"Sir Peter, I'm so glad you could make it," Chancellor Prude, Peter's old school chum quipped. Welcoming Sir Peter into his expansive foyer, Prude continued, "I am extremely concerned about Penelope. She didn't return home from school on Thursday evening and no one has heard from her since."
Sir Peter was in town for his alma mater's big game on Saturday afternoon, the same school over which Chancellor Prude now administered. Although he was looking forward to attending a tailgating soirรฉe before the kickoff, Sir Peter never refused to help an old friend, especially when a mystery was at hand.
"I'm sure Penelope will turn up," Sir Peter answered. "Perhaps she is working on a school project or staying with a friend."
As Mrs. Prude ushered her husband and his old friend into the study, offering cups of hot tea, she responded, "No, no, Sir Peter, Penelope had a study session on Thursday evening with her theology class at the student center. After study hall, she was going to the House of Royals to bake cookies for the senior citizens."
Penelope Prude was the Prude's only daughter. They were overly protective parents and smothered Penelope, managing her daily life and planning her future in excruciating detail. After spending her formative years in an exclusive all-girls preparatory school, her parents had relented and agreed she would attend Trafalgar University, the coed school over which her father now presided. While the Prude's were fearful of the liberal culture prevalent at Trafalgar, they were confidant that in keeping Penelope close to home they would be able to exert complete control and prune out all the questionable influences.
Penelope had enrolled at Trafalgar in September and was now nearing the end of her first term as a freshman. Rather than live in student housing, her parents had insisted she live at home, in the stately Chancellor's manor overlooking the beautiful campus. Based on the recent holiday pictures the Prudes showed Sir Peter, he was pleased to see that Penelope had matured into a beautiful young woman.
In the pictures, her frumpish librarian glasses were the only reminder of her gawky younger years. Rail thin and nerdy as an early teen, her body had matured nicely since Sir Peter had last seen the young vixen. Still lean, her small firm breasts strained against her tightly fitted dress, her stiff nipples very prominent through the thin material of her top. In the mold of today's glamour models, her tall, trim body was sculpted from hours of exercise. The cut of her dress revealed legs a distance runner would be proud to own. Her long straight dirty blonde hair framed her beautiful face, highlighted by prominent cheekbones and thin, sharp lips; a vision straight from the pages of Vogue magazine.
"Penelope looks very happy and well adjusted in these photos," Sir Peter remarked, feeling a pleasant stirring in his groin as he perused the family photo album. Growing up, Penelope had often referred to Longfellow as Uncle Peter, although they were not related by blood. To himself, Longfellow sighed; at least his impure thoughts weren't incestuous.
"Undoubtedly," Chancellor Prude beamed. "She is doing well in school and is working tirelessly with the local charities. It is so unlike her to disappear like this. We are worried sick and hope you can help."
Sir Peter Longfellow was an accomplished amateur sleuth. A trust fund baby, Peter had nevertheless joined the Royal Air Force upon graduation from University and had enjoyed a successful career in military intelligence. Now in his mid-forties and retired from the military, he was a part-time private investigator, when he wasn't climbing mountains in the Himalayas or sailing his yacht across the South Seas.
Peter still possessed the body of a young soldier. Standing over six feet, his torso appeared sculpted from granite. He was an accomplished triathlete, having completed several Ironman competitions. Closely trimmed salt and pepper hair sat atop his chiseled face, his bright gray eyes dancing with intelligence and a hint of mischief.
"I would be glad to look into Penelope's whereabouts," Peter offered. "I trust she is fine. Probably just sewing her oats, ehh Charlie, like any adventurous college freshman?" Peter chided, elbowing Chancellor Prude in the gut.
"Penelope does not โsew oats', Sir Longfellow," Mrs. Prude barked. "I know you are an old friend of Charles, but I want to be clear. Penelope is a fine young woman, with the highest of moral character. She simply would not run off for several days and not inform her parents of her intentions. I am afraid this is much more serious than a young woman out for a good time."
