St. Dunstan's Nuns

The Roman November was cold and chill. Steam clouded the kitchen windows as Mavis Hazelton, our cook, prepared the Noon meal at the Generalate. Mavis, a short, chubby woman in a white blouse and dark skirt, was usually disheveled by the middle of the day, but today she had a panicked look about her. As I entered, she caught my eye and said frantically: "Helen, you've got ta do something about her, you have to get her out of my hair. She's me own flesh and blood and I love her, but she's driving me crazy, the poor gel. Monsignore Elephant is growling with frustration, and I have to keep him happy somehow. Please, Helen, please."

She had to be talking about her granddaughter, Betsy Birkitt, and her lover, Monsignore Carlo Maria Farinelli, otherwise known as the Elephant. Betsy had been in the country for a long holiday after his twin sister's wedding to Kieran Hali, an Anglican seminarian I'd known from England. "I'm busy this afternoon, Aunt Mavis. I have to go over to the Cardinal's office while they're on siesta and check on the books for him."

"That's three times you've been there this month, Helen," she said, shaking her head while stirring a pot. "I suspect there's something going on between you two."

"No, Aunt Mavis, there isn't. His Eminence isn't even around while I'm there, he's terrorizing the Philippine Dominicans this month and all I'm doing is a bit of secret auditing. It's part of the price of keeping his friendship."

She shook her head in disbelief. "I'll never know what you Romans are up to, there's wheels within wheels with your lot."

"Like the Church of England is devoid of politics and chicanery?" I said, tapping my foot impatiently.

"All right, point taken." Stirring a pot with more enthusiasm than necessary, she begged: "Can ye get her out of my hair tonight, at least? You and Sister Juli take her to your dance club and let her get some energy out of her system? Please, Helen, please?"

"The way you've been running around the past three weeks? I'd think she was tired."

"My family is infamous for its stamina, especially the women," she said proudly. "We saw everything in Venice, Florence and Naples, and still had enough to run around Rome for three days." A sigh escaped her lips and she shrugged her shoulders. "She's tired of sightseeing, wants to have some fun, and neither one of us can have it if we're stuck with each other all the time." A timer went off and she pulled a pan of rolls out of the oven, putting it on the counter to cool. "And I'm worried."

"Worried? How?"

She looked around and lowered her voice. "I'm worried the Elephant will get her. What he might do to her if he found her alone."

"I don't understand. Isn't he happy with you?" I said, shaking my head in disbelief.

She shrugged her shoulders. "She's young and beautiful, and his eye might wander. Men are all alike, especially one as virile as Carlo is. I want her to find a young man and have a family, be happy like her twin sister is, not be the concubine of some greasy old Italian priest."

I shook my head. "I still don't understand completely. Some people might say you're the concubine of a greasy old Italian priest."

"Yes, but I've had my family and my home and I've earned my chance at a little fun. I don't have a future like she does, poor gel at the start of her life. The Elephant might ruin her for other men."

"I see your point. So you want me to get her out of the way. . ."

"So I can make some time for Carlo and me. I didn't come here to be a nun."

I spread my hands and nodded. "Okay, Aunt Mavis, I'll set something up. I'll get her out of here after Evening Prayers. Is that enough time for you?"

"More than. I've considered hauling him into a closet, I'm so randy."

It took me a moment to work through that image, which was difficult since I didn't think we had any closets big enough for Mavis and the Elephant to do anything significant. "Just let me check with La Rossa. Need to know if she wants us for anything else tonight."

A quick cell phone call, and we were free. Sister Juliana was relieved to be going out; it had been almost a month since we'd been dancing and she was getting cabin fever. I found her ironing purificators and corporals in the laundry room with a worried look on her face. "I'm going crazy, Sister Franny. It's too cold to use the roof afternoon, and I miss the sun. Winter's always my least favorite season. And something's wrong with Senora Mavis: the Elephant's been chasing me again!"

"Tonight should help both your problems, Sister Juli. I'm ready to get out of here, even if it means babysitting a relative."

"Senora Mavis' granddaughter?"

"You don't know the half of it. I knew the twins when I was living in England: we were all kids at St. Dunstan's together, and I'd just swum the Tiber when Vicar Alfred came to town. The girls were on the prowl all the time, and I think they set their caps on the Vicar until Agnes Sterns landed him."

