Love in Disguise Chapter 2

Nothing else was being said, nothing else was going on – no other dreams, no talk, no gestures - and still everything seemed different. I struggled to forget that sexual dream. I tried very hard to get the image of his naked body out of my mind. I made deals with myself that I would not look at anything else but Michael’s head; I became ridiculous in trying to get him out of my head – and heart. What had happened? Did one single dream make me realize that Michael was a very attractive man after living with him for three whole years? I was at a loss, did not know what to do. All I knew was that ever since that dream I was nervous around him; that just the thought of his body excited me, and that I grew increasingly jealous whenever Melissa was around.

My good friend Tracy, of course, did not think that I was on the road to madness. She repeatedly told me that it was just normal to be attracted to my house mate and that she had always thought there was something wrong with me all these years since I always seemed to treat him like an object and not a gorgeous guy. She reminded me of all those times when we had gone out together and all those women had stared at him, wanting to get his attention somehow. Only I, she said, would not acknowledge his attractiveness and charm.

So here I was, still working towards that one week of vacation in July, and as I made my way home that mid June night, I realized all of the sudden that I had not told Michael about the one week at all – and it was only 12 days away now. Oh well, I thought, shrugging my shoulders as I stopped at the gas station to get a soda. If he had to work that week, I would just take Briana camping with us. After getting what I wanted and paying for the soda, I walked out and looked up into the starry night. The cars zoomed by but not as fast as in the city, and I felt my body relax a little after a busy day at work. And then, as I got back into the car to drive the last two minutes to my home, I thought of how nice it would be to have a man in my life. I was lonely and wanted someone to love - and be loved. My sudden attraction to Michael probably did not have anything to do with him – I was just lonely. In fact, I thought, Michael was just the wrong guy at the right time.

Reassured, I stepped out of the car and walked into the house. Danny was in bed but Briana and Michael were sitting in front of the TV. We talked for a minute or two, and on my way into the kitchen I said ‘Oh hey, Mike, I forgot to tell you that I have a week of vacation coming up in a little less than two weeks.’ There was silence for a while but when I walked back into the living room with a sandwich in my hand, I had made up my mind. ‘I want to go camping up in Maine, and Briana is welcome to come with us if she wants.’ Briana was more excited than I had anticipated. I was pleasantly surprised. But then Michael took me aback. ‘It looks like we have the same week off, then,’ he said plainly, still looking at the TV. ‘Well, then I can still take Briana while you and Melissa go on a vacation,’ I offered. But he shook his head. ‘I have a better idea: Why don’t we all go camping together? – just the four of us.’ I did not know what to say. While Briana was very excited, I just felt like yelling at him. He had sat back on the sofa and he was so damn sure of himself. I wanted to wipe that smile off his face. ‘No, I do not want to spend a week with you,’ I wanted to say but I bit my tongue. Instead, I just walked up the stairs, saying ‘We’ll see.’

This time, he kissed me. First I felt only his lips on my mouth, then his tongue teasing my upper lip until I opened my lips slightly and let my tongue come in contact with his. I tried to wrap my arms around his neck to pull him on top of me, but he held on to my wrists and kept my arms raised over my head on the sheets. Except for his hands on my arms, I only felt his tongue exploring my mouth, and it took a while to realize that it was me moaning on his lips. I wanted to touch him, wanted to pull him to me, wanted to feel him on me, inside of me.

I panted as he shifted on the bed and his bare chest came in contact with my naked skin. Placing one knee between my thighs, he laid down on top of me, still supporting most of his weight with one elbow. I moved underneath him, trying to get closer, trying to get a better feeling of his thigh rubbing against my pussy. ‘Don’t tease me, baby,’ I said, trying to free my hands. He actually let go of my wrists, then, but let the palms of his hands slide down the inside of my arms, still holding them down. He moved lower, his hands sliding down further, parting my thighs more as his tongue reached my belly button.

It was impossible to lay still. I desperately tried to hold on to something but could not find anything. His tongue left long trails on my skin all the way down to my trimmed pussy. His moan came from deep inside as his fingers parted my pussy lips, and when he lapped at my pussy and closed his lips around my clit to suck on it gently, my fingers dove into his hair and pulled his face right into my pussy.

The knock on the door startled me. ‘What?’ I asked loudly, still not sure where I was. ‘Did I wake you?’ came Michael’s voice from the door as he opened it a bit to peek into my room. ‘The light was on so I thought I step in for a little talk before I go to work.’ I looked at him as he came in and closed the door behind him. Why did he have to wear these old tight shirts and pants around the house? Didn’t he know it drove women crazy?

I started to sit up and scooted over to the side of the bed as he attempted to sit down on the other when I noticed that my nipples were hard and clearly visible under the thin cotton shirt. I folded my arms in front of my breasts and looked into Michael’s eyes. ‘What’s the matter?’ I asked, trying not to think of how turned on I was. It’s not him, I told myself. I am just horny. It could be anybody.

