Gaming: D&d

I don't know quite how I felt, at first. Stunned, I suppose. There was disbelief, and white-hot anger. I buried the anger, deep - and then I poured all of that negative energy into my exams. I was going to ace the fuckers, and then I could show Diane that she hadn't gotten me down.

She called me, four times a day. Cherie had to answer the phone, and tell Diane that I wasn't home. Gabby called a few times, as well.

- "She called me, too." said Coop. "Crying ... asking what she could do to get you back." He looked me in the eye. "

Is

there anything she could do?"

- "No."

- "Understood." he said. "Too bad, though - I liked her."

- "So did I."

Parvani gave me a gentle hug. She was kind enough not to say 'I told you so', or anything like that. The two girls had never warmed to each other, despite the fact that Diane knew that Par was one of my best friends. Some day, I would have to ask Parvani why she hadn't liked Diane all that much - but not today.

Nate didn't have to say anything: he was just there for me. So was my sister. It was a great comfort to have four friends who really cared about me.

Gabby tracked me down on campus.

- "She's crying all day - every day." she said. "Won't you at least give her a chance to explain?"

- "No." I said. "I really don't want to hear it."

- "Ian - she loves you." said Gabby.

I wasn't going to dignify that with an answer.

It had to happen, I suppose. Diane caught me coming out of one of my last exam. She was sitting on a bench beside the entrance to the quad. I was exhausted, after a 3 hour ordeal, but I decided, on the spot, that it was better to get this over with.

I sat down next to her.

- "Go ahead." I said.

She sobbed. "That's all you have to say to me?" she asked.

- "I have nothing to say to you." I said. "But if you want to get something off your chest, go ahead." I shouldn't have said 'chest' - it made me think of her wonderful breasts.

- "I made a mistake, Ian." she said. "I was stupid."

I wasn't going to argue with her.

"It didn't mean anything, though. You're the one I love. There's no one else I love like you."

I didn't respond.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" she asked.

- "No." I said. Technically, that

was

saying something - but I thought that it might speed up the process.

- "Ian - tell me what I can do - what I have to do."

- "You have to go home, Diane. Or back to work." I suggested.

- "Aren't you going to fight, Ian?" she asked. "Aren't you going to try to save what we had?"

I stood up.

- "It's too late, Diane. You killed it. It's dead. There's nothing left to save."

She burst into tears, as I walked away. I didn't feel all that much better. Sometimes, it's no fun being right.

***

Simran phoned, and asked if I could meet her for a drink after she got off work. I accepted - then I had second thoughts. In the end I went with my third thoughts.

- "I'm so sorry." she said, right off the bat.

- "Thanks." I said.

- "I can only imagine how you feel - though I think that we have this much in common: you invest so much into another person, and they betray your trust ... "

- "Thanks, Simran." I said. I think that I was trying to make light of the whole thing. To pretend that it didn't really hurt.

- "She's an idiot, Ian." she said. "She had no idea how lucky she was. She's going to regret it some day - but

you

shouldn't."

My head came up. Those were virtually the same words I had used to comfort her, when she had broken the engagement with Arjun. She had remembered them - exactly. And she was now repeating them to me, in an attempt to console me.

- "You have a an excellent memory." I said.

She smiled. "They were wise words, Ian. I've thought about them many times since you said them. And they're just as true in this case."

- "Thank you." I said. I meant it, this time.

We talked some more about our common ground. For Simran, her experience with Arjun had been profoundly disturbing.

- "I kept wondering how I could have been so blind, for so long." she said. "When I finally realized who he was -

what

he was - I couldn't believe that I'd missed all of the signals."

I nodded.

"Were there signs, in your case, Ian?" she asked. "In hindsight?"

- "In hindsight? I might have been dazzled - or even blinded - by Diane's physical beauty."

And by the sex. I was going to miss the sex. I wasn't about to discuss that with Simran, though.

"I guess there were signs, all along ... I didn't

miss

them, exactly. It was more a case of seeing signals, and then ignoring them."

- "Such as?"

- "I don't know ..." I was reluctant to run Dianne down.

- "It helps, Ian - to talk it through. Trust me on this."

- "Well, Cherie didn't like her much. And I wasn't crazy about her brother. But I think it was more disturbing that Diane couldn't warm to Nate and Par - or they to her. She did like Coop, though."