"Easy now Margaret," Chancellor Prude admonished. "Sir Peter was only trying to be lighthearted. I'm sure he understands the gravity of the situation. Obviously as Chancellor of the University, I don't want to go to the police without some further evidence of Penelope's situation."
"Of course, of course," Sir Peter quipped. "My trusty friend Dr. Nadlicker and I are attending the big game this very afternoon. We will begin our enquiries immediately and report back to you on our progress. Now I must be off."
With that, Sir Peter took leave, only too glad to be out from under the scrutinizing eye of Mrs. Prude. As he walked to his car, Peter couldn't help but think poor Penelope was somehow rebelling against the tyrannical parenting of the Prudes. For her sake, he hoped she was just on a party binge, nothing different than most young students and certainly a faux paus to which Penelope was entitled after living under the Prude roof for 19 years.
As Peter approached the car, Dr. Nadlicker sat on the bumper smoking his ever-present pipe. "Well, Sir Peter, are we off to the game?"
"Shortly my good Nadlicker," Peter replied. "The Prudes appear to have misplaced their perfect little daughter and I promised to snoop around a bit." Handing Dr. Nadlicker a picture he had borrowed from the Prudes of Penelope in her field hockey uniform, he continued, "Keep your eyes open for Ms. Penelope, will you old man?"
With a whistle, Dr. Nadlicker smirked, "I'd like to open more than my eyes for this tasty little lass; perhaps my zipper, and then her mouth, and definitely her legs. Yes indeed, I'd like to open those legs nice and wide."
"Easy old boy," Sir Peter, laughed. "Charles Prude was a good friend during our college days. I think he is probably overreacting, but a promise is a promise. My bet, Penelope is shacked up somewhere with her boyfriend, trying to unlearn nineteen years of sexual repression and frustration heaped on her by that uptight bitch of a Mother."
"Not a big fan of the Chancellor's wife?" Nadlicker chided.
"Oh, give me a few hours alone with Margaret Prude and I could have her singing a very different tune. I'm afraid Chancellor Charles is incapable of unlocking her womanly secrets. As a result, she has retreated into a sexual never-never land, home to chastity, high moral fiber, and general constipation of the good life."
"And I suppose you have just the laxative to unleash her pent-up frustrations?" Nadlicker chuckled.
"I don't think she's in need of a laxative. What that cold fish needs is an enema. A Longfellow hot beef injection could paint a rosy complexion on her uptight little world. Hell, Margaret might actually be decent looking if she let down her hair, put on a little makeup and wore something other than those dreadful ankle length potato sacks. I only hope it's not too late for Penelope to break the evolutionary cycle."
"If Margaret looks anything like the young Penelope," Nadlicker offered, "I'd me more than happy to help you perform your little invasive procedure. As you know, my good fellow, my medical specialty tends more toward oral procedures."
"Enough," Longfellow bellowed, trying to repress a silly grin. "Although unlikely, Penelope could be in some real trouble. This talk of fucking her mother in the ass and in the mouth is not going to help. Besides, she's the wife of my good friend."
"Your right, old man," Nadlicker responded. "Let's concentrate on the young Penelope." Pausing briefly, Nadlicker added, " Do you think she will suck my cock?"
Unable to resist any longer, Sir Peter broke into hearty laughter, "You old pervert. Let's concentrate on finding her first and worry about your penis later. Agreed?"
"I'm behind you," Nadlicker quipped.
"In your dreams," Longfellow replied, punching his old friend good naturedly as he shifted the car into gear. "Penelope was studying Theology at the student center on Thursday night. Shall we start there?"
As Nadlicker continued to study the picture of Penelope, he remarked under his breath, "Theology, huh? I'd like to help her see God." The good doctor adjusted the noticeable lump growing in his tweed trousers as Longfellow steered the car in the direction of the student center.