."

"I know. It was more of an ordeal than a holiday."

We sat in the car in silence as we waited for the children to appear. There was so much I wanted to say, I didn't know where to start. "Will you come over for dinner tonight?" I asked. "There's so much I need to tell you."

"Of course. Don't worry about it now...just try and look happy for the children's sake."

I nodded my head. "I feel like I've let them down."

She held my hand in hers and squeezed. "We'll get through it, just you see."

The children were ecstatic when they saw me waiting for them. Lily flew into my arms and hugged me tight and it was wonderful to feel her close to me again. Matt kissed me and held my hand as we walked back to the car.

"What presents have you got us?"