‘I think we need to talk,’ Michael said, looking at me directly. ‘I feel like you are uncomfortable around me all of the sudden. I feel like you are trying to avoid me, and it hurts me.’ Good grief, I thought, how many therapy sessions did this man have behind him in order to talk like that? Aloud, I said ‘I am stressed out and confused. I will get over it. Never mind me.’ I couldn’t stand him looking at me, so I tried to focus on something else. But all I could think of was my dream, so I returned my eyes to his face. ‘I do mind!’ Michael said, a confused look on his face. ‘I miss coming home and watching TV with you. I miss having breakfast together. You know, I just miss being around you.’ He tried to find the right words. ‘I just want to know what is going on.’

I wanted him. I wanted him so badly right then that I could not stand it. I wanted to straddle him and fuck his brains out. My pussy was aching for his touch, and I knew I just had to reach over to get it. ‘I cannot go on vacation with you, Michael,’ I said, trying to keep my voice from trembling. ‘Why not?’ came the question, promptly. ‘We have been going on vacation together before. What is the big deal?’ I stood up and walked to the window even though I could not see a thing in the darkness outside. ‘The big deal is that I am confused right now. Something has changed and I don’t know why.’ I turned around and looked at him nervously, raising my hand as to show him that I was at my wits end. ‘All of the sudden you have become attractive – to me. I have dreams in which you make love to me…’ I was searching for words but he interrupted me. ‘I think it is very flattering that you find me attractive. I can live with that.’

‘But I cannot live with it,’ I burst out and sat down on the chair by my desk. ‘You are my friend, my housemate, my babysitter… I don’t want to feel anything sexual for you. It scares me.’ There was a silence for a few seconds. ‘I don’t know what brought all this about. Maybe I just need to get laid. It has been a while.’ I tried to smile but couldn’t. I looked over at Michael, but he did not say anything. ‘Anyway,’ I said, standing up again. ‘It is true that I feel awkward and that I don’t know what to do. But I know that spending a whole week with you won’t make me relax. So please make other plans, okay?’

I headed for the door to open it, but before I could turn the handle, Michael had jumped up and come towards me. ‘I am not going to let this lie,’ he said as he put his hand on mine holding the door handle. He stood so close that I could smell his perfume, and I had trouble concentrating on his words. As I did not look up at him, he put a finger under my chin to lift it up until our eyes met. ‘You mean a lot to me and I don’t want to see you building walls around yourself to shut me out.’ I did not say anything, so he continued. ‘Do you think you are the only one having erotic dreams? I have dreamt about you being in my bed and riding me ever since I first saw you, and I learnt to live with it.’ He let go of my chin and opened the door, looking at me one last time before he walked out to go to work. ‘Don’t shut me out!’ he said. Ten minutes later I heard his car pulling out of the driveway. As for me, I was still standing by the door wondering what the hell had just happened.

It was time that I needed; and that I got up in Maine. Michael had asked me one more time if we could not spend this week together but I did not want to. So he had changed his vacation to late July. Meanwhile, Briana, Daniel, and I had taken the tent to Acadia National Park and spent five days hiking, whale watching, shopping, and just being on the beach. I had planned on staying for six days but Michael had asked us to come back home for the fourth of July. So, in order to miss the traffic, we decided to leave Maine after only four days. The kids got along great, the weather was beautiful, and the ocean did wonders for me. Up here I could see how much my work schedule stressed me out. And it was up here that I could admit to myself that I liked Michael very much. I did not know when it had started to become an acute feeling but I knew I had avoided thinking about it for a long time. I did not want to jeopardize the great friendship with this man by sexual attraction. I had been down that road before only to watch how afterwards it was impossible to get back to the friendship-only deal. And yet, I could not deny myself the feeling of attraction. There was a reason for the fact that so many women looked at him wherever he was seen, and why would I be immune to his calm presence, attractiveness, and casual self-esteem if nobody else was?

What threw me off was that he had told me he was attracted to me as well. Why the hell did he have to tell me that after all these years? It made matters just so much more complicated. I did not want to think of Michael as a possibility. He was involved with the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in person. And just because I thought of her as a bitch did not change the fact that he had been with her for two years now. I had no idea what he saw in her other than the obvious impressive appearance. He was involved with another woman. I did not need to know more than that. Some equations are as simple as that if you don’t have the ability to just screw someone for the fun of it.

The drive back home was long and tiring. Most of all, I wondered how things would go on from now on. I decided to really start looking for an apartment as soon as possible.

The fourth of July was a Saturday and Michael had that day off. He offered to spend the day with Danny and Briana and to take them to the fireworks at night. I was glad to have that day to myself. I went for a run early in the morning, went into town to buy food after taking a shower at home, and drove over to my friend Lori’s house to have a fourth of July barbeque. At least 20 people were having a good time in Lori’s backyard when I arrived with more hot dog buns and soda.

