If Great Authors Wrote Porn #05

If Great Authors Wrote Porn #05 Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Many scholarly theses have been written on the subject of Shakespearean bawdry. The Bard of Avon was no prude and sprinkled rude jokes through his plays for the edification of the audience in the pit. However, the majority of them are obscure to the modern reader because of changes in vulgar slang over the centuries. Herewith I offer my humble imagination of how he might write porn for the modern mind. I have no doubt it will be the subject of much criticism as even the original has over the centuries.

ACT I

Scene I A Street in Venice.

(Enter ANTONIO and Bassanio, in conversation)

ANTONIO

Well, tell me now what lady is the same

To whom you swore a secret pilgrimage,

To bring her pussy's sweetness soft to bed

That you to-day promised to tell me of?

BASSANIO

Of all of men who chase the fairest flower

That ever women hid between their legs,

I owe the most, in money and in love,

And from your love I have a warranty

To unburden all my plots and purposes

How to get clear of all the debts I owe.

ANTONIO

I pray you, good Bassanio, let me know it;

And if it stand, as yet your cock still does

To pierce the depth of this maid's pussy sweet,

My purse, my person, my extremest means,

Lie all unlock'd to your occasions.

BASSANIO

In Belmont is a lady richly left;

And she is fair, and so doth have such boobs,

Of wondrous virtue: sometimes from her eyes

I did receive fair speechless messages:

Her name is Portia, nothing undervalued

To Cato's daughter, Brutus' Portia:

Nor is the wide world ignorant of her cunt,

For the four winds blow in from every coast

Hard cocked suitors, and her sunny hair

Lies fair upon her pussy down below.

O my Antonio, had I but the means

To hold my cock along with one of them,

I have a mind presages me such thrift,

That I should questionless be fucking her anon!

ANTONIO

That shall be rack'd, even to the uttermost,

To furnish thee to Portia's boobs and ass.

Go, presently inquire, and so will I,

Where money is, and I no question make

To have it of my trust or for my sake.

(Exeunt)

SCENE II Portia's bedchamber

PORTIA

The length of a cock may be the measure of a man,

But this reasoning is not in the fashion to

choose me a husband. O me, the word 'choose!' I may

neither choose which cock I like nor dislike;

so is the will of a daughter's pussy curbed

by the will of a dead father. Is it not hard,

Yea, as hard as the cocks which do stand waiting for me,

Jessica, that I cannot choose one nor refuse none?

JESSICA

My father Shylock is a Jew and a money-lender;

And yet tween you and me true friendship grows.

As our fathers were different so are we alike.

My father is strict and allows me no cock to seek.

Your father was ever virtuous; therefore the lottery,

that his will devised in these three cloths of gold,

silver and linen, whereof who chooses your pussy

shall have thy troth. But those whose cocks drive them,

these princely suitors that are already here

though here they have not yet come,

what now, when do they hazard a choice?

PORTIA

I pray thee, over-name them; and as thou namest

them, I will describe their rods; and, according to my

description, level at my affection.

JESSICA

First, there is the Moorish prince.

PORTIA

Ay, that's a colt indeed, for he doth nothing but

talk of his horse; and vaunts it about that he is

e'en so hung himself. I am much afeard my lady his

mother was fucked by a blacksmith.

JESSICA

Then how likes thou the Count of Arragon?

PORTIA

Very vilely in the morning, when he is sober, and

most vilely in the afternoon, when he is drunk: when

he arises his shaft is hard and he doth piss it away, and

when he is drunk it doth fall so low I cannot find it.

He is little better than a beast:

and the worst fall that ever fell, I hope I shall

make shift to not be fucked by him.

JESSICA

If he should offer to choose, and choose the right

cloth, you should refuse to perform your father's

will, if you should refuse to give him your cunt.

PORTIA

If I live to be as old as Sibylla, I will die as

chaste as Diana, unless I be obtained by the manner

of my father's will. Therefore, for fear of the worst,

set a deep glass of rhenish wine on the contrary drape,

for if the devil be within and that temptation

without, I know he will choose it rather than my pussy.

JESSICA

And Bassiano, he who makes the third

To lust to taste thy cunt juice, lady?

PORTIA

Now of the lot, methinks he pleases best,

If only his prick does have the length of

those lonesome shanks, and if only his

purse did have the length of his prick,

then should I wish that he may endeavor

to lift the cloth that doth my pussy hide.

(Enter a Serving-man)

How now! what news?

SERVANT

Tonight, Madam, they shall make their choices.

(Exit serving man)

PORTIA

So tonight is my pussy to be displayed for all

And hard cocks to make play to enter it

By this auction of choosing cloths.

(Exeunt)

SCENE III. Venice. A public place.

(Enter BASSANIO and SHYLOCK )

SHYLOCK

Three thousand ducats; well.

