Chapter 19
One of Katie's favorite movies was
The Little Mermaid
. The song from that movie played in my head over and over. I had Sebastian in my ear whispering "Kiss de girl," so I did.
It was a mistake. She was more like me than I ever expected. I'd seen her as a victim and that wasn't her at all. Something awful had happened to her, but even before she took a single self-defense course, before she'd worked on her issues through therapy, she'd gotten to the point where she took a life. Katie had blood on her hands. She was just like me. It made her a survivor. I couldn't explain why I found that so attractive, but I did.
She didn't return my affection and after a minute of kissing her I knew it was wrong. My actions repulsed me as much as the look on her face. The terror in her eyes made me stop and I assumed she'd always fear me. I controlled the primal urges that wanted to take over. I had needs and desires, but I'd convinced myself that she couldn't meet them nor would she ever want to. Her watery brown eyes helped me to collect myself and shut it all down.
"Okay," she whispered. Her hands unclasped and she pulled the shirt down her shoulders and arms. I was struck dumb. She pulled it off and tossed it aside on the bed. I watched, unable to take my eyes away. Her eyes clenched closed and with trembling fingers she reached behind her and undid her bra holding it across her chest. The move was almost revealing but not quite, as her breathing raced.
I wanted her, but not like this. She was forcing herself to participate in what I'd started and it was the ice water I needed.
"Katie, you have no idea how beautiful you are." I stood up and turned away, taking deep breaths. Not like this. "Get dressed." I pushed and compartmentalized all the things that wanted to escape the dark little box that held those parts of me.
"We should go," I murmured as I turned to face her.
She sat up, blinking rapidly. Surprise almost pushed the look of fear off her beautiful face. "But I thought..." Her voice trailed off as I stared down at her.
"Get dressed. I'll be outside." I stalked to the door and slammed it shut behind me, shaking the walls in the process.
I paced the walkway to the hotel room until she came out, then I turned and walked into the parking lot without a glance back. She went around to the passenger side of the gray Toyota Camry I'd stolen and tried the handle. It was locked. I punched the button and she opened the door and slid in. She put her old coat on the floor under her feet. She was wearing the new one I'd just bought.
"Put on your seatbelt," I said softly.
I could feel a lie brewing between us. I couldn't point to it yet, but it was there. Something she said had been false. Her killing Noel, though she hadn't admitted she'd killed him. I wasn't sure what was off, wrong, maybe it was the whole Noel thing. One thing for sure if Carter was working with Jorge then it wasn't just me putting her life in danger. The fact that she'd killed Noel, whether she confessed to it or not, was enough to put her on Jorge's hit list.
Chapter 20
One of the biggest issues I'd developed from my time in Cantana was that I hated my body. Not just because it had betrayed me over and over from the beginning. It was that my body was so ugly from Noel's abuse. All I saw in the mirror when I looked at myself were the scars. My body screamed tainted, used, damaged.
Even as the scars healed, no amount of vitamin E could remove the permanent reminders over almost every inch of my skin, save my face. Even a sudden bought of blindness wouldn't hide it. For the rest of my life I could feel what had been done to me. Most of the physical damage was easy to hide. Long sleeves, turtlenecks, pants, and boots were my uniform. As much as I hated the cold, I loved winter fashion.
That was why Jared had stopped in the hotel room. He didn't find me attractive, especially when he saw my scars. I should have been glad he didn't want me that way. He might have forgotten for a moment while I was dressed and my scars were safely behind the bulky clothing. The moment I took off my shirt Jared shut down. It made me hate my body even more and my ego was bruised by his rejection.
Jared had saved my life and I enjoyed kissing him. I was willing to try to give him what I thought he wanted from me. He'd said more than once that he didn't want me. He wouldn't hurt me, not physically, but rejection cuts deep, even if he'd been clear about his intentions from the start.
It was Noel's abuse that endeared me to the Commandant so whole-heartedly. If not for the things Noel did to me, I would not have found being with the Commandant easier, pleasanter, safer. I could see now how they'd worked together and I had a newfound hatred for him, the monster. The Commandant.
Between the Commandant and Lana, I came to think of them as the lesser of two evils in my time there. With them I wasn't physically hurt, at least not to the degree that Noel inflicted within moments. Pain was part of the pleasure for the Commandant and Lana, where with Noel it was about abusing me.
I had nothing else to think about during the silent car ride in the dark with Jared. As much as I would have enjoyed thinking of nothing at all, I looked back at my past with new eyes. It took forever after I returned from Cantana before I could think of myself as whole and healed and before meeting Jared I would have thought that was true.
Now I knew it was an illusion, partly from my therapist telling me to 'act as if,' to pretend I was the person I wanted to be until I was healed. She assured me it would happen one day and most likely I wouldn't notice until it was true. It was nice to think I'd get there one day. Today was not that day.
