Split Tree Resort Pig Roast 01

Split Tree Resort Pig Roast 01

Hey there, I'm Ben, I'm 24 and just about a year ago, I was happy, giddy and excited to be a first-time home owner and for the most part, I still am. I mean, I'm a little frustrated with the HOA agreement that I totally glossed over during the closing process and I suppose there are pros and cons to living in a HOA neighborhood and I'll get around to all of the pros if I ever get around to chapter 32 of my story, but for now, I'm too busy reading the HOA agreement manual every time I want to do something to my house or my property, sheesh.

But I do recognize the pro that none of houses in the small neighborhood has a bunch of unsightly junk piling up in the front of the properties is actually the one pro that I will acknowledge right up front. I mean, I have to balance that out with how the height of our cut grass is measured on a regular basis, but that's all I have to say about the pros and cons for now.

Oh, and to rebalance everything out, I mean, do I get even one extra brownie point for how I mow cut that weird patch of grass that is technically my neighbors because aesthetically speaking, it looks better for both myself and for the Mayfield's property next door so there is not an uneven height cut patch of grass if we cut on different days, huh? Well, I might get one brownie point from my neighbors, the Mayfield's and I don't really mind it at all since I bought a really nice, yet smaller zero-turn mower and it's just a couple of extra zip strips.

Oh, and by the way (chuckles), I made a mistake above. Just in case someone from the HOA Fort-Conner neighborhood in the city of Middleton is reading this, um, my name is, um, Phil, um, Phil Phillips because the dang HOA has the legal rights to impose fines, penalties and levy liens. Sheesh again.

[The riding lawnmower vroom, roar, sputters to a stop because the HOA President, Mrs. Hannan was missy on the stop with her cut grass height verification retractable tape measure, mm-hmm]

"[Extends the official grass cut height tape measure and stabs it down to the ground] mm-hmm, a perfect grass cut height as usual, Ben, [metal tape measure retracts back with a snap] but I'm going to deduct one brownie point anyways, mm-hmm because those of us who spy on you with our binoculars from our windows, mm-hmm, we know that your neighbor, Mrs. Mayfield, delivers a cold bottle of water to satisfy your thirst needs, mm-hmm and we all know that the way she drops the bottle and then bends over to pick it up, mm-hmm, is not by accident, Ben, mm-hmm!"

"[Sip, sip], Mrs. Hannan, you and all the other desperate housewives have that half wrong."

I mean, sometimes, folks, half wrong can be exactly the same as totally right, right?

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, us desperate and horny housewives have military grade binoculars, Ben, and mm-hmm, we all know that Mrs. Mayfield wears thin white garden shorts and black undies that only cover half of her booty cheeks, mm-hmm, when she's seducing you, mm-hmm!"

Well, it was a pretty nice 45 degrees angle cut across Mrs. Mayfield's booty cheeks.

"Mm-hmm, and that's all I have to say, Ben, except for since you'll be first twenty something home owner that is in attendance at our annual HOA sponsored Hawaiian Luau Pig Roast down the Split Tree Resort, mm-hmm, I'll just say it first because if a couple of things go bump, hump and thump after dark, mm-hmm, between us, Ben, that's okay because I do remember things, mm-hmm, things that go bump, hump and thump in the night can be fun and needed [places hands on wide hips], so?"

"[Sip, sip] Mrs. Hannan, let me ask you something, are you bringing a fabric measure with you this weekend, huh?"

"Oh [bats eyes], I hadn't planned on packing a sewing fabric tape measure, but, mm-hmm, I promise you that since it's a resort pig roast weekend, you can seduce me out of my morning or afternoon bra and just read the size tag and mm-hmm, I won't fight back, Ben, not at all, because as I remember sex, men love it when a woman slowly removes her bra to start things off, so?"

"Oh, mm-hmm [sip, sip] because my thoughts are that I use the fabric tape measure you after you slowly removed your bra and then I measure your HOA bare boobs by their lengthwise, Mrs. Hannan, from the beginning of the heave, down to the tip nip, you know, just to make sure they fit into your pig roast coconut bikini cup top and if I have to hold your tits in my mouth to get an accurate measurement, then sobeit then [sip, sip]."

Well, I saw that in a MILF Boobs battle meme once. Well, I think it was more like a GILF Boobs battle meme, but it's all the same thing, right?

"[Begins to pant] well, Ben, I'm starting to feel a little flushed now all of a sudden and..."

"Oh [sip, sip], unless you think it would be a better measurement, Mrs. Hannan, if you were to remove your bra and then straddle my body while on your hands and knees so they hang straight down for the longest measurement possible because I might keep score [sip, sip], so?"

