What I wouldn't give to go back- to know what I know now. I wouldn't push him away. I was too young to really realize how special it was- to have someone like him actually WANT ME. Yes, I did flirt with him first...but it in my mind was just good natured teasing-completely harmless. The occasional comeback, double entendre, or a flippant quip to something he said. I didn't really mean anything by it. It was the way I treated all my friends- it was college after all. He was the one who turned up the heat first- making the first deliberate move. I don't think it wasn't about the proximity either (though I'm sure that had something to do with it in the beginning) as he continued to pursue me even after I graduated.
To be honest, at the start, I was actually uncomfortable with the whole thing. He was my professor, my mentor, my boss, my friend. I knew that he was married. But I also knew that his marriage pretty much only existed on paper. He and his wife had been living separate lives for years- staying married only for the kids. We had, in the past, had long conversations about the state of both of our marriages- mainly when he would drive me back to my apartment after our late class.
The tipping point, apparently, was a giant Blow Pop sucker that I ate in his class one night. I had picked up the confection at the snack counter on my way to his class. I desperately needed something to keep me awake - but not because the class was boring. It was more due to the fact that I had been dealing with a bout of severe insomnia, and this class was from 6-8 at night. Throughout class, I noticed that his gaze kept coming back to me during discussions, but I attributed it to the fact that I was contributing to the conversation taking place; asking questions and expressing my takes and opinions on various topics. However, it was clear that night when dropped me off at home, that was not why he was looking at me.
It all happened so fast. Before I could comprehend what was going on, he leaned over, slid his hand up to cup my face and turned me to face him, as his lips claimed mine. It was hot, intense, and totally unexpected. As he moved to kiss my cheek, near my ear, he whispered to me about how he wanted my lips around his cock- sucking it like I had that Blow Pop during class. His words excited, heated and terrified me all at once. I kissed him back. I couldn't help it. To be desired like that. It's SO intense that you lose all train of reasonable thought in the moment. You just feel. React. Be.
But almost immediately the guilt set in. I felt a loyalty to my husband at the time who (I found out later) was a serial cheater. I instantly pulled back and jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind me. Once I got into my apartment-to find it empty yet again- the guilt and shame for running away set in. As wrong as it seemed-to be that intimate with him-it also felt so right. Something about him wanting me so badly, that he could no longer hold himself back from acting on it, thrilled me. That night, for the first time in weeks, sleep finally claimed me. I found myself reliving the kiss and dreaming about what might have happened if I hadn't ran away. My imagination went wild and had me waking up soaked and aching.
My body's reaction to the kiss, and the dream that followed, embarrassed the hell out of me. So much so, I almost didn't go to work that morning. I was too ashamed to face him, and was completely confused with the feelings I was having about the whole situation. I was also nervous about how he would react to me running out of his car. However, in a stroke of luck, he was on a different floor of the power tower on business when I arrived. Because of this, I was able to slip into the office, and start working without running into him.
It was sometime later when I looked up to see him leaning in my office doorway, his arms crossed, staring at me. I really have no idea how long he had been there. He was looking particularly handsome and commanding in his suit and tie that morning. My face flooded with color almost immediately when I noticed him. He smirked at me- almost like he knew about the dream I had about him last night and the ache that still existed between my legs because of it. My eyes dropped to my desk as he pushed off the door frame and came into my office, slowly closing the door.
"You okay?" he asked softly, taking off his jacket and slinging it over the chair in front of my desk. It was a perfectly innocuous question on the surface, but to me it seemed to have the weight of the world on it. "Yeah. Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" I responded as he stalked around the side of my desk. He put one hand on the back of my chair turning me toward him slightly, and one on my desk as he bent to my ear and murmured "You know, you should never play poker. Your face gives you away." My eyes widened and my face flushed even more as I turned my head to look him in the eyes. We were nose to nose- his lips a hair's breadth away from mine.
"Oh? I'll keep that in mind...."
I knew I couldn't hide my emotions, I never had been able to. But at this moment, I also didn't know what those emotions were. Desire? Shame? Embarrassment? Anger? I was torn between wanting to lean in to kiss him again, and backing up and slapping him. I could feel his tie brushing against my shoulder and breast as it hung from his neck making me shiver. Having him that close to me made my heart and mind race. Suddenly, he stood up, grabbed the chair he had slung his coat over, pulled it around the side of the desk and sat down so we were sitting knee to knee.
