Noc on the Door

We were there, at the same time, in the same place... but we were worlds apart. We walked the same sturdy ground where all that is easy and right rests. Where all things normal reside. We sense the same vibrations, taste the same sweetness of the rain. We breathe the same air and feel the same wind on our faces. Yet we see things so differently.

I am steadfast, relentless, determined, and content. You are upset, reckless, restless, and hungry. You are a dreamer, and I am a believer. We are dangerous for each other. We are messy, us two, and you frighten me.

The room is quiet. Soundless and empty. I sit alone in the cool air of the fan contemplating nothing. Wondering what I should be doing... reflecting on my day. You walk in and for the first time in a long time the ground moves. Vertigo sets in and I jump with a shock. The room is empty. Just me and you. Your gaze steals away my thoughts and wipes my memory clean. What was I thinking about again? What was I going to do? What had I been doing? Gone. Just you and me.

You close the door behind you and I look away finally. I know that you saw that look in my eyes, but you shake it off and walk past me to put your things away in another room. Your scent lingers and I sneak a deep breath, trying to calm my blood. It is racing from your closeness, but you were on the other side of the door when I sensed you coming... it's a painful ache but I know when you are near. When you walk past I can't breathe. I can't move.

You come back, and I pretend to be distracted. I pretend I don't know you are watching me. I pretend like I am busy and important and it makes me feel guilty because I beg to know how you are. I beg to know everything about you. I want to be part of it. I look up and try to speak. I just smile instead because everything I planned to say has just been wiped clean again. No recollection or inkling of the rehearsed lines. Stage fright... its pitiful. You would think that by now I would have it down pat. The same old lines. The same expressions. Day after day after day after day.

I blink and turn away, and you do the same. It isn't awkward. No. It's just quiet. That quiet that makes my throat hot and my stomach ache. That quiet that makes the back of my neck itch and makes me want to adjust my hair or fidget uncomfortably. You don't make me this way, I do. I overthink everything. I overplan everything. I overanalyze the simplest, most beautiful things until there is nothing left but washed up and worn out facts. Facts aren't fun. I need fun. I need excitement. So I look back toward you.

You are turned away from me for a moment and I see your body from behind. Your shoulders, broad and lean. Toned and rippled. I see the curves of your back and the sleekness of your arms. Not thin. But sleek. I watch for a moment as you move. Like a jaguar. Ripped, and smooth, and ready to pounce.

You turn and catch me again. I want to look away but I can't. I am locked into your gaze. My stomach is weak, my pupils dilated, and I am numb. My skin is hot from the blood pulsing, and I feel my veins expand as the adrenaline rises at my core. Nothing around me, just silence and stillness, and I notice your lips curve in challenge. The slightest smile gives away your amusement, and your brow twitches just so. You have been made, and our secret is out in the open. I feel my jaw drop as I inhale. My tongue is dry and tied but I do not need words. Nature has spoken.

I cannot take it, I must go. I must be free, and be alone. I cannot wait I cannot change for what I feel will cause so much pain. I know I should not want things I cannot have, and I have all I could ever want in life. I have a child I have a husband and I am a happy wife.

The moment is over and I proceed to other things. Petty distractions and lame excuses.

Standing in front of the mirror I try to view myself in your eyes. My long, thick, auburn locks cascade down my back and tumble over my shoulders and collar bones. Gray eyes pierce through your words and into their meaning. My heavy pout gives way to a hungry mouth and willing tongue. My teeth waiting to nibble on your neck. Creamy skin, ivory even, smooth and fresh. Dappled with fair freckles and glowing with lust. Begging to be touched. I reach up and pull my shirt up over my head. The fabric tickles my arm and brushes my leg on its fall to the ground. I take a second look. Full, proud, healthy breasts on display, yours for the taking. Waiting patiently adorned in black lace and red ribbon. Red. The color of passion. The color of blood. The color of desire. My skirt hits the ground and lands at my feet. Long, shapely legs and smooth feminine curves. Legs for wrapping around you. Hips ready to welcome your grasp. One quick swipe over my body and I imagine my hand is yours. The thought makes me dizzy, my skin crawls with bumps as my hairs stand on end.

The steam from the shower billows out past the curtain. Heartily filling the room with its urgency. The water pours down my face and soaks me warm. I crank it up to feel the burn on my body, and wish it could match the burn inside. Lathered in a rich crème I slowly massage myself clean. I cannot wash away my fantasies though. They are impatient. They have stained my soul and I cannot rub them free.

