Shane and Carmen: the Novelization

Chapter 4 Walk Like a Man

"Hey, Shane, come on in and sit down," Carol Beringer said, looking up from a thick file on her desk. She moved the half-lens reading glasses that had been perched low on her nose to the top of her gray head. "Guess what's come back?"

"My test scores," Shane said, closing the door and moving to slouch in the chair in front of Carol's desk. As always, Shane was the last patient of the day.

Carol got up and went to a small refrigerator built into her credenza. "Want some water or juice or a soda?"

"Water'd be good," Shane said. Carol got two bottles and gave one to Shane.

"Thanks," Shane said. "So, exactly how psycho am I?"

"Well, if that's the question, then I've got some bad news. You're not very psycho at all. Hardly any. In fact, all things considered, except for the perfectly understandable PTSD from the rape, and your childhood abandonment and commitment issues, which I don't want to minimize, you're otherwise in pretty good shape. And my theory about you seems to be correct. I think I know what

you

think is wrong with you, and I think I have an explanation for it."

Shane grunted and took a drink from her bottle of water.

"Shane, let me ask you this. How smart do you think you are?"

"Not very."

"In fact, I'll bet you think you aren't smart at all. Part of it, of course, is your school record, that you dropped out so early, in tenth grade, that your attendance was horrible even before that, and your grades weren't very good most of the time, going all the way back. Behavior problems. Teachers gave up on you, you had no support from your home life, because you had essentially no reasonable home life to begin with. You moved around quite a bit, foster home to foster home, so no continuity. You were always the new kid, plus you were always the poor kid, the raggedy kid, the sullen, quiet, uncommunicative kid everywhere you went. And then at some point, you also became the gay kid, the lesbian. Even if other people weren't aware of your orientation, you were. The outsider, the strange one, the one that's a little different. Right?"

It was a rhetorical question and Shane didn't bother responding. Carol didn't bother to wait for an answer they both already knew.

"As far as the education thing goes, that is simply what the old Westerns called 'book-learning,' which I'm sure you understand is not to be confused with 'smart.' So, yes, you are weak in education, all the accumulated stuff, a lot of it crap, that the average high school throws at you. Plus there's that noise in your head. Somebody asks you a question, you're slow to respond. You aren't very verbal, and it takes you a long time to process things, so you are slow to answer. You only just turned twenty years old, and for the past three-quarters of your life every message, every experience has taught you one single lesson about yourself: that you're stupid. You're slow. Maybe more politely, you just aren't all that bright. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not the brightest light bulb in the chandelier."

Shane felt awful, and just looked down at her hands.

"Shane, look at me," Carol said. Shane looked up slowly.

"Shane, all that I just said, you know what? None of it is true. It's bullshit, Shane. All of it, every single bit. Because you know what all these tests show? They show you're actually a pretty bright kid. Exceptionally bright, even. Know what your I.Q. is? The test says it's about 131. You know what my I.Q. is? I'm about 128. Shane, you're three points smarter than me, okay? Now, neither one of us is a genius and neither one of us is likely to get invited to join MENSA, but we're both pretty intelligent people. But all your life you've been taught to think you're a dummy, Shane, but you really aren't. And quite frankly, I have no idea how the hell I'm going to convince you otherwise, and get your head turned around and your self-esteem where it ought to be, but right now that's number one on my things-to-do list with you. You're not below average in any way, shape or form; in fact, you're above average in just about everything."

Carol looked up. "You look a little bit stunned, Shane. But I suppose that's normal. Just hang in with me, kid; there's more."

"You might remember that one of the tests you took was something called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Basically, it tries to measure what kind of personality you have, and puts it into one of sixteen general categories. It's based on the work of one of the early pioneers in the field of psychology, a man named Carl Jung, who worked the same time Freud did, and they knew each other. You've heard of Freud, right? Jung wrote a book on personality types in 1920, and that was pretty much the foundation of this branch of psychology. Jung said there are two kinds of psychological functions, perceiving functions, and judging functions. The two perceiving functions, the information-gathering functions, are sensing, which doesn't mean that you sense something is wrong, or you sense what mood someone is in. It just refers to actual sensory processes, like seeing, smelling, touch, taste, hearing, that kind of thing, the five senses, the data, the facts. The other one is intuition, those flashes of insight, the hunches that people get, usually without knowing where they come from. Your intuition function, as it happens, is incredibly high."

