DISCLAIMER:
The stories in the "Celebrity" section of Literotica are all fictional parodies - none are true, nor are they approved of by the celebrities named in the stories. Authors write these fictitious stories about famous people for the same reason that Larry Flynt made fun of Jerry Falwell, because they can. The Supreme Court of the United States, the country where this site is located, has ruled that parodies involving famous people are perfectly and totally legal under the United States Constitution. The specific case law on this was decided in the case of
Hustler Magazine, Inc., et al. v. Jerry Falwell
in 1988. No harm is intended toward the celebrities featured in these stories, but they are public figures and in being so, they must accept that they are fair target for parodies by the public. We believe in the first amendment, and more broadly, in the basic principle of free speech and this section may push the boundaries of that principle, but the United States Supreme Court has approved of this type of material. We believe that the Supreme Court was correct in its decision.
Shane and Carmen: The Novelization
tells the second- and third-season story line about the Showtime Network's television show
The L Word
and two of its now-famous characters, Shane McCutcheon and Carmen de la Pica Morales. It can only be fair to credit the people who created those characters and wrote the episodes from those two years. They are creator, writer, and guiding spirit Ilene Chaiken, her co-creators Michele Abbott and Kathy Greenberg, and writers Lara Spotts, Rose Troche, Guinevere Turner, A.M. Homes, David Stenn, Elizabeth Hunter, Cherian Dabis, Adam Rapp, and EZgirl (Elizabeth Ziff), as anyone browsing
The L Word
fan site and the numerous
L Word
entries in Wikipedia well knows.
I am also grateful to the Web site called "The L Word fan site," which took pains to announce that it was not an official or authorized
L Word
site. It was apparently run by two people named Jacky and Ruva, there was someone named Steph involved, and I would be happy to credit them further, but I am unable to glean any other information from their site, which in any event appears to have died six years ago (as I write this).
That said -- and in keeping with the terms of the language and concepts in the Falwell disclaimer above -- their work has been amplified and expanded well beyond what a mere transcript of those 25 episodes would indicate; it is "highly transformative," as the lawyers like to say. A large number of additional scenes have been included, conclusions of scenes cut short or "faded to black" have been brought to further conclusion. Scenes needing preamble or backstory have been created, gaps and lacunae have been filled in, and so on. Accordingly, however, this novelization excludes any and all story lines involving other characters and their travails and relationships except as Shane and Carmen might have been aware of them or participated in them. The story is told principally through the eyes of Shane and Carmen, and to a slightly lesser extent through Jenny Schecter, who figures so prominently between them. Only one major scene (between Shane and Veronica Bloom) has been omitted, because it had nothing to do with the main plot and didn't significantly advance Shane's characterization. A couple of very short and very minor scenes have also been deleted for the same reason; one had virtually no dialogue in it. The dialogue here also differs from the original teleplays because I have eliminated a fair amount of stuttering, "uh" and "er" remarks, repetitions, and numerous pauses that don't translate well on paper or pixels. A few lines have been condensed or otherwise cleaned up.
Prospective readers might be interested to know that new chapters explain how and more interestingly why Shane and Carmen got their two very important and significant tattoos, as well as the story of how Shane came to be transformed from an almost-feral, homeless, unemployable, penniless, semi-literate, drug-abusing prostitute catering to men (yes, men, albeit homosexual men) with a very short life expectancy into a cleaned-up, fixed-up, talented graduate of a hairdressing school capable of not only supporting herself but of becoming socially adept, of sitting down and comfortably sharing a latte or a chardonnay with the likes of a Bette Porter and Tina Kennard. How did Carmen become a DJ? How did Shane get the money to buy into her share of
Wax
? Did Carmen really cheat on Shane with a girl named Robin, or did Carmen make that story up just to get revenge on Shane? What happened to Jenny immediately after she cut her legs and visited Tina, Bette and new baby Angelica in the hospital? What happened to Shane and Carmen during the six months between the end of Season Two and the start of Season Three? What happened with (and to) Carmen's first lover, Lucia Torres? What happened on Carmen's "silent date" with Jenny? Most important of all, what "really" happened on the day of the wedding that caused Shane to abandon Carmen at the altar? (For those who watched the ending and think you know what happened, you don't. You really don't.) What happened to Carmen afterward?
