Fae It to Mae It

Chapter Nineteen:

Nev

I held the plastic stick in my hand for the second time. The same ominous pink lines announced the same outcome as before. The first test hadn't been a fluke; I was really pregnant. I was really losing my career and my best friend, and possibly the love of my life but who knew since Beck thought this was all an arrangement for me to help him get his sister back.

My body felt like lead as I tossed the second test into the trash and washed my hands. I stared at my slowly changing appearance in the full-length mirror hung on the back of the bathroom door. I wasn't showing yet, but I'd grown almost a full cup size in my bra already. And my face had cleared a little, the usually rosy complexion on my cheeks due to higher cortisol levels fading slightly. That meant less makeup for now but only until life blew up. Then my stress would mount and the cortisol would rise again.

I sulked into the kitchen and grabbed a pint of ice cream and a spoon, then turned on a chick flick and curled up on the sofa to numb myself. Jeremy never called me when I didn't show up today. I wondered if Taylor had told him I was really sick or if he just gave up on me. It was dumb for me to freak myself out about it anyway, wondering if he'd cut me loose. I was going to lose the job in the end so it didn't matter.

What did matter, more than it should have, was that Beck seemed all the more eager to spend time with me now, taking advantage of my willingness to help him out in order to get his new home in order. But when we were together, we ended up having sex, every single time. So I'd been avoiding him a lot, making excuses like work or other plans. It hurt to push him away but it was for the best. My heart had helplessly tangled itself around his attention and I had to break that cycle.

Cici on the other hand had been completely AWOL. She hadn't messaged me or called me in days and after letting it slip that I was pregnant, I wasn't sure she'd call me back. She at least promised not to say anything to Beck until I had a chance to tell him. I knew when she gave me her word that she would keep it. Cici was upset but she wasn't a bitch. If she was, we would never have become friends.

My phone buzzed somewhere in the kitchen but I ignored it. I was in a carb coma and couldn't be bothered to move. It could wait. I was just about halfway through the movie when I heard footsteps outside my door. I hummed faintly along with the sad country duet playing on the television, my heart aching for something more than what was currently in front of me. My eyes were heavy and I had just begun to drift off when a knock at my door startled me. It was dark out now and raining outside, the patter of raindrops on the windowpane provided a soothing rhythm that contrasted with the painful lullaby playing from my phone. I frowned, realizing it must be Beck. He'd been calling me all day.

Curious but not quite caring enough to check, I ignored him and scooped up another spoonful of ice cream, the cold creaminess melting on my tongue as I savored its sweetness. The noise increased until finally, he called out my name. "Nev, I know your home. Answer the door."

I groaned and rolled my eyes, not bothering to wipe the tears off my cheeks before getting up from the sofa. The warm, vanilla-scented air of the living room enveloped me as I trudged towards the front door, feeling more miserable than ever. My heart thumped against my ribcage as I made my way there, half-tempted to open it and let him in. But I steeled myself against it. I didn't need any more heartbreak or disappointment right now and that was all seeing him would bring me.

I pretended I wasn't home, slinking into the kitchen with the empty ice cream container to toss it. As I put the empty ice cream container in the trash, I heard his voice on the other side of the door, muffled by the thick wood and the distance between us. He sounded impatient but not angry, which was a small relief. The knocks bounced off the walls and made my insides twist with an odd mix of emotions but none of them were leading me to open up that door.

Then I got a glass of water, flicked all the lights off and shut myself into my bedroom. He continued knocking the entire time. I sniffed back tears and lay back down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Finally, after what felt like hours but must have only been minutes later, his footsteps faded into the distance, drowned out by the pouring rain. In the silence that followed, I let the full weight of my tattered emotions crash over me. A sob wracked my body, and I burrowed deeper into the comforter, wishing I could somehow go back in time to undo what I'd done. It was too late, though.

The rest of the night passed by in a blur of tears, self-pity, and a lot of cursing my own stubbornness. I didn't sleep that night, and when the sun finally began to lighten the sky, I felt like I hadn't slept in years. I dragged myself out of bed, showered on autopilot before making my way to work. Maybe today was the day I'd have the guts to tell Jeremy to shove it. If not, at least I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts.

