Karing For Kitty Ch 01

...I could hear a tiny bell...

"Ding...ding" it called to me thru my foggy sleep.

I opened my eyes slowly. Letting them adjust to the brightness of the room.

"Ding...ding" again, it was coming from my phone.

I struggled to reach it and turn off the alarm. For half a second I lost myself in the feelings of disappointment that my dream had stirred. As I clutched my phone to my chest, I closed my eyes and tried to will my tears away.

Today was a day that had come way too fast. I dreaded it, even though I was the one that had made the demands. I pulled the covers over my head, trying to shut out the fact that it was time. It was time to face the future no matter what.

The morning brought rain, I knew because I could smell it thru the open windows of the hotel room. I pulled the covers over my head even more, trying to block out the gloom of the grey clouds. It would be a sad day indeed if it rained all day, my daily trip to the park would have to be postponed as apparently I never planned for bad weather. I knew I had no raincoat or umbrella hiding amongst my things in the little closet.

Deciding to make the best of it though, I got up and showered. I had decided to eat breakfast in the little restaurant that was part of the hotel. I had never been in there, and right now I needed a little distraction to keep my "worry bone" at bay. I had my phone with me though, and as soon as I had ordered and had my coffee in front of me, I dialed Michelle's number.

I waited as it rang, but after a few moments I heard her voice on her service, rather than a sleepy "good morning mom" like I had expected.

I left her a quick message though, trying to disguise the worry in my voice as best I could. Once my breakfast had arrived I had lost my appetite. I tried my best though, picking at the food as I thought about what might be keeping Michelle from returning my call.

I even tried texting Sonya, but really had little hope of her answering at this early hour on a Saturday. It was after all, just barely after 10 a.m. Resigning myself to a day of waiting and worrying, I left the restaurant and headed back upstairs.

Sitting in the room only made things worse though. I had enough pictures of Brad and I, or Brad with the kids, all over the room. I couldn't help but see him no matter where I looked. With no prospect of peace and no real hope that I was going to hear anything really soon I decided to go back downstairs.

Looking out over the park I noticed that the rains seemed to be letting up a little, and here and there a little bit of blue sky could be seen thru the grey clouds.

Once back downstairs I stopped at the front desk and asked the manager if he had an umbrella that I could borrow. If nothing else I could wander the sidewalk shops around the park, there were plenty of things to see just one block over in any direction.

He was more than happy to lend me his own, a rather large bright orange affair that made me laugh when he went outside with me and opened it up over us. It blossomed like a wonderfully big orange flower, the garish color clashing with the bright green of the dress I had chosen to wear.

For some reason I had slipped on the same dress I had worn the day I met Brad. I had kept it, never wearing it, but not daring to throw it out either. It just seemed right somehow that as I waited to hear any news, I would wear this dress. Perhaps I thought of it as a kind of good luck charm, and who knows. It had worked once before, hadn't it?

The manager suggested a blanket, just in case I went to my usual place in the park and wanted to sit on the wet grass. It seemed they knew my habits already, I smiled and accepted his suggestion and the plaid blanket that he offered. I draped it over my arm, my purse hidden under it safely.

Thanking him I headed east along the sidewalk then turned up the first avenue that ran north, intending on searching the shops just one block off the park.

If there is one thing I can do, it is window shop. I could usually spend hours looking at things I never intended to buy, but not today. My mind kept going over what Michelle and I had talked about. I found that I was constantly saying a prayer that everything would work out okay. Admittedly I did find lots of cute things that on any other day I would have been put to the test not to purchase. But without my heart in it, I was able to resist quit easily.

It seemed like I had been gone from the hotel only a few minutes when I found myself at the east entrance of the park. The sun had finally broken thru enough and the rain had stopped, though everything was still wet and steamy from the morning shower. I closed the umbrella and decided to find my usual place on the far west side near the big tree just on the edge of the grass. Feeling better because of the sunlight, I made my way slowly, moving with the growing number of people that were entering the park.