Finally, everyone who watched
The L Word
knows Shane and Carmen had close to a dozen sex scenes or scenes of a sexual nature (such as Jenny's striptease, and the nights Shane spent with Phoebe Sparkle) over those 25 episodes, plus flashback scenes of Shane from Season One. Some lasted on screen for only a few seconds (Jenny and Carmen's water sports scene on the toilet: 25 seconds showing nothing but feet walking across the bathroom floor, followed by only 20 seconds of action), while some lasted several minutes. A few were only alluded to or hinted at (Carmen's prom night and her possibly non-existent affair with Robin; Shane's encounter with naked, plexiglass-doodling performance artist Jimmi). As this is also a work of erotica, all of those scenes have not only been included but are amplified and extended to include their beginnings or endings. Further additional scenes of a sexual nature have been added to explain Shane and Carmen's backgrounds and explore their sexual histories, natures, skills and proclivities. And a few have been added just for fun.
Oh, and of course many of the gratuitous product placements from the original show have been included. So go ahead, pop a Dos Equis and enjoy.
Chapter 1 The Girl With the Incredible Ass
As usual, Shane McCutcheon was not only on time but a few minutes early. She signed the guest register book at 9:51 a.m. and the guard at the studio gate told her where to park her Toyota pickup, then to walk down past Studio 5 and then turn left into the next building, where they shot the cable TV interview show. When Shane got there the woman in charge explained that the regular hairdresser had called in sick, but knew Shane and recommended her as a short-notice replacement hairdresser.
"Who am I working on?" Shane asked.
"Arianna Huffington," the woman said. "She's pushing her new book."
Shane nodded, covering the fact she had only the vaguest notion who Arianna Huffington was. Shane did a lot of things, but she didn't do politics and current events. "Sure," Shane said. "Arianna. Cool."
The woman led Shane through a maze of studio hallways to a hair-dressing and makeup room somewhere down a few corridors. "You need anything, holler. And remember, Arianna gets star treatment. Anything she wants, 'kay?"
"Sure, got it," Shane said. She went into the room and laid her bag on the Formica counter in front of the room-wide mirror. No Arianna, but that was expected when dealing with celebrities. Shane went into the bathroom to take care of a little business, and when she came out a minute later Arianna was sitting in the chair glancing through a magazine. A makeup woman was dabbing at Arianna's cheeks, then left the room.
"Hey," Shane said.
"Hey," Arianna said, looking up and putting the magazine down.
"I'm Shane," Shane said, extending her hand.
"Hi, Shane, I'm Arianna," Arianna said, shaking Shane's hand. "I like what you're wearing."
Shane looked down at herself, mystified. She was wearing what she always wore, had been wearing for over a decade: The Shane Look, waif-like, androgynous and half a step from Grunge. She wore granny glasses, which she needed when she was working up close and sometimes for reading. A white necklace. Man's white dress shirt, clean but unpressed, with the collar sticking straight up. Frayed, faded low-rider jeans (where there any other kind?) ... and of course a man's black tuxedo jacket.
"Uh ... thank you," Shane said.
"Who do you dress for?"
Shane laughed, unpacking her gear and laying out the combs, brushes, picks and scissors on the counter. "Uh, um ... myself. And the girlies, sometimes, but mostly me."
"So, you're gay?"
Shane looked into the mirror and into Arianna Huffington's eyes. Am I gay? Shane thought with a laugh. Well, from birth to about age eight I pretty much didn't give a shit one way or the other. So yeah, I'm gay, but only for the past twenty years. "Totally," Shane said, "yes."
"You know, I was at a dinner the other night," Arianna said, "and someone said that dykes are the new fags. What do you think about that?"
Shane pretended to give the question serious thought, then said, "I think people like to categorize things too much."
Arianna nodded and smiled as Shane came up behind her and started working on her hair.
