Name's Rod. Mr. Cocker to you. I was born in London. Schooled there, and all. Moved Stateside when I was becoming a man, and the bad habits really started then. You see, the accent was enough for some women to feel I was exotic and, though I didn't know it at first, it turns out that I'm quite a gifted lover, and not just in terms of size.
Anyway, I'll keep that story for another time, shall I? No, this story is more recent. It's the tale of a piece of tail who didn't know what she liked until she lost it. Or until she found a new way to play with an old toy. Or something, it's a story about me, a cheeky tart and a lad who's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Most of all, it's a tale about families, and how they are made.
I was in the bar, as was so often the case when I saw her. Babs, one of my ex-girlfriends. She was sitting with a couple of blokes and the girl I had been caught screwing in her bathroom. Safe to say we hadn't seen eye to eye after that. I ended up screwing her friend in the back of her car. I hadn't left my number.
Well, Babs' blue eyes were looking furtively in my direction, and I saw her adjust her posture to accentuate her great tits. Still fit, I thought, with that blonde Scandinavian look, except maybe the height.
What was she playing at? Maybe she wanted me to see what I was missing, I don't know. Her 'friend' hadn't noticed me, yet, or maybe she didn't recognise me. We had a one-night thing after all, and I couldn't even remember her name.
I could remember her tits, though. They were big and round and dominated by dark red nipples that stood out like football studs. Babs tits were just as big, but not as perky, and her nipples were smaller and pinker.
I was so busy reminiscing that I almost didn't see her striding towards me, an evil look on her face.
"You fucking asshole!" She screamed. I felt the sting before I realised that she had slapped me. John, at the bar, laughed out loud as Babs walked on.
"Been a while since I saw one of those, Roddy," he continued laughing. "You must have done something nasty to her."
"Nothing worse than I did to your mother," I snapped. He laughed harder.
"Oh, did she slap a nerve, Rod?" I took a drink and looked over at home. My face must have been pretty red because he winced.
"Fuck off, John," I said, still hurting and shocked. "You're taking the piss. I'm the one who just got my jaw taken off."
"Don't give me that, Rod," John said in a bad imitation of his accent. "It takes two to Tango."
I rolled my eyes. Even my good mates took the Mickey sometimes. Bog standard, it was. Wouldn't be so bad if they sounded half-decent.
"I probably deserve it," I admitted. "About a year ago, we were seeing each other when she caught me fucking in her bathroom."
John sucked in through his teeth. I nodded and shot a look over to the table she had come from.
"Looks like she's still on speaking terms with the other girl, mind you."
John laughed again. Belly laughing was a speciality of his.
"Another?" He asked. I nodded.
It was about twenty minutes later when I saw the four of them leaving. I reached down to the bar, where I had left my phone. It was gone.
I panicked. That phone was a couple of years old, sure, but it wasn't a cheap one. I checked and rechecked my pockets, looked on the floor, moved chairs, and even leaned over the bar to see if it had fallen on the other side.
"Lost something, Roddy?" John asked, coming back from cleaning the table Babs and her friends were at.
"Yeah, my-"
"Cellphone," he said, handing it to me with a piece of paper. "It was on the seat with a note."
My jaw must have dropped because John laughed so hard I thought he might bust a blood vessel.
The note read "You really ought to change your unlock code, Babs, x"
"Sneaky bitch," I laughed. The kiss was a special touch. Then I went into fresh palpitations when I thought about what she might have done.
I unlocked my phone almost as quickly as I ever had, and right there on the screen was a picture of her bushy blonde pussy. I laughed as hard as John had and showed him the picture.
"You lucky sonofabitch," he laughed. "She's crazy, and she's crazy for you!"
"Maybe I should have followed her to the bathroom," I muttered.
"Not in my bathroom, you don't," he protested, not laughing.
I laughed. I fucked in that bathroom every other month.
I checked my open apps, and sure enough, WhatsApp was open. There was a message from my phone to hers, which I hadn't sent. The fucking phone thief must have been the culprit, Sherlock. It just said, "Call me."
What the fuck was this bitch up to.
A message came through from her side as I considered my next move.
"No, I fucking will not call you, asshole!"
I could read the message in her voice. The same angry voice she had used less than an hour ago while she snatched my phone.
Another message came through.
"You must be crazy, following me and my boyfriend when we're out for drinks. I swear, if I see you at the club, Imma have a hard time keeping my hands to myself, again."
I knew what that meant. It meant that I was going to the club.
It had been a few years since I had worked the door at the club, but I still had enough connections to get in the back way. I also knew that the staff would turn a blind eye to whatever I was up to. Unless I was selling. Selling was a no-no. That action was all tied up.
It was a busy nightclub. Lots of girls in short skirts and low tops shaking what their mums gave them. If I wasn't looking for someone in particular, I would have had my pick.
But I couldn't see her. At first, I thought she had sent me on a wild goose chase. Following my dick into the club to look like the arsehole she thinks I am. But then I saw her friends. Two of them were exchanging saliva, and the third, poor bloke, was standing around like a spare prick at a whore's wedding. I still couldn't see Babs, though.
I almost hit the roof when I felt arms around my waist
"I told you I wouldn't be able to keep my hands to myself," she said, groping my cock while I watched her hapless date scan the room for her.
"Men's room," she ordered, "now."
I'm not one to turn down an invitation like that, so I followed her to the men's room. I slipped the attendant a little something, and he slipped me something back. A French letter. Then he turned the other way while Babs pulled me into a cubicle and locked the door.
"What's going on, Babs?' I asked.
"Don't be fucking shy, Rod," she said, pulling my pants down. "We both know you like fucking in toilets." She had my dick in her hands, looking up at me. I just let her look. The fact was that I didn't have a Scooby Doo where this was going.
"I'm not sucking it, shithead," she informed me. Her eyes were pleading, but her mouth was still spitting insults. I shrugged and handed her the condom. She immediately threw it at me.
"Fuck you, Rod," she spat. "If it wasn't for this dick, I wouldn't fucking know how inadequate Teddy is."
"Teddy's your date?" I asked, innocently.
