The moral right of the author has been asserted. Β© "neonlyte"
* * * * *
When I was younger, a teenager, I wandered these hills and valleys, emotion stirred, joy and trepidation. On the open moors a sense of freedom, everything before me. In the tight gorges and near overhanging cliffs, I trod with apprehension, fearful of rock fall, unnerved by dimming light and reflected sound and yet I trod those paths as often as opportunity allowed. In a sense, my emotional reaction to the landscape paralleled my irrational disposition to potholing, caving in other vernaculars, I yearned to be underground, see wonders carved in limestone rock yet feared the confinement of enclosed spaces. Claustrophobia: a fear of confinement in a closed space is the dictionary definition. It is not the way it worked with me, my dread of becoming stuck in a crawl hole, wedged in place unable to move backward or forward with one hundred metres of mountain above me gave me a rush, made me do it; the pure undiluted adrenaline saturated stench of fear gave me a buzz like nothing else.
I learnt to control my fears, not dismiss them but simply control their release, exuberantly celebrating escape whether from underground or some other flirtation with danger, it became my mΓ©tier and I took more and greater risks with myself and others relishing their abandonment to their own fears, their subsiding into a sub-human babble of incoherence. It is intoxicating having control over others. I didn't have many friends.
I was too cavalier for the Caving Club, always ready to push further, breaching the strict safety procedures the club set. I could sense anxiety in others, eyes betraying emotion, smell their fear. I stretched them once too often wanting to push further into Gorbeck Cave to prove the water link to Malham Cove. We were in difficult unexplored territory. There were three of us, the minimum number in case someone got into difficulties, one to stay and one to go for help. We had traversed about one hundred metres through several sumps, water filled passageways for the uninitiated. The longest, twenty-five metres with a deep dive under a hanging boulder wriggling through silt to the air pocket on the other side. We had disturbed the silt to the extent that we had virtually no underwater vision, the first two back swims would be virtually blind. I wanted to push on, the team leader, a chicken-shit university type refused. I could see he was scared, the sweat beads on his forehead, speech stumbling as he ordered a return. On the back swim, I went in the middle with him behind me, I 'got stuck' under the hanging boulder wriggling and stirring silt until it became impossible to see. He went ape-shit, the passage was too narrow to turn round and it is not easy to swim backwards down a narrow tunnel when you are panicking to get out. After a few minutes I managed to 'free myself' and we eventually broke surface, him with tears streaming down his white face. He never caved again, and the Caving Club banned me from all UK caves.
The net result of the ban was that I never managed to prove the water link to Malham Cove, my driving ambition since my Uncle first explained the mystery of the underground streams and passageways. I considered bleeding one of my girls in the stream that flowed into Gorbeck Cave then head down to the bottom of the Cove and wait for the flow to turn red. It could never have happened, they were too terrified. By the time I'd driven them somewhere so they could perform for me they were scared witless, none of them could have made the walk across the moors to the cave. Toward the end of my reign, when they knew from newspapers what fate waited them, you could almost touch their fear, trapped in my car, crying, pleading, just like that prick in the sump hole, pissing their knickers with fright. I fed on their adrenaline more than the sex itself, goading them to a state where they would do anything for me as long as I didn't hurt them. Most became 'reasonable', once they had calmed down, once I told them what I wanted. The odd one or two I had to hit around a bit, to persuade them. You could hear them thinking, 'If I just suck him off, maybe he'll let me go.' I always let them go, after I'd fucked them. It was just that one girl, silly mare, I told her which way to go, but she knew better and headed out onto the moor. She was lucky the farmer found her, a few more hours in that cold would have done for her. Well they can't blame me for that. I was never a killer.
I'd better tell you where all this happened, where I took the girls that I picked off the streets of Leeds or Bradford. It was some distance to drive out onto the moors, but I enjoyed driving, I was a good driver, always stayed within the speed limit, never gave the law cause for concern. Knew all the back-ways, cross country roads, best that way, even at night there could be a chance of headlights picking out the girl screaming in the passenger seat. I told them first off that I would kill them if they didn't stop bawling. That usually worked. Most of them sat there snivelling, eyes averted, surreptitiously trying the door handle, but I'd fixed that, no way out until I'd had my fill. Then the begging began, it usually entertained me for most of the journey, wheedling and pleading. One girl told me if I let her out she would meet me the next night with her sister and I could fuck both of them. She took me for stupid until I hit her across the mouth for suggesting such a thing. I don't need anyone to pimp for me. I certainly don't want someone giving it up freely, where's the fun in that? I want them terrified, crying when they go down on me not some prissy mouth whore batting her eyelashes and licking her lips before she sups.
I was telling you about where we went. Sometimes I drove them out beyond Bolton Abbey to Barden Towers, a ghostly ruin in granite bleak as the moor itself, desolate, miles from anywhere; in the dead still of the night, owls hooted or foxes barked, the strange sounds adding to the unease of a town girl. Stump Cross was another favourite spot of mine; quite nice show caves though the real business starts after the tourist trail stops, good caving. We would hold up there in the car park, hidden from the road by a berm, while I quietly explained to them, through their tears, what I was going to do with them. I thought it best to explain things, that way they knew what was expected of them, though half the time I don't think they listened, not fully. It surprised me how quickly they got undressed, most of them, as if sat there with no knickers would be good enough for me. No, that wasn't going to do it, I wanted much more than just to look. My first girl gouged me as I tried to get her trousers off, after that, I told them to undress themselves, if they knew what was good for them.
My favourite place, since childhood really, was Malham. The village snuggles into a fold in the Yorkshire Moors and receives hundreds of thousands of visitors each year to admire the geological fault that created Malham Cove, Gordale Scar, and Janet Foss, the lower falls. In summer, you can climb the cliff alongside the falls that plunge through Gordale Scar and wander the fractured limestone sheets that abruptly end in a one hundred metres plunge into Malham Cove. In millennia past a great river flowed over the cliff, the Ice Age ended all that, the limestone pavement atop the cove fractured and the water found a way down through the bedrock. See here is where it gets mystical, where nothing is quite what it seems.
Set back about three kilometres north from the lip of the cove is a lake, Malham Tarn, beautiful peaceful spot, Charles Kingsley stayed in the house at the head of the lake, it is where he wrote The Water Babies, what could be more romantic. A stream flows out of the bottom end of the tarn in the direction of Malham Cove rapidly disappearing underground into what the locals call a 'swallow hole'. A stream emerges at the foot of Malham Cove and everybody thought that was the stream from the tarn; wrong. The stream from the tarn bypasses Malham and emerges at Airedale springs some two thousand metres down stream. So where the fuck does the water at Malham Cove come from? That is what I was trying to find out when those bastards from the Caving Club banned me. We know some of it comes from the limestone pavement atop the cove, rainwater seepage mostly; some comes from old mine working sinkholes, they act as gravitational points for underground streams and one group connects to the cove. I've always favoured Gorbeck Cave as the primary source, dye tests on occasion have established a link but so much depends on the level of the water table. I'd have been famous in caving legend if they had let me push on and find that link. It would have made my life. Too late for that now, I'm too fat to go crawling down passageways, too old for exploration. Still, I made a name for myself. I won't be forgotten in a hurry.