As I left the pavement to walk across the lawn, my heels sunk into the soggy ground. I kicked them off and was delighted by the cool wetness that tickled my toes. Gathering up my heels I ran to my spot, trying to jump a little each time I happened to step into a deeper puddle of water. I was giggling by the time I reached the tree.

I dropped my shoes and umbrella, and leaned against its broad trunk trying to catch my breath.

I laid out the blanket after searching for the driest place on the lawn. Satisfied that it would keep me dry I sat down finally. I took out my phone quickly sending a new text to Sonya.

"Call me please" was all I wrote.

I was a little concerned that she hadn't replied yet from this morning. I thought about calling Michelle again, but opted for a text just in case she couldn't answer. Sending her the same message I sent Sonya, I felt I had done all I could do for the moment. Well, all I could do, plus worry. Which I was doing a lot of right now it seemed.

I leaned back against the tree, trying to enjoy the sun as it warmed my toes. I closed my eyes and imagined that Brad was there talking to me. His deep voice would sound soothing to my ears as he teased me, or perhaps he would try to tell me a clumsy joke, just to hear me laugh. I smiled at the memory, even as my heart ached I could still find joy in a memory of some little thing he did that I found so adorable.

No matter how this day ended I resolved that I would never forget everything wonderful that my marriage with Brad had been. Even though I was sure he had doubts of our future together. The same way I did, most likely.

I had never imagined that finding myself would have cost so much. But then, doesn't every selfish act have a price? Maybe I had just been lucky, maybe everyone else had already paid the price, and now it was my turn. I had never really been focused on what I wanted. At least I didn't think so.

"Was I being selfish?"

"Was I really doing the right thing for everyone?"

"Was this the only way?"

The last quiet question was the worst. Self-doubt, worry and anguish washed over me. I glanced at my phone. Its black screen was all the proof I needed. No one had tried to call me, or even replied to a text. Truthfully though there was only one person whose advice I really wanted. And thinking of what she might say, or how she might scold me, only brought pains of loss.

I knew what she would tell me, or at least I thought I did.

"Self-discovery is a perilous journey," she would say, "there will be many casualties along the way. Just make sure you are not one of them, make sure you make it home".

I could even hear the words in my grandmothers' strong Boston accent.

"What if it's not me I find?"

"What if it's not me that comes home?"

I knew the questions that raced thru my mind sounded crazy. Probably clinically insane, or at least something clinical. For me it all made perfect sense though. I had already fought thru and knew who I could be. Of that I was sure.

But had I really won?

It drove right to the heart of what brought me to this moment. It was the reason, right up this second, that I was here waiting to see which life would be before me tomorrow.

Tears burned my eyes as I wrestled with my own fears and self-doubt.

"I had given it all up, for what?"

"For some self-absorbed journey of self- discovery?"

I had walked away from everything that I had thought meant something to me. And now I sat all alone in the middle of a park filled with people. I was right back to the spot where it all had started.

At least I was at the spot where I would have said it started before it all unraveled. I know that sounds clinical too, but everyone has starts and stops in life. New people or places, journeys or events, that mark time for them.

This park was where the life Brad and I had together started. But what happened six months ago was also a new start. It was a new start of what might end up being the end of my life with the most wonderful man and father.

If you have the time I would love to explain.

Really talking to someone, anyone right now, would be better than just hearing myself. Besides, I promise it will be a story that you will never forget. I certainly can't.

I know that the best stories seem to start at the beginning.

But sometimes a story that starts at the beginning is harder to tell and makes the least amount of sense. For some reason I feel compelled to start somewhere near the end.

It's just that so much happened so fast.

At least everything that involved Kitty, which really is what this is all about.

I need to start with a bath.

A clean start if you will, pun intended.

You would love my bath. It's large and spacious, and your every wish is its command. When it comes to bath's anyway.