- "Everybody likes Coop." said Simran.

- "True. I knew that I was never going to be close with her friends, either. Gabby and Kelly were fun girls, but a bit too shallow for my tastes."

- "Arjun

had

no friends." said Simran. "They were colleagues at school. Either they looked up to him, because of his intelligence, or they were people that

he

looked up to. Or men that he felt could help him in his career."

"They were all male. He didn't have any female friends. Two sisters, but he ignored them. They looked up to him, too - but I'm not sure that they liked him."

- "I know what you mean." I said. "It's easier to see these things afterwards."

- "Isn't hindsight wonderful?"

- "You're right, Simran. This did help, a bit. Thank you."

- "You're welcome, Ian." she said.

On my way home, I remembered one more small detail. When I told Diane about Grad school and the grants, she was less than enthused. It felt like she wanted me to graduate and get a job, as she had. Interesting.

***

I graduated cum laude. And a week later, I got an invitation to lunch from Dr Welsh. After congratulating me, he went straight to the reason why he had called me.

- "I'm going to London for research in July. Three weeks. Well, two weeks of work, really, and a week to visit. I have a graduate student who's gone with me before, but she's unavailable this time. Would you be interested in the job?"

London, England. Digging through old documents in the Public Record Office. Working for Dr. Welsh - and getting paid. Of course I was interested.

- "Your flight and accommodation would be covered." And then he named a surprisingly generous salary, for two weeks work. "It would be six days' work per week," he warned me, "but the final week could be a holiday for you."

I accepted on the spot.

That left me with some juggling to do. With Coop's help, I managed to hang on to my summer job for May and June - on the understanding that I would train my replacement for July and August.

Then I called Parvani, and asked her to have dinner with me. Her alone - without Nate. She wore just a little makeup, and looked absolutely fantastic. I told her so.

She smiled, suddenly shy. "Thank you, Ian. But I'm sure that's not why you invited me here."

- "Well, Nate told me told me about your interview on Tuesday." I said. Simran had pulled a string or two, and got Parvani an interview at the publishing House. "You'd be excellent in that job."

- "If I get it." she said. "Cross your fingers."

- "You will." I predicted.

"But you're right. There's something else I have to ask you."

She nodded. "Go ahead."

I took a deep breath. "I want to ask Simran to go out with me. Would that bother you, Par?"

Parvani looked surprised. "Why would you ask

me

?" she said. "Does Simran know?"

- "No. She doesn't. And she never will, if it would make you unhappy. I won't ask her."

- "Oh." Parvani reached for her glasses, on reflex. They weren't there.

- "I'm serious, Par. I won't even mention it again, if it would make you uncomfortable."

- "It doesn't make me uncomfortable." she said.

- "Are you sure?" I asked.

- "How long have you been interested in Simran?"

This was the part I was most afraid of. It was the one thing that might hurt Par most. But I wouldn't tell one of my dearest friends anything less than the whole truth.

"From the first time I met her." I said. "You and I had been friends for a while; it would have been awkward to hit on your sister. There was the age difference, of course. But I also wondered if ... if you had ever felt like Simran got all the attention, while you ..."

- "Felt like the uglier sister." said Parvani. "The ugly duckling."

- "Not any more, Par. If you ever were ... that's in the past. You're just as beautiful as she is."

Parvani smiled - or half-smiled, to be more accurate. She was staring off into the distance. It was the 1,000 yard stare, the face of a person who's looking inwards. Then her eyes re-focused, and she looked at me.

- "Thank you." she said.

- "You're welcome."

- "That's ... perceptive of you, Ian. You never made me feel ... ugly."

- "You weren't, Par." I said. "You've always been beautiful. I just wanted your friendship too much to risk fucking it up."

The waiter arrived, sparing Parvani the need to respond. That might have been a good thing. Once we had placed our orders, Parvani smiled again.

- "This is so bizarre." she said. "If I read something like this in a novel, I'd think that it was overdone. Exaggerated. And yet ... here we are."

- "They do say that truth is stranger than fiction." I said.

She nodded. "Thank you, Ian - for considering my feelings. Nate and I thought about you, of course - but you know all of that. Maybe I should have asked you

befor

e agreeing to go out with him."

