Shane and Carmen: the Novelization

Chapter 24 Life and Death

Moira sat at the kitchen table pouring milk over her breakfast cereal when Shane and Carmen came into the room. It was a Saturday morning two weeks after Dana's party. Normally Shane and Carmen were up, showered, dressed and gone to work before Moira and Jenny stirred or took their turns in the bathroom. On Saturdays, though, Shane and Carmen slept in if they weren't on the road doing their Traveling Wilburys thing. When Carmen went to the bathroom she found there on the sink by the soap dish something she never expected to find.

"Hey, Moira," Shane said. "We've got something to ask you."

"Yeah," Carmen added, walking to the kitchen table and putting down a hypodermic needle. "What is this? What's going on with Jenny?" Carmen folded her arms, her face set hard. Her body language said angry. Shane's body language said concern. Moira's body language said don't give a shit.

"You guys, Jenny's fine." Moira gestured toward the needle. "It's mine. It's testosterone. I'm starting a program of it."

Carmen knit her eyebrows. "What kind of a program?"

"Unh. I've always felt really uncomfortable, in this body. So I've decided to transition. I'm changing myself, from female to male."

Shane and Carmen looked at each other with the same doubtful expressions. "Does Jenny know?" Shane asked.

"Yeah. She's helping me."

"How is she helping you?"

"She's been shooting me up with it."

Carmen was floored. "Wow. So you're really gonna go through the ... breast—"

"Top," Shane corrected.

"—top surgery?"

"Yeah, when I can afford it, I am. Ya know?" Moira stood up from the table to put her cereal bowl in the sink, then held up her palm for a high five. Carmen hesitated, then raised her own hand in the air to reciprocate. Moira whacked it cheerfully, smiling, and went down the hall to the bathroom.

Carmen looked in surprise at the palm of her hand where Moira had whacked it. "Strong," she muttered, flexing her fingers.

***

Late that afternoon Shane showered before getting dressed to attend the B-52s concert, while Carmen finished up some gardening work outside in the yard. When Shane went into her underwear drawer to get a clean pair of tighty-whities, she found a plain business envelope in the drawer sitting on top of Frankie. The envelope was unsealed. Shane opened it and took out a single sheet of paper that contained Carmen's handwriting, and read it. It said:

"I love you, you know that I do. You are the love of my life. And if you want to fuck me with a strap-on from time to time, that would be great. You know I'll do anything you want, any time you want, as much as you want. I like strap-ons, once in a while, as you already know. But I feel uncomfortable telling you what you can and can't do or should or shouldn't do with your own personal possessions. I know I don't have the right to do that. But I have to tell you this. Not the strap-on you fucked Cherie Jaffe with, the one she gave you. I saw you were packing it the morning you came home from her beach house. I understand it was a gift, and I understand it has a diamond on it. I understand that she gave it to you long before you and I ever met. But I don't want to ever see it or have anything to do with it, ever. I know I don't have the right to ask you to get rid of it ... but please get rid of it. Donate it to the Salvation Army, auction it off on eBay to charity, throw it in the recycle bin, burn it, I don't care. It's just important to me to know it isn't in the house anymore, and that you'll never use it again. Pry the diamond out of it and hock it or keep it, I don't care. If you feel that somehow you must keep the strap-on, then hide it where I'm never likely to find it, and then lie to me, tell me you got rid of it. Just this one time, I'm giving you permission to lie to me, if you feel that's what you must do. And then, if you want a new strap-on, go buy a new one, or if you want, I'll buy it for you, for a Christmas present or a birthday present, or we can go buy it together, whatever you want. I don't care if it will be just yours, or if it will be ours together. And yes, it would be lovely to have one handy every once in a while. Just not that one particular one, that's all I'm saying. I apologize for the fact that this is freaking me out, but it is.

"I love you."

***

Bette, Helena, Carmen and Shane sat at the bar of

The Planet

before the

B-52s

concert. Shane had just broken the news to them that Lara and Dana were splitsville, according to a phone conversation she'd had with Alice.

"Yeah, Alice said it got ugly," Shane told Bette.

"Can I get a Dewars on the rocks, when you get a chance?" Bette asked the bartender.

"Lara left Dana," Carmen added. "She said that she couldn't take the pressure anymore."

"Yeah, Dana kicked Lara out. And we shouldn't be talking about it in front of Dana, 'cause she's really upset about it."

"I'm sure Lara will come back," Helena said.

"Hey, Kit, hi!" Carmen said as Kit joined them.