"Didn't she have that accident in Kansas. . .?"

"Yes, but don't get me sidetracked. When Kieran Hali came to live with the Vicar, the girls adjusted their sights and had a little competition for him. Beatrice won, and Aunt Mavis went to their wedding last month in England, bringing Betsy back for an extended recuperation after losing."

"I see. But what's the other connection? Did this Kieran mean something to you?"

"He's my half brother." Sister Juliana's jaw dropped and she gasped. "My birth father was an Irish Holy Ghost Father who was an African Missionary."

"I've heard of those Holy Ghost Fathers," Sister Juliana said with fear, crossing herself. "They were absolutely wicked."

"Yes, I know. It explains a bit about me, doesn't it?" She nodded her head and shut her mouth. "Anyway, he was in Nigeria where Kieran's mother was a young novice, and impregnated her about a year after she impregnated my birth mother. The younger Kieran came to our convent for a individual retreat once, we started talking to each other, and that's how we found out we were brother and sister. The only thing we have in common is red hair, but we've become good friends and stayed in touch."

"I thought you were an only child, Sister Franny. This is so charming: being raised apart and not even knowing. . ."

I nodded my head. "So I know from both sides what Betsy is like. We'll have to stick to her like glue: she's likely to wander off and get into all kinds of trouble."

"How come?"

"She's like her grandmother: insatiable."

Sister Juliana crossed herself again.

After Evening Prayer, Sister Juliana and I changed clothes, meeting Betsy by the door to the Elephant's wing. She had on a coat and otherwise looked nice without overdoing it, so I didn't say anything about her appearance. It was different for her: "Wow, I'd never think you were nuns! You look amazing! Where did your get those earrings, Juli?"

I had to translate since Sister Juliana didn't speak English. She only blushed in reply and didn't say anything. It seemed like there was a racket coming from the Chaplain's rooms, but the others didn't seem to hear it and I didn't draw their attention to the fact. We took a motorpool car, and I resolved to be the designated driver for the evening: looking after Betsy and Sister Juliana in public was going to require a clear head.

The Pyramid club was only half full when we arrived, and when we checked our coats, I realized my worst fears were realized. Betsy wore a silver top with spaghetti straps that shone and highlighted her dramatic cleavage, with an extremely short black shirt that displayed her shapely legs. A full foot taller than I, she looked around the room hungrily as we entered. "Betsy, we need to be careful tonight," I murmured at her. "Stay with us, and play it safe."

"I've been playing it safe for months, Helen," she said, shaking her head in negation. "Time to have some fun. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything that'll get me into trouble." Sister Juliana trembled and shrunk to my side.

We found a table for our purses, and hit the dance floor, reveling in the space available. "This is just the ticket, sis," Betsy shouted over the music.

"Sis? You mean Sister Mary Frances Xavier, don't you?" I replied.

"Naw, Kieran told me about you two. Your brother married my sister, so I guess we're sisters-in-law now."

"That's a stretch, Betsy, and you know it."

"Hey, loosen up, it's all good. We got lots of time. Gran wants her time alone with the Elephant Man, and doesn't want to share him. Your gardener's a nice kid, but you've got him well trained: I couldn't get a rise out of him with Guy Fawkes' gunpowder stash. Just gonna dance to the music, hang with you two, drink like a fish, let the boys look at my tits, and let you pour me into bed when the night's over. What could be wrong with that?"

"What did she say?" Sister Juliana asked with concern.

"You don't want to know," I replied in Italian, and shook my head knowing how little I could reason with Betsy, or how little Sister Juliana would understand. Betsy hadn't changed since she was a teenager.

Taking a break from the dance floor, Betsy got Sister Juliana to try some Scotch. After a few tentative sips, my comrade grew accustomed to the taste and started keeping up with Betsy. "You're corrupting this young nun, Betsy. La Rossa will never forgive you for this: we go through enough Scotch in a month as it is."

"Loosen up, Helen. Old Barbie may squawk a bit, but she's not going to send you or her home over this, is she?" I grimaced at her calling my Mother something she would never tolerate in person, and bit my tongue as I sipped my Coca Cola. "Hey, what's that door over in the corner?"

I took a look and was grateful for the dim light hiding my facial expression. "It's the VIP club, for those who can afford it. They don't let just anyone in there, and we don't have enough cash with us."