- "No, Par. That's not what this is about. You guys

did

ask me. I appreciated the courtesy - but it wasn't necessary. You

know

how happy I am that you two got together."

She nodded.

"This is different, because I don't know how you feel about your sister. I know that you love her - but I didn't know if you'd feel jealous, or angry ... if I asked her out. I had to ask."

- "I appreciate you asking, Ian. It was very thoughtful." She raised her head. "You can ask Simran out. I hope she says yes."

***

I didn't have an epiphany, and I wasn't struck by lightning, or anything like that. It was more a gradual realization.

The age difference didn't seem like such a big deal, anymore. And having talked to Parvani, I felt more comfortable that I wasn't going to hurt our friendship. But what motivated me most was fear: if I waited too long, Simran might find another boyfriend. I didn't think that I could stand that.

So ... ready or not ...

We were gaming at Parvani's. Everybody was there. More important, Simran was home. She'd be going out later, to give us some privacy, but she offered to make us a pot of tea. I jumped up to help.

Alone in the kitchen, for a moment ... I took a deep breath. For some reason, my knees were shaking.

- "Simran, are you free next Saturday evening?" I asked.

Maybe my voice was a little off, or something about my manner alerted her. Simran turned to look at me.

- "I think so." she said. "Why?"

- "I'd like to take you to dinner." I said.

- "Oh? What's the occasion?" she asked.

- "No special occasion. I just want to take you to dinner - will you go out with me?" That came out better. And there it was - out in the open.

- "You mean ... like a date?" she said.

I didn't get a chance to answer, as Parvani bustled into the kitchen.

- "Need some help?" she asked.

It took her only a second to realize that she had interrupted something. She blushed, and tried to beat a hasty retreat.

- "I'll take the sugar. And the milk." she said. Then Par left the kitchen as quickly as she had come in.

Simran smiled. The tension - or the awkwardness, at least - was gone. But she gave me a serious answer.

- "Can I think about it, Ian?" she asked. "Would you mind?"

- "You can go out once, as a friend." I said. "And then you can say no to a second date, if you don't want to go."

Simran smiled again. She recognized her own words immediately. It was the advice she had given her sister, when Coop had asked Parvani out.

- "I'll call you." she said.

***

She accepted.

For some reason, I wasn't nervous. I was probably more uptight the first time I went out with Diane, or when I was taking Tanya out, trying to make it seem like a date when it really wasn't. Or the reverse.

With Simran ... I didn't have to impress her. She already knew me fairly well. My good points, anyway. And while I could always learn more about her, I didn't expect anything to be a game-changer.

Relax, have a good time. Be myself. That was the plan.

But I wasn't prepared for how good she looked when I picked her up. Her long black hair hung loose, a foot past her shoulders. She had just enough makeup on to enhance her lips and draw attention to her eyes.

She wore a dark blue dress - dark enough to be almost purple. It wasn't low-cut, but it did hug her curves. It was also short enough to expose quite a bit of her slender legs. Other than her legs, Simran was solidly built.

I promptly forgot the plan. I remembered to turn on the Bruce Cockburn tape I had cued up, ready to go. After that, I didn't have a clue. So I reverted to the Nate approach: get her talking about herself.

- "So Parvani's interview went well?" I said.

- "Can you keep a secret?" said Simran. Then she shook her head, and smiled. "Of course you can. They're going to offer her the job on Tuesday."

- "That's great!" I said. "She'll be thrilled."

- "I hope so. I think she'll like the people there. I know she'll enjoy the work."

- "Do you still like it?" I asked. "It must be interesting, reading all of those submissions."

- "Sometimes. Mostly it's not all that exciting."

- "But ... you like it better than your old job, don't you?"

- "Human Resources? Oh, hell yes." Simran chuckled. "Did I ever tell you why I quit the insurance company?"

- "I don't think so - no, you didn't."

- "It's partly your fault, you know." she said. "That night at the hospital, after Parvani's party? When you gashed your hand?"

- "I remember."

- "You were talking about anything and everything." she said. "Then you asked me if I enjoyed my work."

- "You said that it was challenging and that they paid you well." I said.

- "You

do

remember!" Simran smiled. "And then you said: '

That's not what I asked'

."