"Now, the two judging functions are thinking and feeling. Thinking tends to be based on data, on observable facts, on information, tangible, concrete things, logic, reasoning. Feeling, on the other hand, has to do with emotions, with empathy for other people, thinking about how others must feel, sometimes about harmony and balance, and what other people might be needing. No surprise, at least, not to me, is you're really good at this, too. So I'm going to boil all this down real quickly. You have what the Myers-Briggs test calls an INFP personality type, which only about four percent of the population have."

Carol scanned the report in front of her, her glasses perched low on her nose. "See if any of this describes anybody you know. Uh, let's see. Tends to avoid the limelight. Postpones decision-making. Uh, this could be interpreted as you can't make up your mind, or you can't think, but see, that would be the wrong conclusion. What it means it you just don't want to decide yet because you're still taking in information and perceptions, see? But other people might not know that, they just can't figure out why you don't have an opinion yet. When you go into a restaurant, I bet you're always the last one to decide what you want to eat, right?"

Shane grinned and nodded.

"Other people, they open the menu, scan a few items, make up their minds. Half of them probably knew what they were gonna have when they walked in the door. You, you want to read the entire menu first. Then you want to look around, see what other people are eating, see what looks good. You want to know what the waiter or waitress recommends. What's the special of the day? You have to think about what you might want and compare that to what the menu choices are. There's just sooooo much data to process, so many decisions to weigh carefully. So it takes you ten minutes to decide you want the cheeseburger platter, and everyone thinks you're so slow you should ride the special bus to school, right? But that's just wrong. You're not slow, you're just an exceptionally more thorough analyzer and processor than almost everybody else, that's all. Got it? Okay, what else do we have here.

"Tendency toward a reserved posture. This doesn't mean you sit up straight, 'cause God knows you don't, but that's an age thing. It means you don't easily commit yourself to expressing a feeling. You still have the feeling, you just don't broadcast it to the whole world. You hold back. Uh, let's see...they are rarely found in executive decision-making jobs. That means you won't ever likely be in charge of General Motors, but that's okay, because these INFP types are also really good behind-the-scenes kind of people. Support people. Um. It says they often champion things like civil rights causes and the environment and that kind of thing."

"Gay rights," Shane said.

"Yes, exactly. That would be a good example. Um. Here. 'When they are not placed under stress, INFP types generally have a pleasant personality and demeanor, and are warm and sympathetic.' That's you, huh? And then it says when this person is under stress, he or she can become somewhat rigid and directive, and may think erratically. Kinda means you have a tendency to make bad decisions once in a while, when you're in a stressful situation. Here's another point ... I'm skimming here ... INFPs have a rich internal set of values and champion many civil rights issues."

"I'll just read this. INFPs 'live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted feelings. Being inward-turning, their natural attraction is away from the world and toward essence and ideal. This introversion of dominant feeling, receiving its data from extroverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of these usually gentle beings. Feeling is caught in the approach-avoidance bind between concern both for people and animals, and a psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same.' Okay, that's a mouthful. Need me to explain any of it?"

"I don't know what kwee-otic means."

"It comes from the character of Don Quixote. Did you ever hear of the musical

Man of La Mancha

? Well, that was his name, Quixote. The word quixotic means rash and romantic, rushing off to fight windmills, kind of bold, chivalrous actions, where the hero does something big and brave to save the heroine but sacrificing and destroying himself in the process. The big, grand gesture, saving somebody by jumping in front of the train and pushing them out of the way, but dying nobly in their place."

Carol could see Shane wasn't getting it. "Okay, never mind. It's not a big deal." She turned to another page of her notes and read for a moment. "Here's what the INFP initials mean. I is for introversion, which means you tend to be quiet and reserved. INFPs tend to prefer a circle of a few close friends, rather than a big, wide circle of casual, shallow acquaintances. You might only have a small circle of six or eight friends, but you will most likely be friends with them your entire life, and you will be very close to them, and them to you. Okay. The N stands for intuition, they had to use the N because the I was already take for introversion. You tend to prefer your hunches and your flashes of insight, the vibes you pick up, rather than any particular sensory thing. I'll bet your 'gaydar' is absolutely off the charts." She looked up to see Shane smiling to herself. "F is for feeling, in preference to thinking. In other words you give more weight to personal things rather than logic. You know your friend Clive? You like Clive because he's your friend, you don't care that he's a street hustler, or gay, or a drug user or whatever else somebody else might think of him. And because he's your friend you'll stand by him, right or wrong, come what may. Because that's just who you are, Shane, and frankly, it's a damn nice thing to be. Everyone in the world could use a Shane in their corner. Understand?"

