Favorite Pastime Deferred

FAVORITE PASTIME DEFERRED:

Sometimes we have to be reminded how vulnerable we are around a pretty face. This could happen to you!

Fucking was my favorite pastime, the hobby I choose over everything else. I have tried to perfect my skills and constantly improve my sexual technique. I have tried to be generous and spread my talents around, letting women take turns and enjoy the fruits of my ability. I know this sounds pretty egotistical, but I am not at all interested in longterm relationships, so why not?

If I began having feelings for a woman, I ended things with her as quickly and painlessly as possible. I kept it simple, making sure there was no chance of anything long term starting up. Usually my dalliances only lasted about three months. It was purely sex, and I was careful to keep it at that. I was enjoying my "hobby" and had no intention of that changing.

Usually, I saw four or five women at a time, never more. Time wise it just would not work out to date more at one time than that. I was always very organized about my schedule, keeping careful track of my dating calendar, making sure not to overdo it with any one person.

Last month I was seeing Claire, Lucy, Maria, and Julia. Julia was not the most beautiful woman I had ever been with, not even the most stimulating, but when I started thinking of her constantly I began to worry. When she cancelled and it bothered me tremendously, I started to get nervous about my feelings for her.

After checking my phone for messages for the fourth time, I knew it was serious. When I looked at the clock and my watch repeatedly, I began to feel vulnerable, and I understood this was different and I started to worry. Could I be falling for her? Stop this craziness. Something came up. It's only a date. No big deal. I will be freed up to watch the game. Chill.

When I sent her a text at eight thirty, I began to panic. When I could not concentrate on the game, I knew I was in trouble. I was violating every principle of bachelorhood, falling into the tyranny of caring. The sex was good, but it wasn't that good. She was beautiful, but all the women I dated were beautiful, but there was a quality about her that was different. I didn't know what it was. Unlike the others, she didn't seem to care.

Maybe that was the thing. Perhaps that was the allure, her not seeming to care. I was committing every error I had been able to avoid with all the others. Since I was not interested in being anyone's husband, I certainly didn't want to fall for anyone, and I had been able to avoid that easily up to that moment.

I had not been attracted to anyone, except superficially, and I had no idea why this person was different. The only thing was, she definitely was different, at least to me. I found I liked to be around her, and she seemed not to care one way or another if I was around or not. That may have been seductive and drew me in like a magnet that I could not resist.

I sent her a text, which was totally against my policy, but I had to know how she was, what she was doing, and who she was doing it with. I knew that was a fool's game, but at that point I was the fool and I couldn't deny it. She had me hooked like a fish on a line, and I had swallowed the bait completely--hook, line, and sinker.

When her text came back, she wrote: "Kicking back at home. Chilling. You?"

I asked if she was hungry. Would she like to get a bite to eat. "Had some lasagna earlier. Could eat some dessert," she wrote.

"I'll pick you up," I wrote. "Ten minutes?"

"Make it fifteen," she wrote back.

"I'll be there in twenty," I said, determined to get the last word.

When I got there she was on the porch. "I'd like cheesecake," she said, "so could we go someplace that has good cheesecake?"

"Cheesecake Factory sounds good to me. They have good pasta, so that would be good for both of us," I said.

She agreed and I watched her get in. Amazing, I thought, how beguiled I am by this girl. Not the best looking woman I have ever been out with, not the smartest, not even the most sophisticated, but certainly the most enchanting to me.

I have gone out with, had sex with, and kept at arms length, dozens of women over the past years, kept my composure and controlled the situation, but I had lost all perspective and common sense with Julia. I still maintained I wanted to avoid longterm commitment, but I found myself doing things to undermine that conviction.

At the Cheesecake Factory I watched her eat and found myself mesmerized. Over her dessert and my pasta, I asked her to tell me about her family. "My dad is a dentist and my mom teaches second grade," she said. "I have three brothers: Monty, Brad, and Jordan. Besides teaching, my mom writes children's books. They met in college, at Stanford, and I came in their senior year.

I hung on every word. "I teach kindergarten, and all my brothers are in the medical field. Monty is a pediatrician, Brad is a orthopedic surgeon, and Jordon is a gynecologist."

I had never wanted to know about the other women's lives, in fact, I avoided it like the plague. All I cared about was what they liked to do in bed, but I genuinely wanted to know about Julia, and I didn't understand why. I also wanted her to want to know about me. Prior to Julia I told them nothing about myself and had no interest in them knowing about my personal life. With Julia I told her everything.

She asked if I had ever been married. "Not on your life," I said. "Before, I would never even consider it," I said.

"But now you do?" she said.

"Well, I would not totally dismiss it," I said. "What about you?" I asked.

"It's not in my plans," she said. "I am an independent girl."

"But we have sex," I said, "so you don't see that exclusive for marriage?"

"Not at all," she said. "You either, right?"

"No, I have always felt that sex can be recreational," I said. But... "

"But you are now wondering?" she asked.

"No," I said. "Marriage fits many people's needs. It just never has been for me."

"You have had many sex partners, right?" she said.

