It was 1999 and we were looking forward to the start of the next millennium, listening to all the panic and speculations about the troubles sure to come after the end of the last century. We argued about whether it began this year or the next, we were told about what might happen when computers shut down, and the international crisis would result. People were worried, buying shelters to save themselves, stocking food to be able to survive the world-wide catastrophe, and even some committing suicide to avoid the chaos.
The end of the century forecast disaster was eminent and we all cowered in its shadow. Even my wife turning the dreaded thirty that year gave shivers to the meek. Would she, like so many before her, evolve into a licentious libertine lady hoping to "find" herself sexually when she hit the big three O? Well, we'd see.
It seem to hit all at once. One day she was a sane person, and the next day she needed to find out who she was. One day she was a happy married lady and the next she was Linda Lovelace needing to discover who she was sexually. Suddenly, she was morose, moody, and depressed, and never quite the same. Almost over the weekend she became the witch of the north. Things were not right, or they were totally wrong. She was either really high or lower than the Death Valley water table.
When she proposed the 'we have to talk' speech, I knew things had reached critical mass. "I just don't know who I am anymore," she said dejectedly. "I need some space," she said, looking positively devastated. I asked what 'space' meant and she said she wasn't sure, but she needed time to find out what she needed in her life, who she was, and what was important.
I let her talk, waiting to hear what she wanted to do, trying to see where she was going with this new plea. "I think we need some time apart," she said. Okay, so it was the old 'time apart' gambit.
"So you think time apart will bring us together, do you?" I said with heavy sarcasm in my voice. "You going to find yourself by being on your own for a bit?" I said caustically. "So where are you going to look?"
"I think we need to see other people," she said. Is seeing other people code for 'we should have sex with others,' I thought.
"See?" I said.
"You know, date," she replied.
"Date?" I said. "You mean fuck, don't you, fornicate with, screw?" I asked. She said not necessarily. "So you think people our age will be satisfied with a handshake, a kiss at the door after a date?" I asked.
"I think we need some time," she said. "To find out who we are."
"I think I know who I am," I said. "I am a man who doesn't want his wife fucking other men on her break from married life. I am a man who wants to stay married and do the old fashion thing, see a marriage counsellor, talk to a priest, discuss it. I don't think fucking someone new will help me see who I am," I said.
"Just for a little while," she said.
"You have a timetable?" I asked. "A month, two months, a year?" I asked. She said as long as it takes. "And you will know, how?" I asked. She thought for a minute, then shrugged. "We live in a small town," I said. "I am a married man. You think people would be fine with me asking a woman in this town for a date as a married man?"
She thought for a minute. "You can ask Claire," she said.
"Claire? A married woman I work with," I said. "You think people would be fine with me taking a married lady dancing in this small town, or to a movie? It is not like all you have to do is let guys know you are available and men line up for the chance to bed you. It is not that easy for a married man to have extramarital sex in a small town," I said.
"Claire's husband is overseas, she lives alone. She would be happy to get out once in a while," she said.
"Get out?" I said. "That's the euphemism for fucking a married man? So, you want to 'see others' for a while? You going to take your birth control pills while you are 'seeing people?'" I asked sarcastically.
"It is nineteen ninety-nine," she said, "not the sixties. We are liberated. Ask Claire to go out for dinner. See what she says."
I did ask my colleague to go to dinner, and she did accept, and we did have a good time, and I did kiss her at the door, or at least in the car in front of her house. And we did go on a second "date" to a meeting of the PTA. And I was enjoying her company, and a kiss did lead to other things, and one of those other things was a night in her bed.
It was awfully good, and I did really, really like doing it. Carol was seeing a few guys she knew would like to have her company, and she did keep taking her birth control pills.
I was living down town in a apartment complex with ten separate rooms, a bed and a bath, and a writing desk against the wall, and a tiny closet. I kept my bike next to the bed and my car in the lot. I spent a good deal of time at Claire's, and we did develop a very active sexual relationship. Sex with her was like it never had been before. I don't know if I had 'found myself,' but I had found sexual satisfaction, although I hadn't been aware of just how unsatisfied I had been. Sex with Claire was an event each time, a monumental experience that most men would do just about anything to get.