I nodded. I remembered that night at the hospital very well.

"I couldn't stop thinking about that." said Simran. "Arjun predicted that I'd be Head of HR within two years. That didn't help at all."

"My boss kept telling me that I had a great future with the company. And then I woke up one morning and realized that I didn't want to go to work. I wasn't sick, or bored - nothing like that. It was what my boss had said;

that

was what I dreaded - that my future was there."

"The thought of still being there, 25 or 30 years later, terrified me."

I didn't interrupt her. I just drove, and listened. I even turned down the music, so that I could hear her better.

- "That's why I changed jobs." she said.

- "Any regrets?"

- "Oh, boy - at first, they gave me technical writing. Descriptions of products, computer hardware, engineering ... business proposals, a proposal for a medical grant ..."

- "Dull?"

- "You have no idea. But I was learning a great deal ... about a variety of fields that I'd never been remotely interested in before. I got better at it, too."

- "Is there anything you're

not

good at, Simran?" I asked.

- "Thank you for the compliment, Ian." she said. But of course there are things I'm not very good at. Sports, in school.

Engagements

..."

I didn't know whether to laugh, or to show sympathy. She provided the answer by laughing out loud.

"In any case, I have you to thank for getting me started - for making me think. Thank you for that, too."

We got to the restaurant. It was slightly upscale, but they preferred substance over style. It was good food, in a pleasant setting, and the prices weren't outrageous. At least, that's what Dad and Jill had said. I was relieved to see that they were right.

When I asked her what she wanted, Simran chose the least expensive item on the menu.

- "Is that what you really want?" I asked. "You know I'll be making a fair bit of money next year. And I got another bonus with this research trip. Please - order what you'd like. I certainly will."

Simran changed her order. Then we talked about London for a while. Her parents had taken the girls there when they were very young. Parvani had only vague recollections, but Simran had quite a few memories.

- "I was still pretty young." she admitted. "But the mummies at the British Museum were amazing, and I remember how terrified Parvani was of the ravens at the Tower of London. They're huge."

- "Did you go anywhere else?"

We talked about England for a while, and then books. Simran surprised me by bringing up the subject of Christopher Tolkien, and the publication of his father's collected notes.

- "Nothing as good as

The Silmarillion

." she said. Then she saw my face. "Why do you look so stunned? You know that I loved

Lord of the Rings

, too. I've read it three times."

- "You did?"

- "If I played D&D, I'd be a high elf. Not just a wood elf, like Legolas, but an ageless one ... like Galadriel."

- "D&D?" I sputtered.

- "Parvani tells me about her characters. And yours, and Nate's. Interesting psychological profiles, there. She also told about some of the plotlines you're created. Sometimes I can recognize the source material - but sometimes I don't."

I had to ask. "Simran - why didn't you ever play D&D with us? It sounds like ... like you would have enjoyed it."

She shook her head. "No, Ian. That was Parvani's group. Her first really good circle of friends. I would never want to spoil that for her."

- "But ..." I started - then I subsided. I knew what she meant. There was always the chance that Simran would have overshadowed her sister. Simran was more confident, more outgoing ... and more beautiful - I don't think that it was wrong to admit that.

It's odd. I still felt the urge to protect Simran - to be there to support her. Yet she was probably the first woman I'd ever been close to that didn't need my protection.

I don't mean that she wouldn't have appreciated support - just that ... she seemed so utterly self-sufficient. It was part of her beauty - of her appeal.

She turned down dessert, but we lingered over coffee. We were at the restaurant, talking, for well over two hours, and I never felt the time passing.

On the way home, Simran saw the tapes I'd lined up in the well between the seats. It was a collection of her favourite groups and artists. She recognized what I'd done right away, and she smiled.

We were both quiet, though, as I drew nearer to her house. We were completely silent as I pulled into the laneway.

- "Simran - " I began.

- "Could I borrow this one?" she asked, holding up the Neil Young tape I'd made.

- "Sure." I said. "Of course."

She put her hand on my arm.

- "Thank you." she said. "For dinner, and for your company. I had a wonderful time."

- "As did I." I said. Wow - there I went again. It seemed like every time I was around Simran, I lapsed into chivalric talk.

I was about to speak, but she forestalled me.