5. Between the Stars:
If her stories and the previous reverend mother are anything to go by, those who witness and/or converse with the lilitu lose their minds. If so then does that mean I have lost mine too? Certainly my body is changing, but what of my mind, that part of one's brain that makes me, well, me?
I paused as I was making my way back to the convent. I seriously considered not going back.
Not because of the lilitu as such. It had been a week now. My body no longer ached from my excursions and I seemed to require very little sleep. What little slumber I did have had me back in her realm, being fucked by monsters while the enthroned harlot in the lunar ray watched me with maddening indifference.
No, it was because my progression to becoming Ardat-Lili had advanced to the point where life in the cloister was nigh unbearable now. The thought of going back there, having to cover myself with that habit and prattle that nonsense in that musty old building made me want to scream, if only to lessen the mundanity of it. Whatever made me think that I would find solace in such a dull life? No, the brothel is my temple, the bed my altar. I belong in the streets now, the alleys, those places where the forsaken and depraved lurk to indulge in their true natures. Those places where such creatures can unleash themselves upon me.
My clients, or 'devotees' as the lilitu calls them, fuck me like animals now. My presence has changed in such a way that they are drawn to me, as if hearing a siren's call, and the sight of me seems to inspire them to acts they would not usually dare to try on others. Every vile act sends shivers of pleasure through me, leaving me wanting more, demanding more. My legs open to all, I turn none away and none now dare to reject me, for I despise that more than anything. None should deny me their lust.
When did I start thinking that way? Perhaps my mind really is gone.
I sighed, sat down and looked up at the night sky. In my nakedness, I should have been freezing in the Autumn air but I was on fire, wanting only to return back to the city. My loins ached to be used so much and so often it took all my will to control myself. All that kept me going now was the thought of the lilitu, the thought of at last being able to touch her. I smiled as I tried to look past the stars, recalling what the lilitu had told me the night before.
******
"Why do you keep bringing that lantern?"
I strode in with my latest offering for her. Now that men were drawn to me and more eager in their efforts I had little trouble fulfilling the lilitu's appetites. I paused and was careful as ever not to look too closely at the bars. I held up my lantern to better see her and frowned, thinking the question too stupid to answer.
The lilitu smiled that smile that set my heart racing and caught the vial I now used to collect the seed. "Put it out." She demanded in that musical voice of hers.
"There is no other source of light here. Perhaps you have no need of it but I will be stumbling all over the place without it, I'll likely injure myself trying to head back out."
Of course, she just laughed, "Time to give you more proof that you are not like these mortals. Tell me, have you ever heard in song, or prose a description of the beauty of the stars, the moon, the sunrise or the sunset?"
Still holding the lantern defiantly I answered, "Naturally."
"So tell me, what do you feel when you have witnessed any of these? Are you awed by the beauty of such things? Are you filled with longing and wonder as you watch the sun rise and fall? Do you feel part of something great when you see the stars?"
I blinked. When I was a child my father had taken me to a field where he would walk his dogs. There we sat one day and watched the sun settle behind the horizon and the first silver pinpricks appear in the sky above. My father commented how lovely that scene was. I could only look at him in confusion, because I felt... "Nothing. Those things never stirred anything in me. I can never understand what others see in it, nor why I do not."
"Indeed! Oh Laylah you are perfect." the lilitu sidled toward me then retreated when she realised how close to the bars she was, "Since the mortals of this realm first crawled from the ocean they have been drawn to light, they have worshipped light, like moths they have always flown to the light and as a result their wings are burned.
"But for beings of the Evernight like you and me Laylah, we are not fooled by such things. The reality is that the sun, moon and every star is as fragile as those mortals, doomed to death sooner or later. The true answers are in the darkness surrounding them, in the shadows. An Ardat-Lili's eyes have no need of light, so put out that silly lamp."
I looked at her longingly, then at the lamp. I brought no matches so there would be no relighting it. I shrugged and blew it out. I was plunged into darkness, yet saw everything more clearly than before.
******
I admired that void between the stars awhile, thrilled in the knowledge that there were things that dwelt there which hungered for me, that yearned to do wonderful and debased things to me. I thought I could sense those entities out there an eternity away, doing these things to Ardat-Lili like me. How I yearn to be amongst my sisters! To share in the delights! It set me alight again and made me aware of the hunger that had been problematic for me the past week or so.
It had now reached a point when I became all too aware of my craving.
Since first meeting the lilitu it had always vaguely been there, but I had put it down to the mad lust that dwelled in me. But as I sat down for our meals with the other sisters I noticed my appetite for food was growing less and less, to the point where I began to feel somewhat disgusted by it. It now seemed absurd to be eating the carcass of animals and plants that had been grown from mud. I feel ill just thinking about putting such dross into me. To avoid suspicion I forced some of it down and pretended I was unwell.
I hungered for semen.