Um, that wasn't in the GILF boobs battle meme. I added that.

"[Begins to faint] um, Ben, I'm just going to walk home now and pack a soft measuring tape in my luggage bag then and I'm staggering away now because, mm-hmm, I'm about to faint from becoming flushed, but, um, um, well, I need to go pass out now, but I'm looking forward to this weekend more than ever now and I promise no fighting back unless that's how you like it, Ben, goodbye!"

"[Sip, sip] oh, and Mrs. Hannan, be sure to bring your metal retractable tape measure too because..."

"[Fainting] mm-hmm, because you won't fight back if I hold you in my mouth while I measure it, Ben, because I promise you, if you measure me, then I'm measuring you! I'm also approving your latest HOA request to construct a shed in your backyard."

Well, I need a backyard shed because my garage is just a two car garage and not a 2 1/2 car garage and my zero-turn mower takes up too much space to park both of my SUV's in it at night because the HOA agreement says "if you have two vehicles and you have a two car garage, mm-hmm, clear your driveway after dark, mm-hmm" and I'm having a hard time letting go of my 3 three years old red SUV since it had been trouble free since I bought it.

"[Enter stage right, Mrs. Mayfield with a fresh bottle of water for Ben] oh, I'm not even going to ask why that old bitty is stagger stepping home, Ben, mm-hmm! But I wanted to let you know that I'm still deciding over wearing a coconut shell bikini top for maximum stuffing coverage or a sea shell bikini top, which barely hook flips over my nipples and could be considered as pasties from the sea and you can chip in on that decision. Also, since it's a neutral territory weekend down at the resort's luau pig roast, mm-hmm, I won't fight back if a couple of things happen between us that I could never explain to my lousy hubby, if we were to get caught doing those couple of things, so?"

[Mm-hmm, the bottle of water slips right through Mrs. Mayfield's fingers and it's never a good idea to bend over and stand up too quickly during the heat of day in August, mm-hmm]

"[Sip, sip] well then, Mrs. Mayfield, here's to breaking the ice [sip, sip] in my favor, but listen, my resort brochure had the back cover torn off, so, what are the kinds of a 'couple things' that couldn't be explained if we got caught doing them might have been listed on the back of your resort's brochure [sip, sip], huh?"

[Some women just manage to pose like that while speaking]

"Mm-hmm, on the low end, Ben, I couldn't explain to that old bagger why our stud twenty something neighbor was taking so long adjusting my boobs into my novelty luau bikini top in the dark restroom hallway in the resort's Community Hut or maybe even out on the resort's pond dock during the bonfire luau pig roast. And on the high end, mm-hmm, it would be way beyond me how I would explain why I was proving to our twenty something neighbor stud that I was wearing undies under my grass skirt without fighting back during a preview dress rehearsal in your cabin the Friday night before the party, mm-hmm! And I think that you're going to like how teeny and tiny my grass skirt undies are going to be, mm-hmm, and if you like roasting your little piggie, who needs a good roasting, Ben, more like a doggie, mm-hmm, I couldn't even explain to the hubby how I fell to sleep that Friday night with such a smile on my face, mm-hmm. Also, Ben, I couldn't possibly flash more green lights, mm-hmm, so, challenge me to flash you all weekend, Ben!"

(Chuckles) folks, did I mention that I love living in this HOA neighborhood more and more as each day passes?

"[Sip, sip] okay then, Mrs. Mayfield, I look forward to challenging you several times this weekend and a gentle knock at my cabin door for a personal preview of your grass skirt fitting Friday before the pig roast party on Saturday because that sounds like something that would be hard to explain to literally anyone [sip, sip], so?"

"[Leans forward because guys like a preview of what's going to be stuffed into coconut shells] mm-hmm, and here's to looking forward to doing as many things as possible that we shouldn't do, yet, I'm hoping all of those things end up being amazing, goodbye, Ben."

LOL, I made note of those unexplainable things that we shouldn't. And double checked the HOA rules for approval of things that we shouldn't do because mm-hmm, the HOA agreement covers everything!

"[Another shuffle stepping up the sidewalk] mm-hmm, I see that the shirtless stud of the neighborhood somehow manages to cut his grass and still manages to flirt it up with the women, mm-hmm!"

"[Sip, sip] Mrs. Branner, I once heard on a TV show where a farm lady said "you would be surprised what you can get done when it all needs to get done" and that's the truth [sip, sip], so?"

