"Even stupider," I sighed. "This is a two cup story, so you might want to use the little doctor's room while I get us a snack and make a fresh pot."
Annie came back and I sat a plate of cheese, grapes, and the tin of shortbread I'd dragged home from Harrods between us on the couch. I then proceeded to school her on the five easy steps to make sure you lose a guy in less than ten days.
Step 1 – When he asked you a question about something, give him the answer you think he wants to hear, not the one in your heart. Are you okay should always be answered yes of course I am. Of course not is the only answer to should I take time off to go to your parents memorials with you. The most important part of this step is to get mad when he responds to the answers you give him, not on the ones you don't.
Step 2 – Ignore all of the lovely, unspoken gestures he makes. Fail to comment on the breathtaking arrangement that arrives at your beach place, each flower chosen to convey a specific meaning; purple hyacinths for sorrow, jonquils for sympathy, peonies for compassion, and snow drops for hope and consolation. Don't mention the fact he makes sure you remember to eat and sleep. Forget the fact he arranges for a cleaning service to come in and clean your house in Alexandria and the beach so it's one less thing for you to worry about. So he packs your carry-on for the trip to London with your favorite chocolates and Cheetos, a few novels you've been dying to read, trashy mindless magazines, a small bottle of lavender hand lotion, and a new cashmere throw so you don't get could on the trip. Not a big deal, doesn't necessarily show he cares.
Step 3 – Pick a fight with your beloved about some nominal thing that has absolutely nothing to do with the real reason you are angry and the real person you're angry with. Yell because he leaves his clothes in the middle of the bathroom floor and you are so damn sick and tired of cleaning up after him. Tell him you have too many other things to do besides pick up after him. Discount the look of pain on his face as you tell him to just go to his own house for the night, you don't need him underfoot. Slam the bedroom door after he walks out, and burst into tears of guilt because you finally figured out that if you hadn't allowed yourself to fall in love and be happy you would have been with your parents on New Year's Eve, and they would not have been heading to a party in Manteo. Pay no mind to the fact that the last words spoken between you and your Mum were hurtful on both sides, and you never got a chance to apologize or tell either of them how much you loved them.
Step 4- Run to another state, or better yet head for another country while you deal with the blinding flash of awareness that your parents' accident is ALL YOUR FAULT. Ignore his phone calls and texts. Don't answer the door if he comes over, even if you know he must be exhausted from trying to maintain a professional hockey career while dealing with your craziness.
Step 5 – This is the crucial step if you really want to lose him. On your way out of the country stop by his house and leave a note. I found this one to be quite effective:
Dear Tor,
I'm heading for London tonight. The time we spent together was lovely,
but I've come to the realization that I don't truly love you, just the idea
of you. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, and I wish you all the best in the future.
Fondly,
Pippa
PS - I've left your things in a box on my bed. After you come to get them you
can just lock up and slip the key into the mail slot.
"I have only three things to say Pipster. First, you're right, this is the stupidest thing you've done bar none."
"Told you so."
"Two, you realize the accident was not your fault. If anyone is to blame it's the guy who had too much to drink and decided it was a good idea to drive in the first place. I know you and I don't talk much about religion and stuff, but I truly believe there is some greater purpose in this. We may never know what it is, but you'd have to have an awfully big ego to think that you can control the universe. Your classroom possibly, the decisions you make, absolutely, but not the universe."
"I know in my heart you're right Annie, but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it. I did decide that I'm going to see if Harrison can recommend someone for me to talk to about this."
(Harrison was the ultimate stoner dude in our high school class, but he ended up being a much respected counselor, and taught sociology at George Washington. Who'd of thunk it?)
Three, liar liar pants on fire!"
"About what?"
"Come on Pippa, I'm calling bullshit on you, just admit you love him. I've known you for a really long time, and I've never seen you so happy. Tor allowed you to be yourself, the klutzy, sarcastic, passionate Phillipa we all know and love. You never had to pretend with him. More importantly he loves you as much as you love him. I can't believe you wrote that note."
"I know, neither can I. They say you shouldn't do anything big in your life for a year after you suffer a loss. Guess I blew that one."
"What now?"
"Now we plan operation get Tor back. I just hope it's not too late."
