James was sitting on the table at the party, chatting and smiling at friends as everyone picked through the pile of crawfish spread on the newspaper. I was able to watch him from a distance for a few seconds before I had to go back with the beers. He smiled and took his beer, his fingers resting maybe a little too long against my own before the cold glass slid from my hand. I knew I was reading too much into things, but I had given in to the fact of having a crush on my best friend more than a year ago.
I was jolted from my thoughts when Amanda slid into his lap and laid an over-the-top kiss on his lips. Those lips I had longed to kiss had been hers for the entire year I had been left pining for him. She looked at me and smiled, unaware of my thoughts as she grabbed one of the small crustaceans from the table and noisily slurped the fat from the head before easily slipping the tail meat out of the shell.
My nose wrinkled as I set my beer down, "Ugh, how can you do that?"
"What, suck the heads?" She asked.
"Yeah, it's so gross." I split three crawfish in half and pushed the heads her way.
"You've just never tried it," she took the heads and offered a couple to James, but I knew he wouldn't do it. She pouted at him for not trying and then took them all for herself.
"I've tried it," James said. "And I agree with Jesse. The fat is only good for cooking."
I ate a handful more of the tasty red creatures before downing my beer. The whole town seemed to have turned out for the picnic lunch party, and everyone looked to be having a blast.
Amanda was trying to convince James to try the head fat and he was almost laid back across the table trying to avoid it. I rolled my eyes, "I think I'm going to go, guys."
James sat up and waved the offending crawfish head away from his face, "Why? It's only one. We can't eat all of this by ourselves." As if on cue, another pot of crawfish was dumped out on the table and a crowd of people wandered over to the fresh food.
"My dad packed me a couple coolers to take home. You'll just have to come over and help make etouffee in a few days."
It was Amanda's turn to wrinkle her nose, "That's too much work even if the etouffee is divine."
I wasn't inviting you,
I thought to myself as I smiled. "I'm making pork chops beforehand so we don't eat all the crawfish."
They mocked me with whining voices as I walked back toward my truck. I hadn't been kidding when I said my dad had packed two coolers. They took up most of the bed of the vehicle. I'd have enough tail meat to feed a small army, and the worst part was I'd get to shell it all on my own tonight.
*~*~*~*
It was almost nine o'clock by the time I was done peeling both ice chests full of mud bugs. My hands ached, but I looked at the vacuum sealed packages of tail meat and the freezer jars filled with fat and knew it was all worth it. I had spent the time thinking about James and how much I hated the fact that he was still with Amanda. She didn't pay attention to him unless she wanted something, and he couldn't see it.
The knock at the door interrupted my fantasies and mental complaints and I went to see who it was. I gasped when James stumbled in reeking of alcohol and sweat.
"Jesus tap dancing Christ, James. What the hell happened after I left?"
He almost fell on top of me when he had to stop to look at me, "Shit, Jesse. You know you're closest to the bar. I thought I could come here and take a power nap." He smiled and lurched into the kitchen from the door. "Awww, you already packed up all the crawfish. I was gonna help wit' that."
"James, go sit on the couch," I stepped around him to reach under the sink and get the small trash can that I kept handy for just such moments. I had to push him toward the living room, but he finally stumbled away and collapsed on the couch. He was passed out before I got the trash can near his head, just in case.
My phone chirped from the kitchen and I went to check my messages. I had a couple drunk texts from James, which was about standard for a Saturday night, and one recent one from Amanda.
Hey gurl! I told James 2 go 2 ur house. Hesz drunk and im goin out.
I sighed and didn't bother replying. Maybe she would sleep at one of her other friends houses and I wouldn't have to deal with her as well as James. Grabbing a book, I curled up on the recliner while James started to snore.
---
I had fallen asleep on the chair when I felt someone touching my face. I swatted at them and tried to get back to my dreams, but they wouldn't go away. James was sitting on the arm of the chair when I finally opened my eyes to glare at the hand that had woken me.
"You talk to me in your sleep, you know that?"
Shit, what had I said?
I had been dreaming about him again. Hopefully I hadn't said anything too embarrassing. "What did I say?"
"Oh, just that I was drunk and I better not throw up on your floor. I didn't, by the way. I made it in the bucket."
He seemed really sober compared to when he had entered my house, and I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was six in the morning. I groaned and tried to go back to sleep.
"Oh no, you don't. Get up and go to bed. I'll crash on the couch until it's a decent hour to leave."
"You don't have to stay out here," I gasped after the words left my mouth, and covered my face with my hands. Had I really just said that?
James looked at me as he stood. his brown eyes soft as he smiled at my shock and embarrassment. He knelt in front of me and pulled my hands away from my face and held them in his own rough ones. Slow and tentative, as though he were scared, he reached out and touched my face again. His thumb skimmed lightly over my bottom lip and I shivered. With a sigh that was almost a groan he slid his hand behind my neck and pulled me to him.
His lips were softer than I had imagined, and my body started to warm in response. The kiss deepened as he ran his tongue over my lips and I opened for him. I sucked on his bottom lip and he did moan that time, pressing me into the back of the seat as he insinuated himself between my knees.
He broke the kiss with a curse and stood back up. "I have to go, Jesse. We shouldn't do this. I'm sorry." The words cut me like a knife and I cringed when the door slammed shut. I curled into the chair and cried myself back to sleep.
*~*~*~*
The next few days passed and I didn't see James at all. Once, I saw Amanda coming out of the small grocery store with puffy eyes as though she'd been crying but I thought nothing of it. The kiss James and I had shared still haunted me. Just the thought of it would bring the feelings rushing back, but then I would remember his words as he left and I would be near tears again.
Almost two weeks later I was bartending for a little extra cash when James walked in with a couple friends. He looked at me briefly, but then it was as though he took great pains not to meet my eyes. One of the other guys would always get the beer orders, and I found myself wondering if maybe he hadn't enjoyed the touch as much as I thought he had. Maybe it had all been in my head. By the end of the night I had convinced myself that he had hated it, that I had initiated the contact, and I was slamming the doors to the beer coolers shut with every order.
When I slammed the register so hard it nearly fell off the bar back, the owner came over and told me I needed a break. "Go out to the beer garden and escape for a bit. You're too wound up, girl."
Kathy was one of the few people that knew about my feelings for James, and she had warned me that going too far could have horrible repercussions on both of us. I sat at one of the plastic tables, lay my head on my arms, and stared at the roses creeping up the side of the decrepit building next door. The door to the bar opened with a wash of sound and I looked up to see James standing there.
"Jesse..." he started and floundered. I knew he wasn't drunk. He had only had three beers while he sat and listened to his buddies talk, not adding much to their conversations.
