I guess I should really start by telling you a tiny bit about myself. I usually forget to do that. I just assume that whoever I'm talking to already has the required information about me. Not that I'm famous or anything. It's just that, well, I usually only talk to people I have known for a long time.
I'm not reclusive, in fact I'm quite the opposite.
My grandmother said once that I was sheltered. I went from the protection, guidance and safety of her home to the chaos of a very conservative sorority at N.Y.U.
My sophomore year I met Brad, fell in love, got married, we bought a house, Brad got a big promotion, we had kids, we bought a bigger house, Brad got another promotion and partnership, we built our dream house...and lived happily ever after...in that big house all alone.
Oh dear, look at me. I'm only a few seconds in and already blabbering like an idiot. I do that from time to time, though usually only when I'm upset or nervous. My mouth just starts to say whatever little thought flitters thru my mind.
Let me start over, my name is Glenda Rebecca Lawson, though my friends just call me "Glen". I'm 45, married and have three of the most wonderful children.
My husband, Brad, says that I am a classic beauty. Though I have come to learn that the word "classic" doesn't always mean what you hope it means. Sometimes it just means old.
I am...a redhead.
There I said it...even though I hate it.
Okay so maybe hate is too strong a word, but I really do strongly dislike it though.
Pale skin that never really tans no matter that I try to get as much sun as I can. Dark auburn hair that will never have a truly good hair day, and don't get me started about morning hair. Oh and please...dye it a different color?
Really?
I do have my grandmother's eyes though, bright green with just a hint of hazel. Brad says they go darker when I'm angry or...well...in to what he's doing to me. But I can't see them so we will just take his word for that part.
Since I stayed at home and raised the baby's, I was able to devote time to working on how I looked. After watching me try or buy just about every type of fad diet or new weight loss machine, Brad finally took charge. He hired me a personal trainer, three times a week she would torture me until I would drop from exhaustion.
In between the torture sessions I kept up a steady diet of swimming, yoga and aerobics. Though I would have kept up the swimming, even if I wasn't trying to lose weight, or tone up my figure.
Why?
Vanity mostly I think.
OK, well maybe that's not the most honest answer.
I wanted Brad. Not just in the sense of our marriage. But in the deepest meaning of the word "want".
You see, when the kids were little life was incredibly busy. Three baby's spanning four years can keep any woman busy, and mine did. But now...they're all grown up, well for the most part. Now between their college classes, jobs or just spending time with friends...well anyway, I don't get to spend time with them anymore.
Once I had total freedom, it hit me.
I was all alone.
Sure Brad came home as often as he could, but without the activities that the kids would involve us in, well there was just not a lot of reasons to actually spend time together. When he was home he would stay cooped up in his office, paying much more attention to his work than me.
So I decided...fine!
I was going to make it impossible for him to ignore me. I was going to make myself over and get back to that slim sexy redhead that he chased after in college.
I wanted him to do everything I could to make every single business trip as short and as painful as possible, for him anyway.
I wanted him to want me too.
For a time I thought that I had pulled it off. I actually was able to wear the same clothing size as I had in college, a size 2 if you must know. But the best was that all the hours of stretching and toning had a definite effect on Brad and our marriage. Brad became almost as attentive and determined to catch me as when we were in college. His business trips became shorter, and twice he cut the trip short and surprised me by coming home early unannounced.
We were even thinking of taking a vacation for the first time since Brad went to work for an investment bank. Well one without any of the kids with us. A real "ADULT" vacation. Though I was pretty sure that Brad's and my ideas about what that would actually entail differed.
I really thought we were happy...I really thought everything would be fine.
But like everything that goes up...we came back down.
I'm not really sure what happened. Or why, and whenever I tried to talk to Brad about things he would just tell me that "work was really chaotic due to the economy", or some such thing anyway. The trips became longer, with more extensions at the last minute. We even postponed our vacation "indefinitely."
I didn't argue...much. He was always sweet and apologetic, and truthfully I knew he was disappointed. So I supported him, like I always have, trying to remain upbeat and happy whenever he was home.
Brad had a huge amount of responsibility. He was a managing partner for one of the largest investment banks in the U.S. Though for the past ten years he has spent most of his time working with foreign governments. I'm not really sure what all he did, but whatever it was, his hard work and sacrifices had made us wealthy.
So I never really could complain.
Honestly it has been wonderful. The marriage, the kids...even our home has been perfect in almost every way.
Then six months ago everything changed.
I remember every detail of that day. Who wouldn't? This day for me, was the iceberg, slicing thru the steel of the mighty Titanic that was my life. What follows is the slow but fatal events that bring me to today...adrift without a lifeboat...
...I had missed a call again. The annoying beeping was coming from my phones voicemail alert...
Glancing at the clock beside my bed, my mind registered nine a.m. I groaned and buried my head under my pillows. I reached for the cell phone, letting my fingers search for it on the night stand. Finally finding it, I brought it under the pillows with me so that I could listen to the message.
The call was from Brad. We usually talked every day at around ten a.m. my time. He was something like twelve or thirteen hours different so that meant it was night there when it was day time here. This trip had been particularly hard though.
When we had actually talked the other day he had sounded exhausted.
Then I had begged him to come home, "let's take a vacation" I pleaded.
He finally let me win the argument after a few minutes and a few of my tears. I missed him so much that I ached. He was going into his second month away from home now, trying to wrap up some big deal.
I listened to the message he had left just a few minutes ago. My eyes tearing up as I heard his words. He really sounded down and tired. I had heard this type of message so many times that I was sick of it though.
I pressed the return call selection on my phone before the message was even done. I wanted him home, I needed him home. There was no way that he was going to stay there any longer than necessary. No way in hell.
His phone rang in my ears, after six rings it went to his voice mail.
"Hi baby, sorry I missed you. I was asleep. Honey you promised you'd be home this weekend. I need you home please. I love you, call me as soon as you get this...bye" I said softly into his messenger.