(Author's notes: This is a work of fiction.
Special thanks to Jashet Hon and Candace. Their observations and suggestions made this a better story.
All persons involved in sexual activity are at least 18 years old.)
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I'll be the first to admit, there's a lot I don't know. But late that afternoon, there were two things I did know.
First, it was hot. When I checked into the cheapest room I could find, the man on the lobby TV said it was 99 degrees and 95% humidity. But those numbers don't begin to capture how freakin' hot it actually felt.
The motel was 1950s old-school -- a single row of rooms, turning two corners to surround a square asphalt parking lot on three sides. I parked my car directly in front of my room. In the middle of the parking lot, there was an oasis of dead grass surrounding an empty concrete swimming pool, enclosed by a corroded chain-link fence, the gate secured with rust -- no padlock needed. The fourth side of the property was bounded by a two-lane highway.
Second, she was gone. Again. This time, probably forever.
This morning's argument wasn't the worst we ever had, just the latest. Not much different than the dozens that came before. We seemed to operate under a single rule: whoever said the harshest, cruelest thing was the winner. Ten minutes in, though, where she usually began to hit her stride with a burst of adrenaline and endorphins, she seemed to deflate. Instead of yelling louder, instead of focusing her creativity on inventing new, crueler insults, she just slumped over and barely whispered, "Just leave."
Nothing more. No inventive criticizing my family. No ingenious insulting my intelligence. No imaginative lashing out at my masculinity, no inspired disparaging my ability to feel normal human emotions. Nothing. She just looked tired. Worse, she looked older than her years. "Just leave."
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There was a diner next door. I set out toward it, but before I even stepped inside, I returned to my room -- it was too hot, and I felt too alone to be hungry.
There didn't seem to be anyone driving toward town, only people leaving. I found myself thinking that maybe it was time for me to join them. She had been the only thing holding me here.
Based on the number of parked cars, the motel was less than half full. Based on where the cars were parked, the clerk was clever enough to place guests in every other room. Smart -- the walls were paper thin, and using vacant rooms as buffers would reduce the number of noise complaints the overnight clerk would receive.
The TV in my room didn't work, so as midnight approached and I lay in the dark, I hadn't had a bow-tied weather idiot telling me what the 'feels like' number was, or what the current temperature was. It didn't seem to have cooled much. The asphalt outside retained the day's heat, radiating it at my room like a quarter-acre-sized oven set to 'broil' and forgotten.
The TV wasn't the only thing broken. The a/c, for instance. It was one of those big bulky lumps under the window. They're always loud as hell, which is a good thing when it drowns out the sound of trucks whining by at 4 a.m. I've never understood how 18-wheelers sound louder on narrow highways, or how they can sound lonely as they pass, but they do.
This air conditioner seemed even louder than usual. That would have been fine if it blew cool air. For all the noise it made, though, it hardly blew any air at all. I tried all possible combinations of its old-school pushbutton controls. Nothing. I jimmied the cover off to see if there was a blockage I could fix. Nothing. What little air it did blow actually felt hotter than the ambient temperature, so I turned it off.
I opened the windows -- the large one in front, and the tiny one over the shower/tub in the bathroom. I hoped the breeze wouldn't billow the drapes out from the window and let people see in, but I needn't have worried -- there wasn't any breeze.
Surprisingly, the room had a ceiling fan. Not surprisingly, it didn't work. I tried every combination of the two chains hanging from the motor and the switches on the wall. Nothing. I walked up to the office to complain, saying, "The sign says air conditioned rooms."
The clerk said, "It's an old sign."
When I glared at him instead of leaving, he reached under the counter and handed me an electric fan. I sighed and said, "Really?" He said, "Last one. You don't take it, the next guy will."
I took it. It was old, but it worked. Black metal motor and stand, minimal black wire cage surrounding the blades, plenty of open space to stick your fingers in if you wanted to. It even swiveled back and forth to blow across a larger area. The room had no nightstands, so the only place to set it was on the dresser next to the dead TV. I could hear it, its lonely drone rising and falling as it oscillated from side to side, but I couldn't feel any air moving.
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A black hole of anguish in my chest told me that this time we were actually through. When I thought about it, though, my brain told my heart it was wrong, we weren't, she would never end things so sloppily. She would need things to be much more buttoned up. Maybe the word 'goodbye' wouldn't be invoked, but she would need to do something far more final and demonstrative. We had many loose ends, and she wouldn't want to leave any.
Meanwhile, I had no idea what the next move should be. I'm a doer, it's never been my style to sit back and leave things to the other person, but if the next move was mine, I had no clue what it should be. My inner voice said that doing the wrong thing would be worse than doing nothing, and since I had no idea what the right move would be, I did nothing.
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Sleep would not come. I tossed and turned, tried to get my inner voice to shut the fuck up, and tried to reason with my body that sweating was just wasted effort -- this hot, this humid, sweat didn't have any ability to cool. My body missed the point, and kept sweating anyway. I tried lying there in my boxers and a t-shirt, but it was so hot they felt like long johns and a winter parka. I tried lying there naked, but I was so sweaty the sheets clung to me, stifling me.
I went to get a bucket of ice so I could cool down by chewing on some, or maybe rub it on my chest. The ice machine was broken. I tried taking a cool shower, but the water was warm rather than cool, and I was sweating faster than the water could rinse it away. I finally lay back in bed in my boxers, resigned to no possibility of sleep.
A knock on my door woke me -- I must have dozed. I glanced at the clock -- 3 a.m.
"Who is it?" I said. No answer.
I opened the door. It was her. Wearing her red dress. Nothing with her -- no suitcase, no duffel, not even her purse. Just her. Wearing that dress. She knew it was my favorite. I glanced around the parking lot, and didn't see her car. I stared at her like she was an apparition, and if I looked away, she would disappear. She finally gestured inside the room, silently asking if I was going to reject her or invite her in. I stood aside, letting her enter.
I said, "Laura, I-" She cut me off by putting her finger across my lips.