"Drinks are on the house," Kit said, hugging Shane and Carmen. She looked over and saw Alice and Dana coming in the door, and went over to them. Alice looked cheerful enough, but that was just Alice. Dana looked sad, as well she might during chemo, and a little unsteady on her feet. Kit's heart went out to her. "Hey, guys!"

"How's it going?" Alice asked.

"It's going great," Kit said. "Come on, I'll block interference for you." She led them over to the others.

"Dana! Dana!" Shane grinned as she saw them coming through the crowd. "I'm so glad to see you! Come, sit down!"

Alice guided them as they gingerly put Dana into the seat. "Hey, guys. I'm the booby guard."

"Nice," Shane said.

"Hey, guys, did you see Moira's arms? They're like ... man arms, kinda. They're cute! But they're getting big." Alice made a bulging motion on her bicep.

"Practically a man, Al," Shane said.

"That's a little Harshy McHarsh, there, Shane," Alice said.

"No, I'm not being harsh, I swear to God, it's being honest."

"What are you being honest about?" Dana asked, but before anyone could answer Billie Blaikey came over and the conversation drifted away.

Later, in the middle of the

B-52s

concert, Alice leaned over to Shane and shouted in her ear to make herself heard: "Shane, what's your big problem with Moira?" Carmen could hear her as well.

"Well, Shane just doesn't trust what Moira's doing," Carmen interjected.

"Well, what's she doing? Besides living off Jenny."

"She's having a sex change, Al," Shane said. Alice's expression said she didn't understand.

"Yup," Carmen added. "Moira's becoming a man."

"Are you guys fucking kidding me?"

"Mm-mm," Shane said, taking a swig from her Dos Equis.

"For real?"

Carmen nodded.

"Does Jenny know?"

"She's helping her," Shane said.

"Dana!" Alice called, and then leaning over to talk to her. "Shane just told me that Moira's getting a sex change."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Dana asked.

"You know the article I wrote about gender reassignment surgery?" Alice began.

"Oh, my god, I loved that article," Carmen said. "It was all about, like, women who become men and they take hormones, testosterone, and like cut off all their hair and they cut their tits--" and then Carmen froze, realizing the horrible error she'd just made. Alice, Carmen and Shane all looked at Dana, whose face had frozen. Dana stood up. "I'm gonna go," she said.

Poor Carmen felt awful. She put her hand to her forehead. Dumb, dumb, dumb, big mouth dumb, she said to herself. "Dana, I'm so

sorry! Shit

!" But it was way too late. Alice went after Dana.

"Shane!" Carmen said, but Shane was already in her face.

"Why'd you say that?"

"It just came out! I didn't mean to! Fuck! God!"

***

Shane, bottomless as always, slept spooned in tight behind Carmen, with her arm over her. Carmen's warm, delicious and naked rump was pressed gently into Shane's groin. Carmen was deep into a REM cycle, dreaming one of those disturbingly real but surrealistic scenarios that she hated but couldn't escape from. She turned in her sleep from her side onto her back, roughly brushing away Shane's arm, then rolled onto her side again. Shane woke momentarily, but dropped back asleep, resuming her position with her arm over Carmen. Carmen suddenly flailed her arm back again, driving into Shane's arm so hard it hit Shane in the face.

"Ow!" Shane said, coming fully awake. She watched as Carmen mumbled something in her dream.

"It's not good," Carmen told whoever was in her dream. She was about to flail her arm again when Shane grabbed her wrist and stopped her. Instead, she got a kick in the shins.

"Carmen! Carmen! Carmen," Shane said, protecting herself from a beating. "Carmen?"

"Hmm?"

"You were having a bad dream."

"Mmm?"

"You're having a bad dream."

"I am?"

"Yeah. You kicked me."

Carmen slowly rolled onto her back. "Uh. I'm sorry," she said, rubbing one eye. She sat up on one elbow. "Oh, God, Shane. I had this dream that we were inside

Wax

, but it was like, it was

really

trippy, and there were all these painting that were like floating around. You were there and I was there, and there was this lady ... it was Cherie!" Carmen sat up, realizing who was in the dream. "It was Cherie Jaffe. You were giving a tattoo to Cherie Jaffe. Like the one that we have that's on the backs of our necks. Why did you do that?"

Shane sat up reluctantly and looked at Carmen. "Do what?"

"Give her a tattoo?"

"I didn't."

"That was something that was really sacred to us, that was just between us!"

"But I didn't, I—"

"Goddamit, Shane! That's so fucked up!" Carmen said angrily, getting out of bed and stomping out of the room.

Shane looked after the departing woman, trying to figure out which one of them had gone completely insane.