Shane nodded.

"Personally, I think that's one of your best qualities, by the way," Carol said. "If somebody does something bad and starts losing their friends, you're going to be the very last one to let them go. Back to this stuff. P, that's perception, rather than judgment. INFPs aren't very judgmental, that's what I was just saying about Clive, you don't judge him, you just accept him the way he is. What else does it say...intensely loyal, and has deeply held ethics and values. Curious about the world around them, accepting and flexible except when their values are threatened. Well, that sure sounds like you, doesn't it? Ah, de da de da...can be difficult people to get to know. They take delight in unusual and odd things...they like conversation and talking, in your case, listening to others talking is probably the same thing. Do you enjoy just hanging out and listening to other people?"

Shane nodded.

" ... when in a sociable mood they can be charming and humorous, even playful; they are usually very pleasant to be around. Ah ... blah blah, oh, here ... they watch out for the emotional well-being of others, are good at consoling people in distress. Um ... they like harmony ... they can often sway the opinion of others by being tactful, and diplomatic, and because they can see both sides of an issue...well, this is you: INFPs often require large amounts of personal time alone to think and process thoughts and feelings. Not especially organized, but very meticulous about those things they value...ah, and a list of your fellow INFPs: Donna Reed, Mister Rogers, Neil Diamond, Princess Diana, and William Shakespeare."

"That's me all right," Shane grinned. "William Fucking Shakespeare."

Carol laughed. "Hey, you could do much, much worse. Just watch out for the Dark Lady."

"Who?"

"Oh. The Dark Lady, that was supposed to be Shakespeare's great love. People aren't sure who she was. He wrote a lot of the love sonnets to her. 'My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;

Coral is far more red than her lips' red: If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;

If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.'"

"Black wires? And what does it mean, her breasts are done?"

"Dun, d-u-n, it means tan or a light brown. Maybe olive-skinned. Maybe she had a Mediterranean complexion."

"Did he marry her?"

"No. He already had a wife. It was all pretty complicated."

"I guess so," Shane said. "But okay, you told me all the things that are right about me. So tell me what is

wrong.

"

"I've got a colleague up in San Francisco, Elaine Aron, who recently published a couple of papers and a book on what she calls the 'highly sensitive person,' the HSP. She says that maybe twenty percent of the population may fall into this category, so it's pretty common. There's other names for it, like 'hyperacuity,' 'hypervigilance'" -- she looked down at her paper -- "one called 'chronic cortical/cortisol arousal,' and somebody else calls it 'innate shyness.' Basically, the theory is these people appear to be shy, inhibited and somewhat introverted because they are in fact being bombarded by all sorts of input. In a nutshell, they sense and feel too much, a lot more than the rest of us do." Carol looked at her papers. "Let me read this: 'HSPs can be great employees—good with details, thoughtful and loyal, but they do tend to work best when conditions are quiet and calm. Because HSPs perform less well when being watched, they may be overlooked for a promotion.' When you're doing somebody's hair in your hairdressing class, does it bother you when one of the instructors is watching?"

"A little."

"You'd rather they go away, let you do your thing with the styling, and then they can come back and see it when you're done."

Shane smiled. "Yeah."

"What else does it say... 'HSPs are naturally cautious and reflective before committing. They also have good reason to fear being rejected for being "too sensitive" or overwhelmed by another's needs. Sensation seekers also fear commitment, for quite different reasons--the loss of variety, the fear of boredom.'"

"Here, let me read you this: 'You are more aware than others of subtleties. This is mainly because your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. So even if you wear glasses, for example, you see more than others by noticing more.