There were people I had not seen in ages, like Bob from New Jersey who had been the best man at Lori’s wedding five years ago and who had helped me cheat on the final Psychology exam at college. There were John and Sam who had openly admitted that they were gay on our graduation day, Lisa who had brought her five kids and was pregnant with another from her third husband. There was Neil who owned the video store in town. And then there was Steve who had brought his brand new girlfriend.

Oh Steve, I thought, sitting down on the swing on Lori’s porch. I put my full plate down on my thighs and the full soda cup on the wooden planks. Steve and I had been lovers for about five months before he all of the sudden decided not to call me or go on any more dates with me. He was good looking and very charming, and even though I had no intention of reliving old memories, I couldn’t help but look over at them from time to time and be jealous of their obvious romance.

That’s what it is, I thought to myself while putting the fork down. I was not hungry anymore. I was lonely and sick of not having anyone special in my life. I felt like a little child who desperately needed somewhere to hide and cry, and I did not have anybody’s shoulder to cry on. That wasn’t true, I corrected myself, there were plenty of friends right here in town who would have listened to what I had to say. But it was another thing to go and ask for a hug and some comforting words. Michael came to mind. Yes, he had a big shoulder to cry on, and I knew it was a comfortable shoulder, too. In three years of living together we had told each other many things, and it happened more than once that he had given me a hug and a pat on the back to make me feel better. I could just go home and ask him for it, but it did not seem appropriate anymore. Even though I just needed a little comfort, I was afraid of what else might develop while my guard was down.

I had not planned on going over to see the fireworks but everybody else wanted to go after the barbeque. It was 9pm when we finally had walked all the way across town, the campus, and the fields to get to where the fireworks were being held. The back field was crowded, kids ran around with fluorescent light chains, and the sky had grown so dark that it was hard to make out anybody’s face. I followed Lori and a group of our friends as they made their way through the crowds and sat down on the grass after finding a spot in the middle of the field.

I was depressed. In the middle of friends I felt alone and miserable. And even though I tried really hard, I could not talk myself out of it. When Paul came over and put his arm around me to passionately pull me into his body, I had enough. I got myself out of his grip and walked over to the concession stands on the right side of the field. It was announced over the microphones that the fireworks would start in two minutes as I paid for my soda and walked back towards the center of the field. I found an empty spot and just sat down, sipping at my soda, as I sensed someone approaching me from behind. Just about to jump up and turn around, I suddenly knew who it was.

‘May I have some of your soda?’ Michael asked as he sat down behind me with his long legs to both sides of my hips. ‘Where are the kids?’ was my first response while I handed him the cup. ‘They are right over there,’ he answered and pointed past me to a group of people sitting about 6 feet in front of us. There they were, Danny and Briana, sitting close together and looking up into the sky, waiting for the show to start, surrounded by a bunch of Michael’s friends. ‘Your hospital friends?’ I asked. I could tell he was nodding as he moved his body closer to mine until his chest touched my back. ‘And you? Taking a break from your hippie friends?’ Before I could answer, the fireworks started, and I leaned my head back to look up into the sky.

It was beautiful; and loud. While watching that colorful spectacle, Michael lifted his arm and pulled my head back gently until it rested against his shoulder and neck. Then, he put his arms around my sides and belly where he interlocked his fingers with mine and held me tight. I did not know what to do. I wanted to close my eyes to enjoy the feeling of his warm body behind me. But then I would not have seen the fireworks. Somehow, I found myself in a sea of unbearable noise, clapping hands, and people screaming around me. I stayed afloat in the arms of this man who could calm me down so easily, and while I felt safe and warm in his embrace, my surroundings became almost bizarre. Warmth is what I needed to survive in this insanity.

And yet, the fireworks were beautiful. I watched in awe and felt like a little kid who was amazed at the beauty of light in the darkness. I looked over at Danny and Briana. They were mesmerized and had tilted their heads way back to take everything in. I smiled and then felt Michael’s hands on my bare arms. I only wore shorts and a sleeveless shirt. His hands rubbed my arms softly to keep them warm. I leaned back into him and was pleasantly surprised that he held me so easily, supporting me. His hands moved back onto my neck and then further up the back of my head until he started to lightly massage my scalp. The feeling was incredible and I did not want it to end.

But it did end! The fireworks ended and so did his movements on my body. He slowed down and moved my hair away from my right ear before he bent forward and his lips almost touched my skin. ‘You are beautiful,’ he whispered, and we both laughed when we saw goose bumps appear on my arms. Again, he rubbed my arms until they were gone. When the fireworks were really over, Michael got up and took my hand to help me stand up as well. ‘I’ll see you later,’ he said, and I did not know if his voice had really sounded a little deeper than usual or if that was just my imagination.