Becky and I slept like vines -- our limbs pleasantly entangled. My root remained planted in her moist, fertile furrow for as long as I could manage. But the connection didn't last. We woke up next to each other, with me sporting some brand new growth โ fresh, good-morning wood.
"Wood?" Becky laughed.
Wrapping her warm hand around its trunk and shaking it playfully, she asked, "Why wood? Why not sausage, or kielbasa? Now that's a filling breakfast!"
I laughed at her uncommonly suggestive comment. "Beckster! You surprise me."
"It's all your fault, Doc. You created a monster last night. You turned me into a sex fiend."
Damn, just what I was afraid of.
Trying to convince her otherwise, I said, "No you're not. It was just an isolated event -- something that just happened."
To argue her fiendish metamorphosis without words, Becky bent down for breakfast, ignoring the dried coital-funk coating. "Num, num, num."
It was all my fault. Before we met, this newly created sex fiend had been a chaste girl.
Even though, at the moment, she was giving me amazing head, morning-after regrets were all mine for a change. I lay there, docile like a fossil, trying to put recent events into perspective, and soon decided to mend my lecherous ways. I came to the conclusion that, somehow, I had to get rid of skinny Lisa. She was the bad influence affecting both of us. Her presence just amplified my lecherousity. The threesome that happened wasn't my fault. It was Lisa's. Guys can't be held responsible for opening the fantasy door when opportunity knockers come calling.
Tapping my happy-stick on the side of her formerly innocent, yet still sweet face, Becky looked at me with questioning eyes, and asked, "Do all penises look like yours?"
"Huh?" Uh-oh, this question meant trouble. "Yeah, pretty much, only a lot smaller."
She laughed. "I don't know if I can believe you."
"Why would I lie?"
She shrugged, and said, "I don't knowโฆ but maybe I should do some research, and find out for myself."
At the suggestion of supplementary penile studies, my morning hardwood began to wither. She wiggled my increasingly limp limb, and asked, "What's wrong, Doc? You jealous or something?"
A little too forcefully, I said, "Yeah, I think I amโฆ jealous, or something."
She let go of my wood, which now looked more like damp a twig, and got out of bed.
Rapidly getting dressed, Becky rather brusquely pointed out, "I don't know why you'd feel that way after last night. You had your fun with Skinny. Why shouldn't I have my fun with another guy? Obviously, you and I are not a couple. We're justโฆ" Zipping up her hip-huggers, Becky looked at me, puzzled and annoyed. "What are we, exactlyโฆ Master?"
Before I could conjure up a coherent response, she walked out, saying, "I don't know, either. All I know is, life is short, and I'm going to live it on my terms. I'm tired of playing the fool."
I laid there for a while, because getting out of bed seemed like a bad idea. In the game of life, today was one of those days when I'm a loser, and the game goes straight into extra innings.
Biding my time, I looked around the room at all the family photographs and thought, how strange that Becky allowed us to fuck in her esteemed Grandparents' bed. It felt disgustingly disrespectful even to a weasel like me. Becky must be really messed up emotionally to act so detached from everyone she loved. My bad influence had only compounded the problem by leading her down the dead-end path of moral ruin, when all I really wanted to do was love her, and for her to love me.
The debauchery in the last 24 hours weighed heavily on my conscious.
Circumstances dictated immediate action. I had to get out of bed and see if the damages could be mitigated. I had to face the mountainous uphill climb to decency, doubting that I could find my way even if I had the Dalai Lama as a guide. I'd probably corrupt him too.
The old farmhouse bathroom, with its cast iron, claw-foot tub, breathed 19th century charm and, unfortunately, the shower head spat 19th century spray. No hot water after two minutes. Afterwards, my chattering teeth made it hard to shave.
Clean and mean I went downstairs to the quiet first floor. "Anyone home?"
The kitchen showed signs of recent food consumption. I spotted a mouse dragging a bread crust toward a hole in a cabinet base. Breakfast cleanup had begun.
"Hello?"
An engine roared -- a big engine -- and sounded like it came from the barn. I went outside to investigate.
The gigantic red tractor rumbled out of the barn with Becky and Lisa sitting on the open fenders. The driver's smiling face was partially hidden by a cowboy hat, but the jaw line looked vaguely familiar.
When Becky waved to me, the driver looked up. It was my new friend, Jack Ass, from the night before. He stopped smiling, and I felt a sudden chill in the warm autumn breeze.
Jack turned toward Becky and said something. From watching his lips, I guessed he'd asked โWho the fuck is that asshole?'
It seemed likely that Becky continued with her "He's Lisa's boyfriend" explanation of my identity, because after she answered, Jack nodded and put his hand on Lisa's boney knee.
When Lisa put her hand over his, he smiled at her and then glared at me with a what're-you-going-to-do-about-it sneer.
It felt too early for that kind of macho posturing, so I ignored it. Besides, he could have Skinny. Maybe things were suddenly looking up.
Becky climbed off the tractor. Lisa and Jack drove off toward the golden waves of corn.
Walking over, I asked, "Who was that?"
She watched them drive away. "Him? That's Jack Osborne. He's a neighbor."
Jack had his arm around Lisa's waist and she had her arm around his brawny shoulders, talking close to his ear.
Becky turned, and sighed wistfully. "I've had a crush on him since the 6th grade."
Irritation in my voice, I asked, "What's he doing here?"
"His family is renting my barn. Why? What's your problem?"
"I met him in town last night. He's a jackass."
Frowning, she said, indignantly, "You don't know him. He's really a nice guy."
I bit my tongue and changed the subject. "When are you going to Topeka?"
"I'm not. I've changed my mind. They probably don't have any more information about my brother than I do, and if they did, they probably wouldn't tell me anyway." After a momentary pause, she looked away and softly added, "Besides, I think he's dead."
Even though I also thought her brother was dead, to hear her say it saddened me. Becky had given up hope.
I put my hand on her shoulder, and she moved in for a hug.
"Well then, what do you want to do today?"
Grinning mischievously, Becky said, "Come on," and she led me back inside the barn.
I began to think I was in for a repeat of yesterday's barn-boffing, until she opened a cupboard near the front door and extracted a plastic bag.
"Lisa's pot." Handing it to me, she said, "Let's get high. I want to know how it feels."
In my head the bag weighed 50 pounds, but in reality it weighed less than an ounce. Staring at the potent golden buds, I flatly said, "No."