It was Christmas eve. Around 9 p.m. All through the house, people chatted away near the tree and the roaring fireplace while the children awaited anxiously the signal to attack the gifts. The only thing they were missing was camouflage to match the shaggy green carpet they were lying on. I suddenly wondered if they knew Santa was a 12 year-old living in Thailand.
I was standing in the corner, slowly sipping a snifter full of Bailey's Irish Cream and milk. I was something of a standout in my family: I was thirty, single, and I had a job I actually liked. But at the same time it made the whole holiday experience less than satisfying – pretty much like my sex life for the past year. I sighed quietly as I saw my cousins and other assorted family members making out to the songs of Dean Martin and Bing Crosby. I checked my watch to make sure it was December 24th and smiled. Ah, the holidays.
"Jim," I heard from far away as my aunt cornered me. "Isn't the party grand?"
I smiled as I saw beads of perspiration form on her reddened face. Even pushing sixty, my aunt was still an attractive woman. But she didn't fascinate me the way she used to when I was 10. At the time, she would come to visit my family over the summer and sunbathe while wearing a kind of knitted bikini – it was yellow with links so large I could pretty much see her nipples and her bush. Suddenly, as she pushed her ample bosom into my arm, I felt the old tingle.
"It's great, aunt Leslie," I said as I smelled her hair: Craven A cigarettes. "You look lovely tonight," I added, moving my head slightly back.
"Y'know," she said, staring at me intensely over her glass of red wine, "it's to bad you don't visit me…er, us, anymore. It would be so much fun."
Before I could answer, a rugged hand wrapped itself around her waist. "Don't annoy the boy, Les," my uncle said with a hard scowl.
I raised an eyebrow at the slur. I thought a moment about reminding him how he enjoyed playing tag with 20 year old hookers, but thought better of it. I couldn't do that to my aunt tonight.
"That's okay Brian," I said instead while staring directly at Leslie's bosom. "I've always enjoyed my aunt's… company."
I noticed his fist tightening, but before he could respond Leslie took him aside and scolded him. I smirked and wondered why I had waited 5 years before coming back to attend these family get-togethers. I'd missed the whole dysfunctional aspect of my family.
I was about to leave and mingle when I felt someone tug at my pant leg.
"Hey Alex," I greeted my 8 year old second cousin. "What can I do for you?"
"Is your dad sleeping?"
I looked over my shoulder. "Yes, he is."
"Why is he sleeping under the table?"
"Well, you know… my dad works so hard at the auto plant that when sleep catches up to him, he just has to sleep."
"I thought he was drunk on all the wine, beer, and scotch."
My smile disappeared. "If you knew, why'd you ask?"
"Because I wanted to hear the shitty story you'd tell to cover it up."
I stared at him as he ran away to play, and I swear I didn't hope the tree would fall on him. I shook my head, stepped over my passed-out father and went into the kitchen. I thought about striking up a conversation with my mother, but she was in the zone. Her face was lit up as she meandered among the guests, filling drinks and wiping away stains. Her family was together; some of then might have hated each other, but they were together. I knew I couldn't stop her; if she stopped, the state of her life would smack her back to reality.
I drummed my fingers on the table and decided that what I needed was some air. I grabbed my blue wool-knit overcoat and went outside. There, I paused a moment to look over the small yard. In the moonlight filtered by sparkling, frost covered branches, I saw a small, sleeping garden along an old green fence that had long been captured by dead red vines. Across from the garden was a gazebo; its hexagonal roof softly brushed by heavy branches looming from the old trees that separated the property from a stream that cut through grazing pastures. Even in the coldest winters, the stream would continue to live and progress under a thin sheet of ice, the cry of its defiance heard from cracks caused by the hot and cold cycles of the season. I watched my breath fly away from my mouth, carried by a Northern breeze towards the stream. In this stillness did I find the beauty of Christmas.
