In-Between: Prolog

Sunlight filters through the trees, dancing across the water. I stand surrounded by the serenity of it all, of nature in its purest form. The lake stretches before me, quiet, waiting. It speaks to a part of my soul, whispering to my elven blood. It pulls me, wanting me to be one with it, a gentle assurance that I belong with it.

I can feel it, those invisible vines that connect me to the earth, intertwining with my essence. There is a stirring, and awakening, a nearly painful longing deep within me. A yearning transcending mortal boundaries, calling me to become whole with the land itself.

I can feel it happening within me. This deep in the forest, the craving need overcomes the human blood in my veins, coaxing me to shed my clothing as if I were a snake, leaving behind skin that has grown too tight, too confining for what I am becoming in this moment.

The human in me is scared of this intensity, this surety. She does not understand and fears the wildness that beckons. There is a need within her for the safety of society, the caging of this ephemeral creature. But she cannot stand against the forest. Its demand overpowers her as I step ever so lightly into the water.

The coolness envelopes me as I am guided forward, washing the fears away; cleansing me of the tension of my warring halves. Belonging. That is what this feeling is. My human is not rejected. She, too, is embraced. The forest longs for her as it does for any of its children. There is a pining in this welcome. A desire for the human to return such feelings to the forest without fright and destruction. A coveting for trees to remain uncut, dirt unturned, for roads and houses to be unneeded. Shelter is provided if only it would be taken. Togetherness is offered yet is rejected in favor of control.

As the water reaches my knees I feel the comfort of kinship. The water yielding for me, flowing around me, allowing me access to its caress. My spirit is recognized and nurtured within the waters of tranquility. I willingly leave behind the constraints of the world, kneeling, sinking, giving more of me to the water. I feel it rise over my skin, tracing up my torso, my breasts, murmuring just below my collar bones. My dark hair spreads out behind me, around me, swirling in the ebbing flow.

I can feel myself becoming one with the water, merging with its gentle touch. The sensation is almost ethereal, as if I am becoming part of the lake itself. The water caresses my pale skin, leaving a soothing trail of ripples as it rises to meet my form, teasing with its tender touch, freeing me from worries and concerns.

It is as if a lover meets me, touches me, holds me, while the forest provides the home in which we meet, keeping us safely secluded from prying eyes. My lips part in the sweetest of pleasures. My crystalline eyes look to the sky, glazed, languishing in the feeling before they submit to closure, the warmth of day warming my lids. I am leaned back by that gentle warmth, resting my head into the water's embrace.

My lover's nearness stirs my passion, an aching deep within my body. I can feel its tortuous teasing, edging me closer for its own pleasure, craving my responses. I need it, this force, this nature. I need it to take me, claim me, fill me to the point of blissful oblivion. I sink under the water, giving over to it, willingly being consumed by it.

I surrender to the depths of my own soul, allowing this world to devastate me with its touch. Shake me, break me, shatter me to my core. The sunlight is gone, the darkness all there is, and yet beneath the water, in the nothingness of silence, I feel an inner light. There are no boundaries, no selves, no halves and separates. There is only this moment, this current, this state, free and infinite in its potential.

It is everything I have ever wanted, needed, missed. I have spent so long with humans; to be here, home, welcomed, fills me with such elation. The dearth within my being finally sated by the delicious fullness of unity. I never want this moment to end. I want to stay, forever, here. My lungs burn with the need for air and yet I stave it off for just a moment longer, just a touch more. I stretch the seconds for as long as I physically can for want of this feeling, this freeing, this releasing.

I am torn between the suffocating need for breathe and the desire to prolong this experience, existence. The thought of returning, of living, is daunting. I can't keep doing it. I can't keep being a lie; a human solely for human comfort. I refuse it. I deny it. I demand to stay in this world of untouched wonder.

And yet, with a gasp, my human wins as I break the surface, water cascading down my face as my chest heaves. I raise my hands from the water, tears burning my eyes, as my fingers trace over my scalp. My eyes remain closed, tears lost in the lake, as my ragged breathing eases, evens through my parted lips.

It's as if I am reborn, breaking through the surface. Reality rushes into my senses, new and raw. The light with its warmth, tangling with the cool of water. Weight leaves me as the water falls from my form. I feel alive in my death, every breath a reminder, a screaming cry to live.

I know my time here, with the water, is done. We had our union and just like a joining of partners, there comes a time when bodies must part, if only to be met again making the next joining all the sweeter for the absence. My eyes remain closed, my hands resting on my slim shoulders which no longer bear unspeakable burdens.

I cling to this moment, savoring it, memorizing it. I let it sink so deep into my bones before I open my eyes with sadness. There is a knowing that this is my place, to be caught between two worlds, wanting to stay and knowing I can't.

Melancholy washes over me as much as the water had as I accept my bittersweet departure. I linger a moment longer, a parting kiss. A gentle, tender hug of farewell. I desperately need this moment and yet it hurts in a way physical pain cannot touch. I cherish it, this pain, this sweetness even as I stand, rising, parting, returning the water to my knees. There is loss here, a beautiful, longing loss. The ache is a testament to the depth, a reflection of the complexity within the thing humans call a heart.

My hands slip from my shoulders, hanging at my sides in a defeated acceptance. Life is cruel and there is little that can be done for it. I turn in the water, understanding that these brief moments are special and meant to end. There is an impermanence in life, an exhausting fight against the inevitability of endings. Fragile, fleeting, full of beauty and cherished just the same.

I long for things to be different. If I were different, not human, I could stay. If I were not elf, I would have never known. But I am both, and in this twisted unnatural existence of two races never meant to mix, I stand torn between it all, sundered by a need that can never be truly filled and a fear that can never be truly assured. I never asked for this and yet it is my hand to play, if only I knew the game.

My eyes remain downcast as I reach the shore, that painful between. Not quiet land, not quiet water, a mix of both where they join. I am the line, the in-between. And, just as this place, I serve a purpose, a bridging of two spaces. Maybe there will be a time when I find my own, an understanding for why I am meant to straddle my two halves so keenly.

I am the threshold, the point where two paths converge. I lean down, picking up the vesting I had shed just moments ago. They have a weight, a familiarity to them. They are a reminder of my human. The ground which meets the water. I hold that which is the earth of my being, my mortality, my eventual ending, which is what makes everything so much more precious. It hurts because of its conclusion. It is meaningful because of its cessation. It matters for the blurred lines between being and ending.

Life... and loss... but between the two there is purpose.

I stand tall, once more clothed, wearing all of me, accepting all of me, ready for my in-between.