"[Hands on hips must be a standard pose] oh, Ben, you can tell that TV lady that, mm-hmm, with just the slightest hint, mm-hmm, you could get it done with me, mm-hmm, and I promise you, Ben, I won't fight back, mm-hmm! And I hope that I get to prove that to you this weekend and that's right, I said it first, Ben, because even a quickie would feel like an hour to me since I haven't been done in over 12 years and if it's while I'm still wearing my grass skirt during the HOA luau pig roast party itself, mm-hmm, I already checked out how the fringy grass reeds will split in the front or in the back for easy quickie access, mm-hmm. And by the way, Ben, a quickie doesn't need to be gentle nor rough, mm-hmm, it just needs to be for 15 minutes! At a time! For as many times our resort weekend allows, goodbye!"

Well then, you see folks, as I said before, I highly, highly recommend living in an HOA community!

[Teeny tiny shuffle steps up the sidewalk]

"Mm-hmm, I'm here to make false accusations against you, Ben, all regarding your grass cutting skills, mm-hmm!"

"[Sip, sip] you mean my perfect angle cutting and perfect zig zag back to smooth out the mower tracks and the perfect grass reed height cutting skills, Mrs. Perkins [sip, sip]?"

"Mm-hmm, not those skills, Ben, but how my twin 18 years old nieces, Bibi and Gigi, came to have their grass skirts cut into mini grass skirts, not to mention dyed goth black and even more not to mention how their sea shell bikini tops came to be spray painted purple and black, mm-hmm!"

Well, Bibi and Gigi clean my house, appropriately mind you and what was I going to do? Let two twins mess around and run amuck with scissors and spray paint?

"[Sip, sip] now, Mrs. Perkins, you must know that I've always been appropriate with your nieces and I saw less of their bare legs while I was trimming their grass skirts then some of the shorts that they wear anyways and I swear it, it was all 99% minus 7% appropriate, so, why the false accusations, huh?"

"[Bats eyes] oh and I very much believe you about all that, Ben, but since I've already gone ahead and made false accusations against you, mm-hmm, I should be punished by spanking, mm-hmm! And that's right, Ben, I speaking first and I'm definitely available to you in any position you like and mm-hmm, I pulled out my old geometry book and the angles work out that your man part will find just the right angle to get all up in there in my lady parts and stake me in place while I squirm across your lap as you turn my booty cheeks red, mm-hmm!"

(Chuckles) I must have taken a sick day from school when Mrs. Battle-Axe taught that lesson, mm-hmm!

"[Sip, sip] really, Mrs. Perkins, my man part and your lady parts [sip, sip]?"

"Fine, Ben, your stud cock can take and have my pussy! And for being shy about sex talking, mm-hmm, you should punish me one extra time, I'll snatch the big brimmed school teacher red eye glasses that I left sitting on top of my old geometry book and knock on your side door about 8pm tonight for your tutoring lesson about punishing a woman proper and in advance of the weekend, mm-hmm, goodbye!"

"[Sip, sip] oh, hold up, Mrs. Perkins, because since your lips will be red tonight and your eye glasses will be red and both of your booty cheeks will be slightly red from detention class and since your underneath lingerie will probably be red and since red is the common factor here and since red has three letters in it..."

"[Squints eyes and crosses finger] (please, please don't say since I have three holes, please, please!)"

"And since you live just three doors down with your underperforming hubby, I mean..."

"[Whew!] Ben, if you can go three times, then, as your Wednesday night MILF girlfriend, then so can I, goodbye!"

Well, they say things come in three's, right folks?

[A confusing half skipping, half dragging footsteps down the sidewalk]

"Mm-hmm, Ben, Gigi and I are here to eye bat flirt your old red SUV out of you for the weekend because our shared old clunker may not make it down the resort this weekend and since red and SUV both have three letters in them [each eye bat, each eye bat, each eye bat], mm-hmm, so, did we just win, Ben?"

Well, they do clean my house three times a month, so.

"Well, only because you both know where I keep the key fob to my old red SUV and only because my name has three letters in it, so, fine."

"Mm-hmm, thank you, Ben and we know where you keep some cash, so, thank you for that too because mm-hmm, we've been monitoring the HOA MILF group texting and mm-hmm, you're going to be way too busy this weekend to even have a chance to spend any cash up in town anyways, mm-hmm. Also, we texted our friends and made it clear that they should be jealous that we have the best HOA sugarless sugar daddy ever, mm-hmm!"

LOL, sugarless sugar daddy! Which I really need to stop doing!

"And since sugarless sugar daddy has so many letters in it, Ben, here, speak to this girl on my speaker phone [pushes call and speaker without approval], okay?"

Well, I was still counting the letters when the next thing that I knew...