I walked around to the front of the house. It was a humble looking collection of red bricks and white aluminum siding, accented by the lovely cover of snow and elongated icicles reaching for the ground; it struck me as comforting and frightening at the same time, made even more so now with addition of the garish Christmas decorations. The pebbles that made up the twisting driveway that led to a small garage behind the house – trapped now between puddles of frozen water -- looked exactly the way they did the last time I was here. But their peaceful demeanor was broken by a number of blinking lights and mechanically bobbing reindeer embracing the patio and the front lawn. My parents' tastes confirmed themselves as Santa Claus sang a pathetic and muted rendition of Jingle Bells.
Moving through the overly packed parking lot, I found my cousin Ben sitting on the patio between two glowing candles.
"Dude," he said, turning his baseball cap backwards. "Why ain't you inside with the rest of our merry brood?"
"Well, they've gone from merry to being drunken idiots." I brushed some snow off the steps and sat next to him.
Ben reached into his nylon windbreaker: "Smoke?"
"No. I quit, thanks."
"Cool."
"Wait," I said. "If I have to spend the whole week… Yeah, I'll take one."
Nodding, he pulled out a cigarette from his small pack and handed it to me. I slipped it between my lips and he lit me up with an engraved Zippo lighter. I took a long drag, anxiously awaiting the bitter strike of the smoke drowning my palate. I coughed roughly instead.
"Woh… I was expecting Marlboro, not Jamaican."
Ben just laughed. "It's local. And hey, we all have our ways of dealing." Then, he took the cigarette from me, closed his eyes, and savored a long drag.
"I'm going for a walk," I said under my breath, going on my way. As I left, I looked over the house one more time and wished them all a merry Christmas.
Strolling in front of all the decorated houses, I savored the sights and the sounds of winter in a small town. I'd spent the last few years in Toronto, and although the city's vibrant interpretation of the holiday was hypnotic, the laid back nature of small communities was as intoxicating.
I was somewhat amazed at how deserted the town seemed; the light snow was filling the few tire tracks left on the street while wiping away any traces of my passage. It felt almost deserted and if it weren't for the smoke rising from chimneys and the colored lights, I could have been the last person left on Earth. However, that thought soon fled; blowing on my hands and cursing the fact I had only picked a pair of thin leather gloves, I started to walk more quickly, darting my head from left to right in search of a place to warm up.
Leaving a stream of visible breath like a train bound for nowhere, I happened upon the lights and inviting warmth of a gas station. I crossed the street quickly, paying no attention to any oncoming traffic – as if there would be any – and hoped as I pulled on the handle. The door gave way with some hesitation, but I was gratified to see the station was open. Slipping inside, I went straight for a stand next to the counter that offered coffee. Fresh coffee. I sipped from my nicely large styrofoam cup; great coffee. Inhaling the warmth, I looked around the aisles in search of the clerk.
Passing in front of the beer-filled refrigerators, I noticed a bobbing silhouette moving towards the door. I stood quietly as a young woman stepped out of the cold environment and headed for the counter, oblivious to my presence and carrying a case of beer cans.
"Hello," I said, the sound of my voice freezing her in her tracks. She slowly turned her head around, giving me a nice view of her brightly colored hair. I noticed that the bright orange wasn't her natural color.
"Uh…Hi?" she said with a slight quiver in her tone. "Have you been here long?"
"No. I just stopped in to get some coffee. It's incredibly chilly outside."
She moved away from me a bit and looked outside. "I'm on foot ," I told her.
She went behind the counter and I was struck by the grace she possessed while carrying the obviously heavy load. I neared counter as well, keeping in mind not to get to close. I didn't want to spook her. As she went about her business, casting me a suspicious glance now and then to keep track of my actions, I realized how lovely she truly was; her features weren't soft, but neither were they overly hard. She looked at me with incredible, crystal-blue eyes set on each side of a straight, yet somehow dramatic nose. Her perfectly heart-shaped mouth was divinely aided by a dark cherry red shade of lipstick. And most lovely of all were the multi-colored sparkles orbiting her eyes on her flawless skin.