...And at linebacker, #51, Brad Marshall! The crowd would roar, my teammates would shout and high-five as I ran through the gauntlet of players. The cheerleaders were tumbling and leading the applause, including one particularly shapely blonde, whom I married and divorced in the next semester. Those were the days...
The roaring has stopped, there is no crowd anymore and the only time I hear my name on the loudspeaker now; is when the office manager needs me to drive to some other facility and spend another night at some Holiday Inn, droning-on to a collection of middle managers that don't give a shit about my presentation. Ahhh success!
I just stepped gingerly out of the shower and limped over to the bathroom sink. This once-rock hard body no longer belongs to an athlete. Three years out of college and I have added fifteen pounds of fat cells and though my arms and legs are still thick and lined with muscle, any exertion causes strains and pulls that are only squelched by aspirin and alcohol.
This afternoon, trying to relive my youth, I worked out at the "spa" on the hotel's mezzanine level. At one time I could toss around lead at hundred pound intervals. These days, through painful experience, I know better- Unless two cute young women in leotards are doing aerobics and primping infront of the mirrors.
Then I had to literally roll up my sleeves and add two extra plates to every bar. Grunting for evidence and attention, I benched, curled, squatted and pressed way too much, way too often. As I lay on the bench recovering, with a towel over my beet-red face and my fingers checking my pulse, gasping for whatever oxygen was left in the room, I didn't even notice the two women leave the gym.
I slowly rose from my torture rack, and hobbled unsteadily towards my lifeline. A canvas bag with Gatorade, Advil and Ace Bandages. Thank God those two chicks weren't interested in a threesome or I would have died twice. Once from a heart attack and a second time from embarrassment. The way I felt at that moment, if Kate Middleton had wanted to fuck me and make me the future king, I would have passed, and looked for a wheel-chair to get me back to the elevator. It would have taken a dowel-rod, duct-taped to my cock to even appear aroused. A warm bath and a cold-pack were the order of the day.
So I take one more look at the pitiful lump of flesh in the mirror and stumble over to the bed. Room service, what a blessing! Could they possibly deliver an ice-bucket, a bottle of tequila, a medium-rare porterhouse and a masseuse. Not necessarily in that order.
Well it was too late for dinner, they don't
deliver alcohol and there is an ice-machine at the end of the hall. (SLAM). Fuck Holiday Inn! Fuck getting old! And fuck wherever the hell I am!
I was just about to jettison the less-than-helpful menu when I spotted a glossy ad for a "Sweedish-Style" massage. The insert pictured a stunning blonde woman with Nordic features; barefooted and in skimpy shorts and tee, standing astride an obviously satisfied customer in thick Turkish Robe and towel. Candles were lit, incense filled the room and hot stones and scented oils were placed delicately along the spine of some over-the-hill executive on a luxury yacht.
Okay, I know that eighty percent of it was a scam and the rest of it was a sham. And with my luck, some big Scandanavian named Lars would knock on my door and offer to blow me for two-hundred dollars.
But I was in throbbing pain; I was dejected, horny and alone in Bum-Fuck, Idaho. But I had a company credit-card and they owed me a bonus.
I called. A disembodied voice methodically ran down a list of do's and don'ts. Then they ran my numbers and checked availability. "It's already late tonight, all the girls are booked. Maybe we can try you on Tuesday?"
"What the fuck?! Are you out of your mind?! I'm hurting now! I just want a damn massage. And I'll be dead, Tuesday!"
"Oh, sorry for the misunderstanding. It appears that we do have an opening. We can send Inga in twenty minutes, she works for us on occasion and she is a certified therapist and uses ancient healing arts, blah, blah, blah..."
The bullshit was flowing freely but I was a fish on a hook. There would be no dinner without walking to a restaurant. And there would be no walking without some sort of rubdown. I'm sold, I agreed to everything. Yes, run the card. Okay, Inga would be fine. Yes, I'm already showered. I accept, I can wait twenty minutes, but please hurry. And tell Inga, I'll tip extra if she brings a bottle of "Patron." She laughed, I was deadly serious.
Another endless loop of "Sportscenter" was playing on t.v. and I was reclining on the bed in only my tighty-whities and the hospitality robe. It was more like a fuzzy apron for what good it served. I could feel my aching body growing more stiff and immobile as I laid there. I had the uncomfortable notion that the parts of me I wanted loose and limber were rigid, while the part that should be erect was flaccid and lifeless. I was already hating every moment of this and then I heard the phone ring.
The front desk announced that I had a visitor on the way. This gave me just enough time to unlatch and open the door, and then like a beaten dog, I retreated to the comfort and safety of the bed. I proceeded to fall face-first into the quilt and almost smothered because I did not have the strength to clear room to breathe. I awaited my Danish Delight. There was a soft tapping on the door and I heard a lilting, sing-song voice say, "Hi, I'm Inga, and I'm here to make you feel good all over."
My neck and shoulders hurt so much that it actually took about three seconds to turn my head and face the door. By then, she had scampered past me, leaving only a hint of honeysuckle and a glimpse of white scrubs as I felt her brush past the bed and come alongside me. Again, I was facing the wrong way when I felt her warm hands readjusting my robe and repositioning my body on the small bed. She had surprisingly strong hands and she eased the robe from my torso and giggled abit at my undies. "You may keep those on if you wish, but I will be applying oil liberally and I will also be touching everything."
Her lovely accented tone disarmed me and the idea of a grown man in jockey-shorts, was plenty for me to lift my hips high enough for her to slide the offending garment down my legs and off.
Inga moved swiftly and hummed a tune quietly as she prepared to work. I heard vials and tubes being opened and candles set out and ignited. She began to sing something mellow in a slightly guttural language. Then moistened her hands with oil and started to dig into my delts and lats.
Whatever you may have been thinking about erotic, sensual foreplay, you can forget it. Her thumbs and heels of her hands, excavated my back and shoulders like I had just insulted her mother. I have had trainers from the football team twist and yank my limbs with all the grace of a hyena. And this was exactly the same, except that I was paying for the pleasure of it. The only thing missing was the stench of sweaty feet and the fragrance of stale cigars.
I was wincing in pain and grunting and yelping every time her talon-like fingers burrowed into me. "Ow, jeez that hurts. Can't you tell I'm sore all over?" I expected an apology, that is not what I got.
"Be quiet girly-boy! I'm trying to help you and you squeal like a baby." She only laughed in an authoritative manner and slapped her wet palm hard on my bare ass. "This is a terrible body, You're in awful shape. You need my help and you need it now."
I couldn't tell if she was joking or abusing me. And though I know I'm not in playing condition, I'm still built pretty well. This afternoon I was lifting over two hundred pounds before I hurt myself.
She snickered at me and plunged her finger into my shoulder then leaned her bony elbow into the small of my back. I tried to crawl into a fetal position and was preparing to yell-out my bank account number and mother's maiden name. I swear only water-boarding would be worse.