***

At

Wax

, Shane finished with a customer, dusted off her barber's chair, and turned to the waiting area where half a dozen women waited, reading magazines. "Okay, who's next?" she asked, just as Dana and Alice came in. A pretty blonde had stood up to go next, but Shane told her, "I'm sorry, these two are next." The blonde frowned, but sat down and resumed reading her magazine.

"Hi, Shane," Alice said brightly, but Dana didn't say anything. She was in disguise under a large, baggy shirt, and had a long white Isadora Duncan scarf around her neck. She wore sunglasses and a huge floppy hat; she could have been Greta Garbo incognito. The blonde who thought she was next looked peeved.

Shane closed the curtain between her station and the waiting area, and turned to Dana, who sat patiently in the chair. "Hey," Shane said, quietly, leaning down and peaking under the big hat into Dana's face. Shane gently removed the hat and handed it to Alice. "Give me these," she said, carefully taking Dana's sunglasses, folding them, and handing them, too, to Alice. She put the covering sheet around Dana's shoulders and clipped it in place in the back. Then she looked for a long moment into Dana's sad, sad eyes. "Are you ready?"

Dana hardly reacted, a mere flicker of her eyelids.

"Yeah," Shane said, quietly. She gave Dana a small smile of encouragement. After a moment, Dana smiled back wanly. Shane got her clippers and turned them on, the low humming sound filling the alcove. Ever so gently, she began to cut off all of Dana's hair, every last strand.

***

Kit was at the recording studio cutting her record with Nona Hendryx, the well-known singer/songwriter, musician and music producer who had been Kit's friend ever since Nona, Patti Labelle and Sarah Dash had their big hit,

Lady Marmalade

" in the mid-1970s. Helping out with the recording was Nona and Kit's friend Elizabeth Ziff, who went by the stage name ezgirl. Kit was starting to get irritated, because instead of getting much work done it seemed to be visiting day. First Tina arrived with baby Angelica, accompanied by Helena Peabody and her new friend Dylan Moreland, who everyone knew was in the process of becoming Helena's new lover. Dylan was a big fan of Nona's and had asked to be introduced. A few minutes later there was another arrival: Alice and Shane, who both had their hair done up on top of their heads in outrageous freaky, spikey flips that made them look like the bad guys in the Mad Max

Thunderdome

movie. The hair-dos were a deliberate joke, designed to misdirect attention away from someone else.

"Hey, ya got some new visitors," Alice said as she and Shane entered the studio. Everyone gawked at their hair.

"Hey, what is it with the crazy do?" Kit asked.

"It'll all be explained in a minute," Alice said.

"Yeah, it's extreme," Shane said, gesturing helplessly at her own hair. "It's the new thing this season."

"Yeah, so we wanna introduce you to someone."

"Yeah," Shane picked up, "so please welcome...the new...Dana Fairbanks!"

"Come on, Dana," Alice said, as she and Shane turned toward the doorway. There was a pause as everyone stared at the doorway, and then, finally, Dana strode into the room. She had the long white scarf around her neck ... but she was completely bald, shaved down to her bare skull. She wouldn't look up, though, and Alice and Shane put their arms around her protectively. Everyone in the studio began to applaud and shout out compliments and happy encouragement to Dana, who finally looked around, grinning.

"Look at you, Dana!" Kit exclaimed clapping. Everyone gathered closer, giving Dana hugs and compliments.

"That's amazing," Tina said, kissing Dana's check.

"Gorgeous!" Helena said, laughing.

"Dana, I've got someone I want you to meet," Kit said, taking Dana by the arm and walking her over to where they could look into the control room window, where ezgirl and Nona Hendryx sat watching the hairless hair show in the studio. Kit put her arm around Dana's shoulders and spoke to the control room window. "Ez, Nona, this is Dana Fairbanks, our best friend, who came by to show us her new chemotherapy coiffure!"

Everyone clapped and cheered.

Nona spoke into a microphone from the control room. "I'm very glad to meet you," she said. "You know what? I'm very down with that do!"

A few minutes later, with the whole gang watching from an observation room, Kit and members of the group

Betty

, ezgirl/Elizabeth Ziff, her sister Amy Ziff, Alyson Palmer and Tracy Bonham went back to work, with Nona Hendryx in the control room, where Mangus was doing the producing and sound engineering work.

***

Dana was exhausted, so Alice and Shane took her back to Alice's apartment, where Dana laid down on the living room sofa to get some rest. Shane and Alice sat cross-legged on the floor by her side, intently playing a video game.

"I think I got ya...DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!" Alice shouted at the screen, working her controller gun buttons as fast as she could. Shane did the same thing as up on the screen their avatars blasted the shit out of each other.

