Annie Marshall, fifty-five, manned the phones for the Daring Police Department. Daring was a small town just west of Erie, Pennsylvania. Annie had worked for the police department for over twenty years. Taking the job as just a part-time position and then, out of necessity, taking on full-time about five years ago. Her husband, her deceased husband, had developed prostate cancer and died, leaving Annie with very little in the way of financial support for her later years.
That morning, Patty Nolan, Annie's coffee drinking buddy, finally asked why she worked the phones for the police department
"I've been wondering for five years now," Patty said.
"Son of a bitch left me with nothing," Annie said, referring to the late Elwood Marshall.
"No life insurance?" Patty asked.
"Sure, there was some life insurance," Annie replied bitterly, "But not enough to live off. I found out he was investing in some horse shit scheme that had fell through."
"How did you find out about that?"
"I went to see John about the life insurance policy, you know," Annie said, referring to John, their insurance agent. "I kept getting John's I'm-an-insurance-agent spiel, and he avoids the issue."
"What did you ask him?"
"I asked him if the life insurance policy was as worthless as it sounded."
"What did he say?"
"You know John, he says, 'Well now
worthless
could mean a lot of things, Annie.'
"And I said, you're goddamned right it could mean a lot of things. And in this case it Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β means I'm screwed, right, John?'"
"What did he say?"
"What could he say? It wasn't some kind of mistake like I was hoping. The life
insurance policy
was
worthless."
"How much?" Patty asked.
Annie cocked her head down and raised an eyebrow, telling Patty that was not
information she was going to be privy to at this time.
"So what was the scheme?" Patty asked.
"I'm getting to that. So I have this life insurance policy and I have it on John's
desk and I'm pointing to it and banging my finger on his desk and I said, 'How could you let him take out such a half-assed policy, John? You're supposed to be our friendly
neighborhood insurance salesman.'"
"What did he say?"
"He's says, 'Now, Annie, I am that man, but you're not seeing the big picture here. I did advise Elwood he needed to invest in a life insurance policy that would take care of either of you in case something
unexpected
happened.' And I just sat there with this dumb, blank stare
on my face."
"Did John tell you why?"
"Oh, he sure did," Annie said, sipping her coffee.
"Are you going to tell me or are you just going to keep me hanging after all this build up?" Patty asked.
"I'll tell you on two conditions," Annie said.
"Don't laugh and don't tell?" Patty asked.
"Right," Annie agreed, except she knew Patty would probably break both conditions, but she had to tell someone. "I don't know if I can even say it."
"What?" Patty urged. This kind of gossip - not that it was truly gossip because it was coming from the horse's mouth - was the best kind. You knew it was the absolute truth.
"Elwood had invested in this," Annie started then stopped. She took a sip of coffee, cleared her throat and leaned in close to Patty and whispered. "This dildo contraption kind of device."
It took a second for it to register with Patty. It was the furthest thing from her mind. In fact she thought, maybe,
dildo
was some kind of code word or acronym for something at Elwood's work. He was, after all, a tool and die maker and Patty didn't know a thing about tool and die.
"I don't get it," Patty said.
"You've never heard of a dildo?" Annie asked.
"Of course I have," Patty said defensively. She didn't want to seem like some kind of prude. "I just thought..."
"Thought what?" Annie asked.
"I just thought maybe it was something else. Like for his work or something," Patty said. "I mean you are talking about the sex thing dildo, right?"
"Right," Annie said, happy Patty was finally on the same page.
"Elwood?" Patty said. "Dildos?"
"Shhhh," Annie hissed. "I don't want all of Daring to know about this."
"I never would have thought that Elwood...I mean..." But Patty couldn't finish. The very thought of Elwood Marshall having invested in a sexual toy was beyond her. She never thought of Elwood as a sexual man, or at least not a sexual man in that way. "What exactly did he invest in?"
Annie opened her purse and pulled out a folded up sheet of paper, worn with age. "I asked John the same thing. I told him that if my future was ruined because my husband invested all of our money in some crazy scheme I wanted some satisfaction, something to see where all our money went. And he gave me this." Annie handed Patty the folded sheet of paper.
"What's this?" Patty asked.
"A design concept John said. It was the best he could give me."
Patty unfolded the paper and looked at the design. It looked like a saddle for a horse with, what looked like, a post sticking up out of the middle of the saddle.
"What the hell is this?" Patty asked.
"Well," Annie explained. "At the time they didn't call it anything. What it's called now is a
Sybian
."
"A what?" Patty asked.
"A
Sybian
," Annie repeated. "They're real popular if you have the money to buy one."
"And it's very popular?" Patty asked.
"I checked on the internet. They've been a huge success. A bit different than that prototype there," Annie said pointing to the sheet of paper. "They sell for thousands of dollars."
"Thousands of dollars for a dildo?"
"Not just a dildo, Patty. You don't walk into Spencers and buy one of these babies."
"They sell dildos at Spencers?"
"That's not all they sell at Spencers. They have their own little sex shop there."
"At Spencers in the mall? Our mall?"
"Next time you're in the mall take your sunglasses, put them on and walk into the store. You'll see for yourself."
"Did
you
buy something?"
"Yeah," Annie said. "I bought a dildo, the biggest dildo they had. It was about a foot long, thick as my arm and vibrated like a jack hammer."
"What exactly does it do?" Patty asked.
"What?"
"This thing," Patty said pointing at the picture.
"You sit on it," Annie said.
"And that's it? For thousands of dollars that's all you do? I can think of a lot of other things I could spend a thousand dollars on."