The emotions and attitudes portrayed in this story are based on a survey of men with erectile dysfunction (published in March 2018), and a survey of partners of men with ED (published in December 2018), as well as extensive discussions in online support forums. For additional information about the impact of ED on emotional health and on relationships, see my bio.
This work is protected by US copyright, and may not be reproduced or distributed outside this site.
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Annie sat nervously fidgeting on her living room couch, her laptop perched on her knees, and a half-empty glass of wine on the end table.
"I'd like to start out this week by introducing a new member," came the voice form the speaker. "Everyone, Annie is joining us today, and I know you all remember how hard the first meeting can be, so please make her welcome! Annie, why don't you tell us a little about your situation?"
"Hi everybody," she began, and then cleared her throat and took another swallow of wine. "Well, as Sara said, my name is Annie. I'm 42 years old, and I've been married to my husband Chet for 16 years."
"About ten years ago he started having problems with ED. I know that's pretty young, but he was overweight, and borderline diabetic. Anyway, his doctor gave him Viagra, and that worked pretty well for a long time. I mean, he just took a pill beforehand, and I hardly even thought about it. But then, about three years ago, the pills kind of didn't work anymore. His doctor switched him to Cialis, but that didn't work either."
"So now, his doctor wants him to try injections, but Chet says there's no way he's sticking a needle in his dick."
"And I miss having sex with him. I mean, it's been at least a year since we even tried. And when I bring it up, he just gets mad. But what I really, really miss is just cuddling him. He won't even hold me anymore. He says it makes him feel bad when he can't do anything about it."
Annie could feel herself getting angry, letting out the emotions she'd been holding in so long.
"He never thinks about what I'm going through and how this affects me! I just feel so unattractive... so undesirable. And I'm sad, all the time. I don't even have a husband anymore. He's just a roommate. A sullen, withdrawn roommate."
"What -- the -- FUCK!" Chet's voice boomed. Annie jerked around, seeing her husband standing in the doorway from the kitchen. He must have come home from work early.
"Who the HELL are you talking to?"
"Chet... it's just a support group. An online support group."
"And you just thought you'd tell them all about your pathetic husband who can't get it up anymore, right? You just wanted to share that with everybody?"
"It's not like that baby. You know I love you. I've just felt so alone, and I tried to talk to you. I just need somebody who understands, OK?"
"Maybe if you'd get off your lazy ass and fucking lose some weight, I'd actually be interested in having sex with you. I work all damn day and come home and you're sitting on the couch with a glass of wine!"
Annie slammed the lid on her laptop and jumped to her feet, tears streaming down her face. She saw the wineglass spill on the carpet... the beautiful carpet that she and Chet had been so happy with when they installed it a few years earlier. She left the glass lying there as she stormed up the stairs. She didn't care about the wine, or the carpet. She didn't care about anything.
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Annie sat, typing into her laptop. She'd managed to calm down a little bit after her fight with Chet, and messaged Sara to apologize.
"... I'm so sorry. And so embarrassed. I guess I won't be coming back to the group."
"Well," Sara replied, "that's up to you. But we've all been there, and I know that we'd all like you to come back and hear our stories too."
"Chet's not usually like that. I mean, he's never yelled at me like that. We have a good marriage, except we just don't talk about sex anymore."
"He was embarrassed and humiliated," Sara said. "You know where he was coming from, and why he reacted that way. You've been accommodating his feelings for years, and he isn't thinking about your needs. So, we've got to move him past that."
"And what if we can't?"
"Well then, you will have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with -- what did you call him? - a sullen, withdrawn roommate."
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When Annie finally came downstairs, Chet had dinner waiting. He's cleaned up Annie's wine spill, and even managed to avoid staining the carpet.
At dinner, they talked about their days, and their work... Chet's job with an accounting firm, and Annie's job in web marketing. They didn't talk about their fight. They didn't talk about their lack of intimacy. They didn't talk about anything that mattered.
When they went to bed, Chet gave Annie a kiss, and then rolled over to sleep.
Days went by... and turned into weeks. They shared household tasks, went shopping, talked about finances. They did all the things that married couples do, but whatever intimacy they had once shared was gone.
Sara messaged Annie several times, asking if she was OK. Annie didn't reply.
And then one day, while Chet was at work, Annie messaged Sara and asked if she could call her.
"Sara... Sara... I just don't know what to do," Annie said, her voice breaking into tears.
"It's ok sweetheart. I'm glad you called. I've been so worried about you. Now, tell me what's going on."
"I just can't do this anymore. I hurt so much, all the time."
"So what do you want to do Annie? Do you want to leave him?"
"NO! I love Chet. He has always been so good to me, since the day we met. And we have such a good life together. And so many things we talk about for the future. I can't imagine living without him."
"But you are hurting. And he is not listening to you. And that's not OK, Annie. Look, outside of the support group, I usually work with couples. Do you think you could get Chet to talk with me?"
"No. I know he won't do that."
"Then that doesn't leave a lot of options. You're going to have to take the initiative Annie. Let's work together to come up with a plan. But I need to be clear Annie -- this is a big step. A big risk. We are either going to fix this, or you will lose Chet. But you know that you can't go on the way it's been. Are you OK with that?"
Annie swallowed and took a deep breath. "Yes. Let's do it."
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Another two weeks went by, but the time passed quickly for Annie, who was filled with a sense of purpose, and hope. She talked to Sara every couple of days, to clarify her own goals, and to work out what she wanted to say to Chet.
She spent hours at a time online, learning everything she could about erectile dysfunction, and about sexual intimacy in relationships.
Finally, she was ready. It was Friday night. She and Chet had finished dinner, and he had parked himself on the living room couch, reading something on his iPad while Annie cleaned up the kitchen. She finished loading the dishwasher, then took a few deep breaths to calm herself before approaching Chet.
"Babe... I need to talk to you."
"Mmmm?" he replied, without taking his eyes from his iPad.
"Chet, put down the tablet please. I want to talk to you."
He looked up, setting the tablet on the end table, and replied with mock seriousness, "Uh-oh. Did I forget to put the lid back on the recycling bin? Spill the cat litter? What's up?"
Annie sat in the side chair, near the end of the couch where Chet was sitting. She wanted to be close to him, but at the same time allow him some space. "We need to talk about our sex life. It's been months since we've even tried to have sex. We can't go on like this Chet. I want my man back."
"Dammit Annie, you know how much stress I've been under at work. I'm up for partner this year, and once that comes through, things will get better. I promise."
"No Chet, it's not going to get better. You have erectile dysfunction, and your pills aren't working anymore. It's a medical condition, and you need to talk to your doctor about other treatment options. And you need to get your weight and your health back under control, because your diabetes is not something to mess with. Now I can't make you do those things. I really hope you will
want
to. But whether you do or not, I want our sex life back. I want a husband, not a housemate."
She watched the emotions playing over his face... shock, anger, shame. She saw his body tense, before he stiffly replied, "Annie, I can't give you that. I can't have sex. I can't please you. And you know how much it hurts me when you bring this up!"
