Forgetting Liesel: Day 01

So I haven't felt much like writing lately -- depression can do that to a woman, I guess. But my therapist (yeah, you smirk, but you know you have one, too)... anyway, my therapist said it'd be good for me to "process my feelings," so here I am.

How's that for an introduction? I don't know, it just feels weird to be introducing myself to my own fucking journal... Hah. I like that. Fucking journal.

What would that be like? My own fucking journal? I'd probably have to start with Mark, even though I still think he's a bastard, since he was my first. Then again, I'm the writer, so I could skip over that whole messy guy thing and start with Liesel.

Liesel. Liesel... she was sort of my first, too. Not like Mark -- I mean, the asshole practically stole my virginity (well, at the time, I wanted it, but still). Liesel was different. Liesel was... she was warm, and silly, but intelligent in a way that made you feel completely uncomfortable and completely at ease, simultaneously. Liesel was... Liesel.

It wasn't that hard to notice her. She wasn't loud or anything; she just always said everything as if she were absolutely right. And not even in a bitchy way, not arrogant or haughty at all. Just firm, and... resolute. If Liesel was anything, she was resolute.

Resolute, firm Liesel. Jesus, was she firm.... My mouth still waters when I think about her. She tasted like coconut -- it was this lip gloss she used to wear, that she got in Jamaica or something. Well, that's what she said. She probably could've picked it up at a gas station, but the first thing you learned about Liesel was not to question her. Firm, remember?

I didn't actually taste her until she crawled up onto my bare stomach from between my legs. She was a mess, but she was still beautiful... her hair was all tangly, and that lip gloss was smeared across her cheek. She kissed me for the first time then.

Funny thing, that. You'd think it would be the opposite. I mean, I hated Mark, and he kissed and kissed and kissed me for months before he got up my skirt. But Liesel... she had me flat on my back, no questions asked, before she even touched me. And I was in love with her even before that.

I went over to her apartment to give back a sweater that I thought she'd forgotten at my place. I assumed it was an accident, but I should've known that Liesel always did everything on purpose. She opened the door in her underwear -- a plain white bra, and even plainer white panties -- chewing on an apple core. She asked me what I wanted.

What I wanted was to be anywhere but there, anywhere but in Liesel's doorway watching her gnaw the last bits of sweet flesh off of that core in her underwear, but she didn't give me that option. I tried to hold out the sweater, to tell her she left it at my apartment, but she just took my wrist and pulled me in and shut the door behind me and asked me another question.

Later, people said I should've saw it coming. But with Liesel, I could never tell. She had the craziest ideas. It always took me a few minutes longer to catch up to her than to anyone else. That was why I didn't answer when she asked me if I'd ever been with a woman. I was trying to process (therapist should like that one) what she'd just said, and maybe that's why I found myself on Liesel's bed instead of in the elevator, heading home. Maybe if I'd just said no, then I'd still be....

Well, it doesn't matter, because I didn't say anything, and I ended up on that lemon yellow quilt she always kept on her bed, no matter how hot it got outside. It wasn't that weird that she kept giving me orders. With Liesel, that was just how it was. She wasn't mean about it -- you just got this feeling that she knew what she was talking about, what was best for everyone, and even if you didn't like it, you knew that it was what needed to be done.

It wasn't weird that she kept giving me orders. It was just a little odd that I was following them so... readily. I just did what she told me to do, and pretty soon that quilt was touching my bare skin, and I was spreading my legs for Liesel.