"Talk to me." He rested one arm on my desk, while his other hand was on my knee, leaning in slightly. "What's on that beautiful brain of yours?"
"N-nothing really." I managed to stammer out. He just looked at me, raising an eyebrow and waiting. Did he want to discuss last night? Or should I avoid the subject entirely and pretend it didn't happen? I took a chance.
"A-actually, I was thinking about you... and last night." I almost whispered as I looked towards the floor. I didn't want to see his reaction to my confession.
"I thought that might be it. You left so abruptly we really didn't have a chance to discuss it." He reached for my hands that were in my lap.
"Are you okay? Are you upset? You know you can talk to me...PLEASE...I'm sorry if I crossed a line...but I just couldn't help it." One hand came up off mine and angled my face so he could see my eyes. He searched my face, seeming to look for an answer as he continued.
"Watching you devour that sucker during class just drove me crazy and I just had to kiss you. I had to know if your lips tasted as sweet as I have always imagined..." he just trailed off. The smirk was gone. In its place was a genuine look of concern,compassion, and bald desire.
"You've thought about how I would taste?" I asked incredulously. I never thought of myself as pretty, let alone in the realm of desirable or something someone would daydream about.
"Yes of course." he answered somewhat reverently. "I've thought about how sweet and soft your skin might be. How you might respond to my touch. I've dreamt what it would be like to taste your lips... both sets." The smirk was back.
"Well," I said, feigning some confidence "now that you've had a taste, what do you think?" I was almost afraid to hear the response. The nervous energy formed a knot in the pit of my stomach. What if I didn't measure up? What if I disappointed him? I held my breath waiting for the answer. His thumb caressed my cheek softly as he looked me deep in the eyes.
"It wasn't enough. I don't think it'll ever be enough." His admission had me dumbstruck. Did he just really say that to me? It can't be true, can it? Has he lost his mind? My mouth dropped open slightly with a gasp. Before I could think or say anything else, his lips claimed mine again. He pulled me in closer and slid his hand to the nape of my neck, deepening the kiss. I kissed him back with the same passion. After a moment we pulled apart panting. The chemistry sparking between us electrifying and intense. He put his forehead on mine, still holding my neck, his eyes closed. "I told you it wasn't enough."
I raised my head to look at him, my mind in turmoil. He opened his eyes.
"Please say something sweetheart. Please tell me that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. I know your pulse is racing, and you can't deny the pull between us." His eyes and tone pleaded with me to answer him. I said the first thing that popped into my brain.
"Why me? I'm nothing special. I didn't mean to drive you crazy. I was just trying to stay awake. I'm so-" He cut me off with yet another kiss. When we broke apart yet again, he just looked at me in wonder.
"You really don't know how incredible you are, do you? You're smart, witty, beautiful..." I shook my head in disbelief and pulled out of his grasp.
"You can't be serious. What did they slip in your coffee this morning?" He chuckled at that as he leaned back in the chair, tenting his fingers.
"You have captured my thoughts and imagination ever since you took my first class. So, when you approached me last
semester asking about a possible internship in my office, I jumped at the chance to have you around. And the more I've gotten to know you, and am around you, the more you have intrigued and entangled me. You are an extraordinary woman, sweetheart. Please give me a chance to show you just how extraordinary."
I just stared at him incredulously. He couldn't be serious could he? In my mind, there wasn't a single thing that was extraordinary about me. I mean, yes, my grades were good, but other than that I was just your average junior in college. Average height, a bit overweight, with a tendency towards being a bit mousy. I was stumbling through the world acting like I knew what I was doing, but was actually hopelessly clueless. I was trapped in a marriage that almost no one knew about, to a man that everyone hated. I felt like a fraud, but had no clue how to fix it. How could I be extraordinary? And yet here sat a man who, by all accounts was strong, confident, educated and poised- confessing that he wanted me.. That he thought I was something special. Something to be treasured and taken care of. My head spun. I didn't know what to think- let alone what to say- so I just stared at him.
"Are you worried about what people might say if they saw us together?" I shook my head. People already gossiped about us due to of the amount of time I put in at the office, and because he drove me home after class. "Are you worried about your husband or my wife finding out?" I shrugged. I really wasn't though..because both marriages were really just a sham. "Then what are you so worried about?" he goaded.