[Ring, ring, ring]

"Hello, this is Twiddle Dee from the Split Tree Resort front desk and I'm fresh off my first guest hosting gig up in the big city's Kelli's Closet nightclub, where I was a big city, big hit and I'm still counting how many hot guys flirted with me, hit on me and generally crushed on me, mm-hmm! I'm also fresh out of my failed eggs and bacon relationship, but I'm sure the ying to my yang is just beyond the horizon and I'm sure we'll find each other before my next guest hosting gig at Kelli's Closet, but I can hang on if it takes until my guest hosting gig across town in the big city's Kandi's Korner nightclub. And if you're calling about cabins for the weekend, mm-hmm, we're basically sold out and reserved for the big city's annual HOA sponsored Hawaiian Luau Pig Roast and I'm holding a couple of cabins for a trick I'm working on, so, why are you calling me then, hmm?"

"Oh, Twiddle Dee, I wasn't expecting any of that at all, but I wasn't expecting to call you today either, so I don't know why I calling except for dualling Daisy Dukes, I mean, well, anyways, my name is Ben, Ben Benjamin and I'm sure I'm about to be tricked, so, let the games begin, I guess."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, because you've been eye batted into upgrading a cabin for the next gen of hot goth chicks that you know, Ben Benjamin! [Tap, tap, tap] it's all right here in my data base and there's no shame in that, none whatsoever, Ben Benjamin. Anyways, Ben Benjamin, have your two friends, who have your sugarless sugar daddy butt wrapped around their sugar free fingers, mm-hmm, explained to you about gifting me and have they given you permission to use Bar Bunny, Bunnie as your grass skirt cutting live model for our staffs grass miniskirts because, mm-hmm, my next future boyfriend might have a problem with how many times you accidently loose your grip on the scissors and have to grip a thigh to regain your balance, hmm?"

"(Giddy giggling) oh, Twiddle Dee, it's us, Bibi and Gigi and Ben, just doesn't have a lot of free time to watch the news for all of the middle-age women in the HOA, who need some sex, are constantly beating on his front door all the time, so (giggles), we'll take care of gifting you with a couple of nice haul kits for him, but (giggles) tell him what he has missed on the news that Gale Storms from TV3 News reported on a little while back (giggles)."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, you mean how publishers around the world are recalling every copy of the good book so that they wiki update and rewrite the good book with some special words about gifting me, mm-hmm, Twiddle Dee, in the section of the good book that speaks of being in fear of brimstone rain and fire and I deserve that since I've been so spoiled by big city folk, mm-hmm!"

Well, how in the hell did I miss that news report, huh? LOL.

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, the lady's cabin has been upgraded to the tall window front A-Frame cabin that angle faces the male staffers cabin and it sleeps aplenty, mm-hmm, goodbye!"

Wait, what?

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Twiddle Dee (giggles), can we quick circle back to something you said earlier, hmm? And we'll gift you nicely with a couple of nice guest hosting gig outfits since Ben's credit card is platinum (giggles back), mm-hmm!"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, I'm super shy and quiet, so I don't know why some people say that I always have a lot to say, but which of the bazillion circles are we circling back on, hmm? And I hope that "nice" is exactly the same as sexy, because I deserve that too, mm-hmm."

"Oh, mm-hmm, um, when you just said that you knew the ying to your yang boyfriend was on the far horizon, I mean, Ben has an acquaintance named Zack and..."

[Mm-hmm, Twiddle Dee immediately starts searching Ben Benjamin's social media for a Zack guy, tap, tap, tap, mm-hmm, Zack Zackary or Zack Zacker, mm-hmm]

"And Zack has one foot in the door at Hilda's Hideaway strip club, I mean, if you don't mind a big city guest hosting gig at the strip club on Tacos & Titties Tuesday (giggles), mm-hmm? Oh, and by the way, Twiddle Dee, Zack Zackery is peanut butter boyfriend material to your girlfriend jelly, mm-hmm, if only for his bushy hair, his blue eyes and his wide shoulders, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I have to pass out now, mm-hmm, um, goodbye!"

[Well, that was a brief passing out, but Twiddle Dee was still stunned, ring, ring, ring]

"Hello, this is Zack?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm!"

"Oh, um, grunt, grr, grunt!"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, Zack Zackery, this is Twiddle Dee from the front desk down at the Split Tree Resort and I'm not calling you as an audition for a guest hosting gig up in the big city Hilda's Hideaway strip club, but I'm calling for an error on my guest registry because, mm-hmm, you're not on it! Is that only because of what you're afraid of seeing what your HOA community step Auntie Gina might do during the luau pig roast this weekend, hmm? And I already know that you're going to confess that you're spied your step auntie naked once, mm-hmm, so?"