Chapter Twenty:

Beck

Tired of knocking with no response, I skulked back down to the ground floor of Nev's apartment building and out to my car. My gut told me she was home, but she didn't have a car so it wasn't like I could just look for her vehicle in the parking lot. And if she wasn't answering either she was sick, sleeping, in a bath, or something worse. Maybe she just didn't want to talk to me anymore. Which was something I feared from the beginning.

I climbed into my car and buckled up then headed toward my new home. I'd been staying there the past few nights, though it felt lonely. My apartment was smaller, homier with all the furniture. Plus I had so many good memories there. The new place felt empty without anyone to share it with and the only memories that came back were sad ones of packing to leave and move in with Gran and Poppop.

I thought about stopping by the hospital. Cici and I had taken turns sitting with Poppop for the past ten days. Gran had barely come back to consciousness and slept most of the time. She was alive, but she had a long road to recovery ahead of her. I'd already decided to ask them to stay with me for a while instead of hours north of the city where she wouldn't have the same access to quality treatment. And I'd decided something else too.

Nev was the sort of woman men like me dreamt about. She was gorgeous and successful. Her face was on the cover of magazines and commercials. She treated her body like a temple, was conscious about the environment, and most of all she was so fucking smart and compassionate. But I'd been intimidated by her now for weeks.

What sort of person goes out of their way to help someone else asking nothing in return. Sure, we fucked a few times which I maybe I was gloating internally, but I swore she wanted it. So she did get something out of the gig, but not to the measure she was helping me. And if she was willing to help me repair what I had so obviously broken myself by my foolish choices, then what if she was worth chasing? And if she was kind enough to show me kindness in my stupidity, then maybe she would look past it enough to see the real me.

I had to hope that maybe she would see the me I wanted to be, not the me I actually was. That in her heart she could want a man like me. I knew I had done a decent job at fucking things up and she had no obligation to show me even a shred of decency but she had. Whatever was going on, whatever reason she had for pulling away from me and not answering my calls or texts, I hoped it wasn't because she was upset with me or didn't want me around her anymore.

After dinner at her house I knew I crossed a line. I snooped in her private memories and she seemed hurt by that. And when I told her Drew was being civil with me and that he offered to help me repair things with Cici, she acted sad too, as if I was telling her that I no longer needed her.

It was true. I didn't need her. I didn't think I ever needed her, but somewhere along the line I found myself wanting her. I liked her presence. I liked being around her and spending time with her. She was funny and playful, and I loved being a kid with her again. In fact, I had fallen for her hard and not speaking to her felt like part of me was missing. It was all supposed to be fake, and I knew she still believed it to be fake, but to me it had morphed into something real. Something I wanted long term.

I dialed her number and when it rang through to voicemail I just left a message. I could never tell her over a voicemail what I really felt, but if she accepted my invitation there wasn't a demon in hell who could keep me from confessing what I really felt about her face to face.

"Hey, Nev. I... uh... I stopped by but you weren't home. Cici agreed to dinner at my new place. I'm having the furniture delivered this week. I was hoping you could come too. Friday at seven? It would really mean a lot to me if you came." I paused, feeling like there was so much left unspoken that I wanted to say but didn't know how or thought it wasn't the right time. "Alright... let me know."

I hung up and finished my drive home. The house was dark and cold when I walked in. I left the lights off. It was getting later in the evening and I was tired. But I did manage to send Drew a message and ask if they were definitely coming. His affirmative reply encouraged me. Things were getting back on track with my sister and best friend, but I couldn't help but feel like I'd missed some sign with Nev that things weren't what they could be, or what I wanted them to be.

I shed my clothes and lay down on the air mattress I'd put out. It was cold too, and I craved the warmth of Nev's body against mine. Because of her my best friend was speaking to me again, and while the plan hadn't exactly gone how we hoped, at least Cici was speaking to me too. I wished Gran wasn't suffering, but the silver lining remained a stark contrast against that dark sky.

Drew had told me earlier this week that he couldn't believe the change in me. I knew it was the alcohol and getting sober, but I also knew it was Nev and the way she cared for me. I felt like she was my June and I was Johnny, laid up and fighting my demons. That woman fought for me harder than I fought for myself and now I wanted to thank her.

If it wasn't too late.