"Bastard," Shane grunted at the explosions and gunfire on the monitor.

"Fucker," Alice muttered. Behind her she felt Dana move a little on the couch. Without taking her attention from the screen she said, "Hey, Dane, you okay? You want to go home?"

"I want to stay and have fun and play games," Dana said sleepily, closing her eyes. She felt like she had no strength whatsoever, and her stomach, as always these days, was queasy.

"Go, get the motherfucker! GET THE MOTHERFUCKER!" Alice ordered her avatar.

"I got it got it gotta gotta," Shane said, concentrating mightily and firing like mad.

"Where's Carmen?" Alice asked, destroying a dude with a handful of rapid blasts.

"Uh," Shane sighed. "I'm in the shithouse."

"Why?"

"Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo."

"Oh, Yeah. I've had that happen," Alice said, sympathetically. The deadly fire on the screen slackened. "I had this girl who dreamed I fucked David Schwimmer."

Shane looked at Alice like she'd lost her mind.

"Well,

Friends

was on a lot," Alice explained. "God!" she muttered, firing at a bad guy and missing.

"Shit," Shane whispered, also firing and missing.

"Well, actually, when we were going out," Dana said from the couch to Alice, "I had a dream that you were a midget." Shane snickered and giggled, and Alice jabbed her in the ribs with an elbow. "But I wasn't mad at you or anything," Dana said.

"Dammit!" Shane yelped as her avatar was destroyed. She tossed down her controller, disgusted.

"Well, he keeps shooting her back," Alice explained about what had happened in the game.

Shane stared at the TV dejectedly. "I hate being in the shithouse," she said.

She and Alice decided to go back to the record studio and watch Kit cut her record, and let Dana get some sleep.

***

Carmen got to the record studio too late for Dana's appearance, but Kit and the

Betty

band members were still in the studio working. Carmen quietly slipped into the control room, where Shane had been hanging out in a back corner with Alice.

"Baby! What are you doing?" Shane tried to keep her voice down as she went over to Carmen.

Carmen held up a warning finger and the look on her face stopped Shane in her tracks. "No. I. Am. Not. Here. For you. I. Am. Here for Kit, and I'd like to meet Nona Hendryx, okay?" Carmen said with not a little attitude, the raised finger still between them like a barbed wire fence. At least it was the forefinger, not the middle one. The middle one was in Carmen's tone of voice. "You. Are not to talk to me. That's it."

"Guys?" Mangus turned from his seat at the control console next to Nona. "Guys, can you keep it down?"

Carmen lowered her voice to a harsh whisper, but was otherwise undeterred. "Not only did you give Cherie Jaffe a tattoo, but there was a scary looking bird that kept flying around, and at one point it was screaming your name, and I was like 'Shane! Shane, hello, Shane!'" -- Carmen waving her hands wildly -- "and you sprouted wings and you flew off with the bird. Okay? That. Is. Unacceptable. Nuh-unh! No!" And with that she brushed past Shane and went to the console to sit down next to Mangus.

Shane looked blankly at the wall. The noise was roaring in her head, and all the sounds said one thing: What the fuuuh...?

Mangus turned and nodded hello to Carmen.

"They sound so

good

," Carmen whispered to him, referring to Nona and Kit.

Shane wanted to bang her head against a wall. She wondered if maybe she'd simply lost her hearing. Or her mind. Or maybe taken some hallucinogenic drug that was producing these psycho pictures of deranged Carmen. Could she have had a bad mushroom for lunch? But no, she knew she was sober. She hadn't taken anything. It was simply a crazed reality biting her on the ass and chewing and swallowing whole pieces of butt. She went over to stand next to Alice, who had witnessed the whole episode.

"Latin women," Alice said. "

Caliente

."

Shane ignored her and stared straight ahead into space. The fucking bird. She would bet the bird was the one tattooed on their necks. If only she hadn't sprouted wings and flown away with the fucking bird. Flown away with Cherie Jaffe. She, Shane My-Ass-Is-Grass McCutheon, she was the one who had flown away with Cherie Jaffe.

Fucking bird.

***

Shane came home from work a few days later, and found Carmen sitting alone out on the back porch steps. They were going in a little while to the airport with Helena Peabody to take Dana to the San Jose Lightnings-Houston Mustangs basketball game, the surprise they'd all been planning. Shane went and sat down next to her. "Hey," she said, softly. They both sat with their arms folded on their knees.

"Did you...have any more of those dreams last night?" Shane asked. Carmen looked down and then away, slowly shaking her head no. There was a long pause.