I nodded. "As you have. I have always wanted to be free to enjoy many different people," I said. "Get to know a lot."

"My sentiments exactly," she said.

"You don't mind my having many sex partners?" I asked.

"Not if I can too," she said with a smile. "Why should I mind? We aren't married, or a couple, actually."

"Right. I have always limited my dates with someone to about five," I said.

"But we have been on more than that, maybe ten," she said. "Are you making an exception for me?"

"I guess so," I said. "I have never told any of my dates about my life," I said, "but I told you more than I have told anyone."

"Should I be afraid or honored?" she asked.

"Not sure," I said. "I, ah, just feel a little different about you. I guess I am not afraid of it with you," I said.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" she asked.

"I guess that depends on you," I said.

"Do you see us going on any more dates?" she asked.

"I'd like to, yes," I said. "Our sex is good. Don't you think?" She nodded.

You make me feel different, I guess. Could you see us having more dates?" I asked.

"I can, yes," she said. "I think we could. I, ah, feel comfortable with you," she said.

"Comfortable but not incredibly aroused?" I asked.

"Well, aroused enough to have sex with you," she said. "More than once. I don't do that with men I don't feel aroused by."

"You told me about your family. Is that something you usually do?" I asked.

"I don't, no," she said. "Usually I don't want to know. When guys start talking about themselves, I usually zone out. Strangely, I wanted to hear about you. I also just started telling you about my family. It was crazy. You make me want to tell you about my brothers," she said.

"I hope you don't think of me as a brother," I said.

"I don't fuck my brothers," she said.

"Usually," I said, "I just want to fuck women, but with you I find myself wanting to take hikes, and go to movies, maybe to a restaurant."

"I hope that doesn't mean you don't want to fuck me," she said.

"Oh, no. That should be obvious," I said. "You just make it easy to be with you doing other things. Julia, I have to be honest with you. You make me kind of change my thinking. I have been purposely reticent to get too close, to continue relationships for very long, but you make me consider it with you. I don't want to put pressure on you, but I would like to consider more than just a short term entanglement, maybe a movie or a dinner at a restaurant like tonight again, which is unusual for me."

We looked at one another for a while, then we both smiled. "More than just sex, although there is nothing wrong with just sex," I said with a grin.

"No, nothing," she said. "Good sex is good. Great sex is heavenly," she said. "Our sex was, well, not bad."

"Just not bad?" I asked.

"Not bad can be good," she said with a grin.

"Not wonderful?" I said.

"I think we need to practice," she said.

"I am willing," I said.

"You want to come to my house and practice?" she asked.

"Don't you have a roommate?" I said.

"She is doing some practicing of her own," she said. "You're sure you want to go on an eleventh date with me?"

"Would this be a date?" I asked.

"Could be a training session," she said. "Maybe be a sexual lesson. Part of your education." She laughed. "I could be your mentor. Need a teacher?"

"If I would be the teacher's pet," I said.

"We'll see," she said, "if you're a quick learner.

"I'll do whatever you tell me to," I said.

"Good boy. I'll drive," she said heading to her car.

Our eleventh time together was at her apartment while her roommate was giving lessons to a friend. I knew my policy was changing before my eyes. I had not been with a woman that many times in a row or total in a good long time. My favorite pastime was still the same, but I knew I would be doing other things with this woman for perhaps a long time, at least if I had my way.

It was a big overhaul in my thinking, and it was Julia who had caused that revision. She had turned me from a committed bachelor who avoided long relationships, into a man willing to make that adjustment in my thinking and see one woman many times for an unlimited amount of dates

It wasn't just that the sex was good, which it was, but I liked being with her, allowing myself to enjoy her company, which was the biggest alteration in my approach to relating to women. Julia made me change my goals, caused me to want to allow myself the luxury of being vulnerable to caring for someone else with the possibility of a long-term relationship.

When we got to her apartment, we undressed just inside the door, which we'd done before, but this time I admired her nakedness with the goal of not rushing it, not just having an orgasm and leaving. This time I savored the moments with her, devoting myself to give as much pleasure as I had received.

When we were done, instead of getting up and dressing, heading for the door, which had been my normal policy, I cuddled with her and luxuriated in the afterglow, enjoying her company and being skin to skin with a woman I adored being with.

"You're not rushing away," she said.

"I am not, am I," I said. "Must mean something."

"Means it was a good practice session," she said. "I think you're learning."

"I am learning I like you," I said.

She kissed me. "I am liking you too," she said.

"I think we are well suited," I said. "That would have been a death toll before. Just to have me admit it is a big step," I said.

After six months I asked her to marry me. She said, "We'll see," then laughed and said, "Of course." I never thought it would happen. I thought I was in control. I thought I was not vulnerable, but if you think you are and you meet enough women, there will be that one who will change your mind and turn you into mush, give you wet dreams, and sink the hook deep in your cheek.

We're easy prey, my friend, and lose all control around that one right female person who can make you dance to her tune. You are easy, my friend, no matter what you think. Like a fish on the line, best to not fight it and let her reel you in. We are easier than we want to admit, no matter what we tell ourselves in private to make us think we are in charge.