It is strange how even the most prosaic of statements can take on a new meaning when one has some personal knowledge of the subject not available to other readers.
Thus it was that, for me, the following item tucked away on an inside page of the Oxford Herald had special significance:
"The death of Archibald, 3rd Duke of Massingham, was announced this week. It is understood that the Duke and Lady Massingham were busy in one of the upstairs rooms of their home, Darnell Hall, when Sir Archibald suffered a severe stroke which sadly proved fatal.
He is succeeded by his elder son Robin."
Now it happens that I was until quite recently an adviser to Lord and Lady Massingham. I am a chartered accountant specializing in taxation and as such I was called in to advise the Massinghams on matters concerning Inheritance Tax. However, it is not for the intricacy of their family trusts that I remember Sir Archie and Lady Audrey but for a sensational glimpse into their more intimate affairs that was occasioned by a visit I paid to Darnell Hall in the autumn of 2009.
When I knew her Audrey Massingham was a gracious lady of late middle age. On the occasion of my visit she looked slim, elegant and beautifully groomed. Her once-blonde hair had turned an elegant shade of grey, a fact that she did not attempt to disguise by artificial means. She wore a crisp silk blouse, brown tweed skirt, tan-coloured stockings and soft brown leather shoes with low heels. The very archetype of county aristocracy in fact.
When I arrived she greeted me in the massive front portico and explained that her husband, Sir Archie, was away shooting in Scotland but that this should not prevent us from discussing the preliminaries and getting some details down on paper. I was quite surprised to find that she was alone in the house. Apparently it was the staff's day off.
We worked in her husband's study, Lady Audrey sitting in a straight-backed chair to one side, so that I could use my laptop on the desk. The formalities took no more than half an hour but Lady Audrey seemed in no hurry to let me go. She showed an interest in my laptop. Her husband, she said, knew about computers (she indicated a monitor on a pull-out shelf) but they were a mystery to her. It was obvious that she wanted some information but was skirting around the subject. Eventually she seemed to summon up the courage to look me straight in the eye and say, "I can do email and all that sort of thing of course but what I really want to do is get hold of some pornography. Do you know how to do that? "
I was so flabbergasted to be asked this question by a titled lady - and one who had just allowed me to enter on a tax form that she was sixty three years of age - that for a moment I did not answer. Sensing my confusion she added, "I don't really get the chance to ask anyone - I couldn't ask Archie. But I know we have broadband and I would like it if you could show me what to do." When I still hesitated, she added, "I'm no prude, you know."
I was somewhat hesitant about admitting that I most certainly did know how to access pornography and was, indeed, somewhat addicted to it. Eventually I took the plunge.
"What sort of thing would you like to see?"
She coloured a little but then murmured quietly, "Oh, naked men with big cocks I suppose."
"Okay". I turned to my laptop and navigated to a page which showed pictures of men and women, mainly naked, indulging in a variety of sexual activities.
"Oh, my goodness!" she exclaimed, "they are all, what should I say, very well endowed aren't they?" She was sitting close to me now and I could sense her rising excitement. I was also very aware that her skirt had ridden up and she was revealing her knees and several inches of smooth, stockinged thigh.
"Do they have moving pictures too?" she asked.
I quickly found a web page that showed video of a semi-clad woman vigorously performing fellatio on
her partner's huge penis.
"Oh, my goodness!" she said again - it was obviously one of her phrases. After watching the screen in fascination for several minutes she reached across for my hand and gently guided it under her skirt. I was all too aware that, as her financial adviser I was in an invidious position but, already aroused by the video I now found myself fully erect as I touched the soft flesh above her stocking top. When she began to murmur soft, encouraging noises and parted her legs a little to allow me access to her most intimate parts I found it impossible to resist. I was not surprised to find that the thin silk gusset of her knickers was already moist.
It was not long before she had whipped off her skirt and was lying on the richly carpeted floor of the study.
"Quickly! Get my knickers off," she gasped as I urgently unzipped my trousers. Kneeling in front of her, I slipped my fingers inside the waistband and gently pulled down the powder-blue panties revealing a neat triangle of dark pubic hair. Gently pushing her legs further apart I lay down with my head between them and began to explore her with my mouth. I heard her gasp with pleasure and murmur "Oh my goodness!" as I found her clitoris and began to tease it with the very tip of my tongue
After about ten minutes she was reduced to a state of complete abandon. Her legs were wide apart, her juices flowing freely and she was crying out in ecstasy. I knew that she was on the verge of orgasm. Suddenly her body went rigid and she let out a shriek of joy as the moment came. For an instant she remained rigid but then I felt her whole body subside although her pelvis was still moving involuntarily in a series of tiny spasms.
I raised myself to a kneeling position and, looking up, she could see that my penis was still massively erect. She reached out and held it, then gently drew me towards her. Placing her hands on my hips she raised her head and began to run her tongue round the tip as she had seen the woman on the website do, then pulled me closer and took the whole length of it deep in her mouth.