"'You are also more easily overwhelmed. If you notice everything, you are naturally going to be overstimulated when things are too intense, complex, chaotic, or novel for a long time. This trait is not a new discovery, but it has been misunderstood. Because HSPs prefer to look before entering new situations, they are often called "shy." But shyness is learned, not innate. In fact, thirty percent of HSPs are extroverts, although the trait is often mislabeled as introversion. It has also been called uninhibitedness, fearfulness, or neuroticism. Some HSPs behave in these ways, but it is not innate to do so and not the basic trait.

"'Sensitivity is valued differently in different cultures. In cultures where it is not valued, HSPs tend to have low self-esteem. They are told "don't be so sensitive" so that they feel abnormal. ...Emotionally drained or exhausted when a friend becomes troubled ....Inability to express to my satisfaction to another person how I'm feeling. ...Wondering how other people could quote take everything in stride, unquote. ...Introspective.... Deeply reflective. ...Feelings that something is about to happen though no indicators. ... Feeling another person's energy....Very sensitive to electricity, energy, vibrations....Acute hearing.... Absorbing others moods, feelings, energy. ...Trouble with relating myself to others....Intensely troubled and sensitive to others suffering....Used alcohol or other inappropriate means to deaden the feelings....Spiritually wrestling almost since a small child....Feeling very different and wondering always what was the secret I was missing....HSP's have difficulty making a relationship to their healthy creative selves; they have often learned to pathologize their gifts of intuition and introspection, depth and empathy. Separated from self, it should be no surprise that they also often become alienated from their partners, but when they are in sync with themselves, they can be warm, compassionate, spontaneous and profoundly present in love relationships.'"

Carol looked at Shane. "Did you catch that part about alcohol and, what did she call it? Other inappropriate means, that means drugs, usually, although it could also mean rampant promiscuity, among other things, being used to deaden feelings? That sound familiar in any way? We talked only a little bit about your abusing alcohol and drugs, and only a little about your sex life before the rape. But I suspect we'll get around to it, sooner or later. You know?"

Shane just nodded and looked glum.

"Honey, I'm not here to beat you up, okay? I'm here to help. I'm on your side. I know it isn't easy, but trust me, we'll get through this. You okay? You need a break?"

Shane shook her head no.

Carol nodded. "Back to HSPs, then. At any given time, the average person is receiving and processing the usual kinds of stuff, right? Sights and sounds, people talking, things going on around them, their own ideas, their own feelings, good or bad, whatever. HSPs take in all this stuff, they just get a lot more of it. In your case, you are incredibly intuitive and empathetic. So in addition to picking up on what a person is saying and doing, you also pick up a lot of vibes. You sense their emotions and feelings. You can almost tell what they are thinking. You are constantly analyzing all this incoming data, this huge stream of facts and ideas and feelings, and it is simply just a ton of work your brain is doing. It's because your nervous system is more sensitive to all these inputs that you are swamped with information-processing. And because you are taking in so much more information, it accounts for your intuition and your creativity – you have so much more to work with than other people, all these bits and pieces and tidbits other people don't pick up on. Body language. Mood. Facial expressions that are so subtle most people can't see them. What you and other people simply call 'vibes.' You pick up the vibes."

"Here's an example. There's a knock on the door and a young woman enters. I immediately say, 'Hi, Mary, how are you?' And you sit there and go, uh, uh, uh, uh, hey. And people think you're slow. But what's really happening is that while I simply see Mary and note a few things about her, your mind is vacuuming in vast amounts of data about Mary: what clothes she's wearing, what shade of blue is that sweater? Where'd she get those earrings? Is she straight or gay? Or is she unsure or transitioning? What mood is she in? Why are her eyebrows furrowed? Is she frowning or worried, or does she always look that way? She's standing like she's shy and nervous; is something wrong? She's got a lot of freckles on her cheeks; I wonder how she feels about them. What's her relationship to Carol, how does she relate to Carol and how does Carol relate to her? What does she think of me when she sees me? I wonder if she's in a relationship with anybody. I wonder what she looks like naked. I wonder what it would be like to have sex with her. I wonder what her perfume is; I think I can smell it but I'm not sure. White Shoulders, maybe. She has a round face; that hairstyle doesn't suit her, she needs to cut it differently and maybe try parting it. Why is she holding her hands in front of her and twisting them? Nice legs; looks likes she tans a lot. She doesn't use nail polish, and she bites her nails. She's upset about something, but doesn't want to talk about it; she wants somebody to draw it out of her."