"Won't they let us in? I bet some rich toff'll shell out."

"These guys are rich enough bring their own women, they're too good to cruise with the common classes out here." The music picked up after a break, and Betsy moved out onto the floor.

"Was she asking about the sex club?" Sister Juliana asked as we followed her.

"Yes, but I told her another story. We definitely don't need her going in there."

"Or us, either," she giggled mischievously. I rolled my eyes and tried to get into the spirit of the music.

The others had worked their way through one bottle of Scotch and had started a second when my cell phone went off around 2300. "Squirt, I need you to get up to Florence right now," La Rossa said urgently.

"I can't."

"What do you mean, can't? Sister Prudence got loose again, and they found her on the Ponte Vecchio begging alms for pregnant fathers. How she got up to Florence is a mystery to me. They're holding her at the station; you need to get up there now to collect her."

"Dressed like this?"

"Yes, dressed like this. What's your problem?"

"I'm out with Betsy and Juli and they're already two sheets to the wind."

There was a silence on the other end. "Shit," she said at last. "I'll have to send Lucia out to meet them. Tell them to stay where they are until she gets there."

"We're at the. . ."

"I know where you are, Squirt. Lucia will come in civvies. Juli's sober enough to look after the car keys, isn't she?"

"Yes, at this moment, she is."

"That will have to do. Get on the first train to Florence, now!"

"Yes, Mother."

It took several moments to drag my companions to the side table we were using. "I have to run, La Rossa has an urgent job for me. Sister Lucia's going to meet you here; stay put until she gets here. Don't go anywhere."

"What if we have to go to the loo?" Betsy asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"Go together, as usual. If you don't behave Betsy, God help you, I'll tell your Grandmother what happened in the convent fruit orchard when you were fourteen."

A look of shock crossed her face. "You wouldn't, Helen, surely you wouldn't."

"You know better, I damn well would. Now I'll tell Juli in Italian what's going on. At the rate she's going, you'll have to make sure she doesn't pass out. You've taken her Scotch virginity, so she's your responsibility."

Betsy pouted and shook her head. "Shit, Helen. You're no fun."

"I don't have to be."

It took a few moments to fill Sister Juliana in, and she looked concerned when I mentioned Sister Prudence. "Sister Prudi's really lost it in the last month. We'll have to lock her up."

"Take the keys, Juli, and keep them until Lucia gets here. Stay with Betsy wherever she goes."

Sister Juliana made a valiant effort at being sober and reasonable. "Sure, Franny. Sister Lucia's a terror: she'll keep this girl in line."

I barely made the train. It was mostly empty, and I had to fend off several interested men since I wasn't wearing my habit. It must have been the hoop earrings, even though they're clip ons. As the dark miles when by, I was glad Sister Lucia was on her way: she was a formidable woman who could handle any situation. I respected and trusted her completely.

A cab to the station, and I found Sister Prudence there in the wee hours, patiently trying to persuade her captors that she was on a Holy Mission. "But, their wives are having babies and they don't know where they are. It's such a shame, how these men are laughed at. Oh, Sister Mary Frances, I'm glad you're here. You look lovely my child, you must have been dancing."

"Come, Sister. We need to go home, La Rossa needs you for something important. You can come back here tomorrow."

"But Sister, I'm needed here for something important."

"Isn't it nice to be needed? We'll never have to worry about not having something important to do. The men will be still be here tomorrow, come with me now."

Looking up at me with serious blue eyes and a blank face, she said. "All right, Sister."

On the way back, I got her distracted by talking about various things, following her wandering train of thought and keeping her going until she fell asleep in the seat. Unfortunately, there were some big problems on the track ahead of us, and it took six hours to make the trip instead of the usual time, so it was after Morning Prayer we found ourselves back at the Generalate. All was quiet as I put Sister Prudence in the Infirmary, safe and secure, and changed into my habit for the day.

Half hour after I got behind my desk and properly caffinated for the day. Sister Lucia came into my office. She's a medium sized woman in her mid 60's with large brown eyes, from an aristocratic Czech family. Her Italian was almost flawless with a faint trace of an accent, and she spoke six other languages fluently, including English. Her role in the community was Vice Superior: she traveled almost as much as La Rossa did, and it was rare they were both in Rome apart from General Council meetings. "Sister, do you have a few moments?" she asked in a soft voice that belied her wisdom and authority.