Fresh. Clean. The sting of the steam still licking my skin as I step out of the shower and wrap loosely in my robe. The cashmere toying at my neck as I pull it closer. I close my eyes and dream it is your touch. I don't have to try hard to imagine it is your mouth sampling my many elements. I picture you taunting me with a playful game of "close enough to feel your breath."

I emerge. Ready, willing and able. And yet, I use everything in me to avoid your eyes. I know that what I want is wrong but I know that what I want feels right. I want fire. I want the rush. I want the ache and the burn and the pain and the glory of this power pulsing into me. I want you.

We play again. That familiar game. You watch me and I watch you. Waiting for the stars to align or the fly on the wall to give the signal. Anything. Any sign that it is the right moment.

Finally we begin a conversation. Unimportant and nondescript. Weather or something foolish and bland. I see you though, I see your pulse flicker in your throat as your blood pumps faster. I watch your chest rise and fall with each quickening breath. I am intrigued by your patience, and yet I see your instincts urging you along just below the surface. In a brief moment of do or die I stand up as if to go somewhere useful and adjust the throw pillows in a most conspicuous way. I feel your eyes scanning me from behind. I feel the sting of your stare pierce my legs and my ears start to ring.

I am running out of resolve. I cannot wait any longer. And I take a seat next to you. Close enough to touch but enough space as not to be forward. I want to play. I want to tease. I want to teach and learn and just breathe.

You tell jokes and I laugh. I smile and you lean closer. I toss my head back and fall giddy and breathless. Your eyes are glittering excitedly in the lamplight and I can almost feel your mind sparking with electricity when I skim my hand across your arm.

The night plays slow and steady. A simmering, smoldering, yet frantic burn. I savor the moment knowing the inevitable is just a touch away. I've never done this before. Not in this life. In my past life, before I made my promises to another man. Before I made promises to myself. This sensation is tantalizing. Sensual and frightening. We toy with each other. Words that don't make sense because I am too distracted with your mouth. Just a kiss away from mine. The magnetism is building. That throb in the back of my head. My shoulders itching to lean closer. Dizzy from the air between us.

You say something quiet in my ear, your breath wraps my head, and I falling. I'm drowning slowly in gauzy layers of speed and tranquility. Where day meets night and the moon and sun are side by side. You tuck your chin into my neck and mumble something clever and unimportant in my ear again. Nothing meaningful or romantic, just something to make me smile at your voice. A laziness comes over my eyes and they are cast into a daze, and my lids falling heavily closed.

In a quick moment my life is separated into before and after. There is before your lips finally touched my skin... and after. And I knew in that instant that we would never be the same.

The smoothness of your tongue played sneakily across my collar bone, and your hands grasped my waist and head. Your fingers wrapped into my locks had my mind exploding. No, I didn't kiss you back. I couldn't move. I was liquid in your hands. Moving and molding to you like the waves of the sea crashing to the shore. My body loose and limber and your mouth eager to explore it.

My eyes drift softly open as you pull away. Staring at each other for an eternity. Just as I am content with your expression, you thrust me toward you and we are standing now. Hands. Hair. Lips. Air. Heat building, mouth watering, liquid motion and nothing around for miles... at least not to us. Drifting loosely around the room as we spin and whirl deeper and deeper. Rock bottom. Before I know it my backs against the wall. Its cool and slick behind me and I am no match for you. Your chest is broad, firm and strong as it presses against mine. I want you close to me. So close I can feel the fireworks all over. My mind is exploding as you ease away again ever so slightly to examine me one last time. In a split second all is black. Your thumb slicks across my hip and your hand is gripping me close to you. One hand behind my neck and I go under. Scooping my head in our lips collide with a silent crash. Blood pumping in my ears, my writs, my legs, anywhere but my brain. Force and power lead the way and I succumb to your trance. I can no longer breathe. I sink so far I don't want to stop. You are like a drug I swore I'd never try, and now I am addicted. My stomach is aching and my legs are weak. You are holding me up with your body and I am suffocating with desire. I can hardly catch my breath. Everything hurts in the best way. I need you.

I don't want to let go. I don't want to look away. I want to stay here against this cold wall wrapped in nothing but your body and stay like this forever. But I cannot do that. I want so badly for you to understand that I cannot have more. I want it all and I am on the verge of begging. I want you and all of you and just me and you always. I pull you close... so close... for just a minute more... the just like that, there's a knock on the door...