The next morning Julie woke up hung over. She wasn't much of a drinker and the stuff Ashlee had made was potent. Then she remembered replying to Greg's email. Oh, shit!
She quickly checked her email. Greg had replied.
"There's no one here this weekend either, if you want to stop by today or tomorrow."
He wasn't even pretending it was about talking now, was he? Not that Julie would have believed him if he had continued that ruse. But maybe it would have been easier if she could have told herself that's why she was going to see him. Even if she knew that wasn't the reason. Like a drunk going into a bar ostensibly to buy a pack of cigarettes.
Sitting at the table with Ashlee, this morning the cereal traded for coffee, Julie told her friend about the email. Ashlee smiled slightly, her own hangover dampening her I-told-you-so mirth.
"You'll go," she croaked confidently. Julie looked up at Ashlee, surprised by this assertion.
"Why?"
"I would," Ashlee said with a shrug.
"Yeah, but I'm not you," Julie countered, painfully aware of how judgmental her words sounded. She was no longer holding the moral high ground, was she?
"I know," Ashlee said softly, her fingers gripping her temples, rubbing them. "But you want me to tell you it's okay, so I'm telling you it's okay."
"No," retorted Julie. "That's not why I told you!" The effort of making the assertion hurt her head. "I just..." Why had she told Ashlee? She hadn't told Ashlee about his first email until after she received this one. Was she really looking for help rationalizing it?
"Go ahead," Ashlee said, still rubbing her own head. "What have you got to lose?"
"What if Gary is, you know... watching me or something?"
"If he is, then he doesn't trust you and there's not really any hope in that case, is there?" Ashlee's argument was strangely persuasive. "Besides, you're just going over there to talk to him, right?" Had Ashlee winked? In her hangover haze, Julie wasn't sure. But again, she found herself wanting to heed her friend's advice.
But, Julie reminded herself, Ashlee was a train wreck when it came to relationships. Maybe guys like Greg were appealing in the bedroom, but what good were they in the long run? On the other hand, what good was a long run that left her, well... longing?
After breakfast and a shower, Julie still felt awful. She sat down in front of her computer and read Greg's email again, mulling over Ashlee's advice. Ashlee was just saying what Julie wanted to hear. But the fact that it was what Julie wanted to hear was the real telltale. If Julie's body wasn't already urging her to go, what power would Ashlee's words have had?
She popped a couple aspirin and went back to bed. She woke around lunch time feeling considerably better. Wandering out to the kitchen, Julie found Ashlee sleeping on the sofa. She walked quietly past her sleeping friend and was careful not to make noise as she scrounged up some leftover pizza.
Afterward, Julie retreated to her room and sat down in front of her computer again. Greg's email was still there, awaiting her reply. It wasn't quite one-thirty. If Julie hurried over there... She started calculating in her head how many hours she could spend with him. Then she stopped herself. She was basing her calculations on having to be home at a certain time. That wasn't the case now, was it?
That thought in itself was a little scary. There had always been a limit to her time with Greg. Windows of opportunity that she had to take advantage of whenever she could. A half hour here, a few hours there. This was a different situation now though. This was like a kid being turned loose in a toy store. The idea that she could have as much of him as she wanted, as often as she wanted... her knees got a little wobbly.
Julie thought about what it would be like to go to bed with Greg and wake up with him, not worrying about being home or getting caught. The thought made her tingle all over.
Of course, that still wasn't really the case. She wasn't going to show up at Greg's apartment while his roommates were there. And he said he was going to be heading back in another week or so. Still... there were certainly more possibilities. Assuming, that was, that Julie was going to completely abandon any hope of saving her relationship with Gary.
Did she really want to throw that away? Right now it might be a kid-in-a-candy-store scenario, but what about when Greg inevitably moved on? Then she would have neither the security, comfort and love of Gary nor the sexual excitement of Greg. She had to remind herself that choosing Greg now was certainly going to lead her to that eventually.
But it was like describing cancer to a teenage smoker. The risks were all too far away, too far removed from daily highs and lows to matter. She could get her fix now and at least for the immediate future. Whatever was waiting weeks or months or years down the road had little influence over what she wanted right now, no matter how bad, intellectually speaking, she knew her choice to be.
There was a significant part of her that was afraid for other reasons, though. And that fear, the fear of making her situation with Gary worse, still had the power to give her pause. She had already put herself in an unsavory position. If she and Gary did split up, she was an adulteress. Gary would already have the upper hand in any sort of legal proceedings. But that wasn't at the root of her fear, was it? No, like the cigarette analogy, it was still too far off.
But there was a fear, wasn't there? Maybe it was the more natural, reactionary fear of having gotten into serious trouble and wanting at all costs to be out of it. She had screwed up. And the magnitude of that mistake had yet to be fully revealed. In the meantime, she was like a child waiting in her room for her dad to come home. The consequences would be severe. And that thought, and the fear that went with it, was something powerful enough to influence her decision making.
But even as she felt that anxiety, she also felt temptation. To have Greg without limits... That was something that stirred her in a way that surprised her. Was it because now she had a chance to see if a relationship with Greg was possible? Was she, in spite of what her head told her, trying to capture that fantasy? If only briefly?
Julie sat down and looked at Greg's email. She wanted to run over to Greg's and see what it would be like to spend time with him and not have to keep an eye on her watch. But she was anxious and afraid of the consequences she was already facing.
Or maybe she just wanted to see how hard Greg would work to convince her.
She typed a brief response.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
She wondered if she should say more, but couldn't think of anything. She didn't want to encourage him to convince her. That had to come straight from him. He either wanted her enough to try persuading her or... Or he'd pick up his little black book and call some less complicated woman.
Julie lounged around and watched TV most of the afternoon. When Ashlee woke up, she didn't seem to have any more ambition than that either. The two of them sat and watched television, occasionally chatting about insignificant things. And every so often, Julie would go back to her room and check her email.
Just before five, Greg answered her.
"I have this weekend and part of next. Then I'm home for at least a month. I don't want to leave without seeing you again."
The way he said he wanted to see her made Julie's heart beat a little faster. Did he really mean that? Was there something more to this than sex? Did he... dare she even think it, want to be with her? And not just in a sexual sense. Was he interested in something more than fucking Julie and sending her home to her husband?
Julie had to admit that she had found their kisses and embraces more passionate than they should be if he didn't have any feelings for her. The way he held her after sex seemed to convey a similar message. But Julie would never let herself think that way. It would be too devastating to fall for a guy who would never, could never, reciprocate. Ashlee's dating history was testament to that.
But now... there was a tingly knot of uncertainty gnawing at her belly. Could she take a chance that he was just saying whatever was necessary to get what he wanted? Could she ignore the possibility that Greg might actually want her?