"Surely, Sister Lucia. How can I help you?"

"I was asked to take over for you last night, and I wanted to tell you how things went after you left."

My ears perked up immediately, but I tried to keep a straight face. "Yes, I appreciate your coming out to chaperone the girls. How did it go?"

"Well, it was an evening like none I've had for a long time. When I got to the Pyramid, the girls were finishing a bottle of Scotch that wasn't their first. Very silly, and barely able to stand up straight. They weren't able to communicate much to one another, but Betsy's picked up some Italian, Juli's picked up a bit of English, and I imagine the Scotch made up the difference."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes. When I came up to their table, Juli was pointing over to the door and saying 'Sex club' in English. Betsy took her hand, saying 'you gotta stay with me' as they wobbled to the door, convincing the attendant to let them in by revealing her breasts."

"Oh shit, no."

"Yes, Sister. I managed to slip in just behind them, thinking they would get lost or confused so I could lead them out of there without fuss. They found the door to a rather large booth open, and we all went in. A large video monitor dominated the room, and it was still running when we entered: I imagine the previous occupant had paid for more than they wanted to watch.

Shit, I said to myself again silently. At least they were in there without men. "And what happened next, Sister Lucia?"

"They watched these two people copulate in an acrobatic position, I believe the woman was standing on her head, which made the girls a little queasy. Then the Englishwoman noticed a hole in the wall and almost jumped for joy. 'I've heard of these' she squealed, and immediately exposed her left breast, which she stuck through the hole as far as she could."

"Oh shit to holy heavens, no."

"Yes. I swear, that is a child of her grandmother: I can't believe how big her breasts are, she couldn't get half of it through a fairly large hole. In a moment, she was happy to find someone paying her nipple some attention and just savored that for a while. 'You have to try this, Juli,' she said, but Sister Juliana shook her head no. Then Betsy, I believe, pulled her breast back and reached through the wall, pulling a large, erect penis back through it. 'I'm not going to get into trouble, Sister,' she smirked, and began to lick and suck the member."

"My goodness, no."

"Yes. I say she was quite good at it, because very shortly a huge load of sperm jetted out onto her breasts while a series of moans came from the next room. The cock disappeared, to be replaced by another, then another, all of them huge. Your English friend was ecstatic, drinking from yet another bottle of Scotch and sharing the liquor with Sister Juliana. Juli just watched in disbelief; I don't think she's ever seen anything like it before. I believe the English had eight or nine men ejaculate on her skin before she pronounced herself satisfied."

I shook my head sadly. "I believe you, Sister. She's done it before."

"I could tell. After she sat back, another penis appeared and she encouraged Juli to give it a try."

"Oh no."

"Please say something else, Franny. Juli started stroking the cock, getting fascinated with tracing every curve with her hand. Then Betsy said, 'Suck it like a lollipop, Juli. See how good it is.' 'I don't think I can,' Juli said, licking her lips. 'Take a slug of Scotch and just do it.' Sister Juli took a slug of Scotch, made a face, and sucked the end into her mouth. Betsy encouraged her: 'Run your tongue on the ridges, lick the underside. Take another slug if you need it, he'll like it, too.' Juli kept sucking and drinking until a voice on the other side said: 'I'm gonna cum'. 'Swallow it, Juli, swallow it,' Betsy encouraged and with a great moan it was clear he reached his orgasm. Juli made a big face while Betsy held her shoulders, and after he pulled out, Juli took a huge drink, smiled and said: 'That wasn't so bad', and passed out on the spot."

I dreaded something like this might happen. Sister Lucia probably hadn't told La Rossa this story yet, and I doubted the girls remembered what happened, so things hadn't leaked and this might be safely forgotten by all concerned. Knowing Aunt Mavis, they would have gotten gold stars. "So how did you get them home?"

"I had to wait until they woke up, and since Betsy passed out as well, that took a while. There was another penis in the hole, so it had to be dealt with."

"Dealt with?" I didn't like where this seemed to be heading.

Sister Lucia shook her head and smiled. "Do you young people think you invented everything? I was one of the few flower children behind the Iron Curtain. I performed fellatio more times than I can remember before I entered the convent, and took care of the occasional frisky prelate over the years. It's good to know I've still got it."