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There is a special place in hell for people who want to fuck their friends, and I'm living in it. I sat in my usual pretense of comfortable silence like we always do when I come over to hang out. Lounging along one end of the couch with my legs stretched across his lap, he leaned forward to focus on his game from the middle seat. My own eyes should have been on my phone, or even on the tv displaying the game that he played, but my eyes kept drifting over to watch his face. His dark eyes shifted back and forth across the screen. My own gaze trailed down and lingered on his mouth for a moment before sweeping across his body, and stopping at his hands while they moved smoothly across the controller.
There it was again. I felt the shadow that continuously casts itself over me darkening my thoughts and mood once more. Maybe it wasn't darkness looming over me, but darkness right in front of me. I stand on a solid ground of shared laughter, snide comments, and exchanges of trust and familiarity, yet a lingering feeling leads me to stand on a cliff's edge. Staring down into a void that calls me to the precipice of the unknown, the risk entices and intrigues me. This lure of ambiguity would lead me to throw myself over completely. . .Would I regret it?
Would he?
How did I let myself get here? When did this feeling become so intense? Was I the only one feeling it? I force myself to shift away from the thoughts that I've broken free of a million times before, and tuck my phone away, stretching my legs across him a bit more. He adjusts for me so I can sink into the couch a bit more comfortably. I wasn't comfortable. Just the simple exchange of body heat from my legs being on his, with his arms resting across them, was enough to start a war. A ruthless debate on whether or not it would be worth it to get up and straddle him.
I finally force myself to find some semblance of self-control and turn to watch him play.
Suddenly aware of the heavy silence around me, I realize I must've fallen asleep. My eyes are still closed, I become more aware of what's happening around me. The tv is off. With how reluctant I am to open my eyes, I must have been asleep for a while or just fell asleep that hard. Where did Andrew go? The loss of the warmth I felt earlier tells me he's no longer on the couch, but there's a blanket on me. Did he go to bed?
I never stay the night. Should I get up and leave? Should I submit to the sleep I feel trying to pull me back in?
A shadow passes over me then, and I realize the room lights must still be on. A moment later I feel a hand, his hand, go underneath my legs and hook under my knees. The other one slips behind my shoulders, and suddenly I'm being lifted. I gasp. My body freezing, my eyes fly open.
"Shhhh"
"No," I say sharply.
"Relax, Danielle, " his fingers dig into me when I flinch, but what has me still is the way that sexy voice of his slides down my spine. The way he always says my full name instead of just calling me "Danni" like everyone else does, makes me want to clench my thighs together.
"I don't want to drop you." He warns as if he actually would. On accident? Never. On purpose? Probably.
"Why are you picking me up? Put me down!" I'm wiggling, bordering on flailing.
"I'm just taking you to bed. I got you. Me big strong man remember?" He chuckles but I think he's mostly laughing at my panic than his own joke.
"No, no, I can walk."
He sets me down easily, and I waiver a bit when I'm on my feet and realize I'm still a bit sleep delirious. I start looking for my stuff anyway.
"My room is that way."
I turn to look at him, and his eyebrow is raised at me like there's no other option here.
"I didn't mean to fall asleep, I was going to grab my stuff andβ"
"You're not leaving now, it's late."
I can't help my eyes narrowing. "I'll be fine"
"I wasn't asking, Danielle."
The silence that passes between us is heavy. My eyes land on my bag, then move over to the door. When I look back at him I know he's reading me like a book, and that pisses me off. His smile is widening.
"That would be pointless."
He's right. I should know better than to challenge someone who is practically a foot taller than me and works out as a hobby, but I launch for my bag anyway. The four steps it would take me to get there takes him two and with him having a much longer reach than me, he grabs my bag easily as I miss by an embarrassing amount. To my shock, he turns and
throws
my bag through the kitchen and down the hallway that leads to his bedroom, all my shit flying out and scattering across the kitchen.
My mouth falls open at him, and there's a fire in his eyes when he turns to look at me.
"What the fuck!"
His eyes move over to the front door behind me. "If you can touch the doorknob, I'll take you home."
"I can drive myself."
He shrugs and pushes his hair out of his face like he's getting ready for me to take him up on his game.
I cross my arms and plant my feet. As a thought crosses my mind, I can't help but have my own arrogant smile.
"Go pick my shit up," I demand.
We stare at each other, just standing there a couple of feet apart, neither of us moving.
I shrug then. "You'll have to eventually."
"Why is that?"
"Because you hate a mess. I can just go without most of that stuff, I'm just going to leave it there."
"I can throw it away."
My eyebrows raise, "Oh! Okay!" I stomp past him into the kitchen. Going straight to his silverware drawer, I pull out the separator with all the utensils in it, "You can throw these away too then," and dump them in a loud scattered mess across the floor.
He's not smiling now, and I'm laughing.
"Childish."
Now I'm really laughing, head thrown back and everything.
"So, throwing my bag across the room wasn't childish?" I'm laughing again, and move to another drawer.
He's behind me now, looming over me to hold the drawer closed so I can't open it. I lean my head all the way back to look up at him. "What's wrong?" I mock smiling, but my smile slowly fades when I realize he's not looking me in the eyes, he's looking at my mouth, and my neck. I can't tell from the look on his face if he wants to kiss my neck or break it. I feel exposed all of a sudden, and I straighten as he backs away from me. I should let this drop between us... but I can't.
"Pick all of this up, and I'll pick your stuff up." He offers. A truce?
"Mmmm," I pretend to debate, "make me."
Who took all the air out of the room? He is so still and quiet, and I can tell he's really weighing the pros and cons. Disappointment falls on me when he turns away from me. For a moment I wonder if he's going to go pick up my stuff, but he just starts heading down the hall to his room. Maybe it was my imagination, but he seemed to be stomping a little.
God help me, but I opened that drawer, started pulling spatulas and other cooking utensils, and started dropping them onto the floor. One by clattering one. It sure was quiet down that hallway. After about the 4th item, embarrassment started settling in. Was he really not going to come back out here? Embarrassment turned to annoyance.
"Pussy," I blurted.
I couldn't just let it go. I grabbed a big handful of whatever was left in the drawer and dropped it on top of the silverware.
I heard the footsteps coming then. I started laughing. It sounded antagonistic, but the sound of footsteps coming toward me made me nervous. I've never seen him mad before. I moved to a cupboard just in time for him to turn the corner and see me. He moved a lot faster than I thought he could for his size.
"Enough," He put his hand over my wrist in a warning.
"What's the matter? Not man enough to swallow your pride and go pick up my stuff?