BASSANIO

Ay, sir, for three months. For the which, as I told you, Antonio shall be bound.

SHYLOCK

Antonio shall become bound; well.

BASSANIO

May you stead me? will you say me yes? shall I

know your answer?

SHYLOCK

Antonio is a good man. Oh, no, no, no, no: my meaning in saying he is a

good man is to have you understand me that he is

sufficient. Three thousand ducats; I think I may

take his bond. I will be assured I may; and, that I may be assured,

I will bethink me. May I speak with Antonio?

(Enter ANTONIO)

BASSANIO

This is Signior Antonio.

SHYLOCK

This kindness will I show.

Go with me to a notary, seal me there

Your single bond; and, in a merry sport,

If you repay me not on such a day,

In such a place, such sum or sums as are

Express'd in the condition, let the forfeit

Be nominated for an equal pound

Of your fair flesh, to be cut off and taken

From the very end of your fine Christian cock.

ANTONIO

Content, i' faith: I'll seal to such a bond

And say there is much kindness in the Jew.

BASSANIO

You shall not seal to such a bond for me:

I'll rather dwell in my necessity.

Portia's cunt spread on my couch I long to see

But not so much to take thy cock from thee.

ANTONIO

Come on: in this there can be no dismay;

My ships come home a month before the day.

And when my well filled ship lies at the dock

He shall never have his pound from off my cock.

(Exeunt)

ACT II

SCENE I Belmont. A room in PORTIA'S house.

(Flourish of cornets. Enter the PRINCE OF MOROCCO and his train; JESSICA, and others attending )

MOROCCO

Mislike me not for my complexion,

The shadow'd livery of the burnish'd sun,

To whom I am a neighbour and near bred.

The best-regarded virgins of our clime

Have loved it too: I would not change this hue,

Except to steal the pussy of fair Portia.

JESSICA

Go into the bedroom now and discover

There several curtains, oh my noble prince.

Now make your choice.

MOROCCO

The first, of gold, who this inscription bears,

'Who chooseth me shall gain what many men desire;'

The second, silver, which this promise carries,

'Who chooseth me shall get as much as he deserves;'

This third, plain linen, with warning all as blunt,

'Who chooseth me must give and hazard all he hath.'

How shall I know if I do choose the right?

JESSICA

Well shall you know, my lord, by Portia's pussy

found behind the curtain. I doubt not you will know it.

MOROCCO

What many men desire? Shall I try the gold?

O sinful thought! Never so rich a gem

Was set in worse than gold. They have in England

A coin that bears the figure of an angel

Stamped in gold, but that's insculp'd upon;

Behind the cloth of gold, what I desire must lie.

JESSICA

There, open it, prince; and if her cunt is there,

Then she is yours. Raise the cloth but as high

as your girdle, and feel what doth ensue beneath.

(He raises the cloth of gold.)

MOROCCO

What! Whose hands are these that grasping my crotch

Do draw me under the cloth so fair? Forsooth, my tights are down,

And my cock springs forth ready. Can she abide its length,

its girth, its thrusting force? Soft around it I feel wet and warm.

But hold, is this a pussy here? What tickles the tip of my rod,

So like a busy tongue? Methinks behind the cloth of gold,

Soft lips enwrap my cock and take it deep. No fair slit here,

But a blow job strong is my reward. Ah, suck and suck,

Fair maid, and with thy hands stroke the shaft even as thy mouth

Does take it deep and warm. And faster speed, upwards, down,

Until I shoot my juices thus, Aha, I come! And so am spent.

But now from soft hands a parchment's giv'n me. Now let me read.

(Reads)

"All that glitters is not gold;

Often have you heard that told:

Many a man his life hath sold

But a fair cunt to behold:

But let soft lips your cock enfold.

Had you been as wise as bold,

Your answer had not been inscroll'd:

Fare you well; your suit is cold."

(Pulling up his tights)

Cold, indeed; and labour lost:

Then, farewell, heat, and welcome, frost!

Portia, adieu. I have too soft a prick

To take a tedious leave: thus losers part.

(Exit with his train. Flourish of cornets)

(The curtain opens and Portia, unclothed, looks out.)

PORTIA

A gentle riddance. Draw the curtains, go.

Let all of his complexion choose me so.

(Exeunt)

SCENE II. Belmont. A room in PORTIA'S house.

(Enter JESSICA to PORTIA, nude on the bed)

JESSICA

Quick, quick, I pray thee; draw the curtain straight:

The Prince of Arragon hath ta'en his oath,

And comes to his election presently.

(Flourish of cornets. Enter the PRINCE OF ARRAGON with his train)

JESSICA

Behold, there are the curtains, noble prince:

If you choose that wherein her pussy lies,

Straight shall you nuptial rites be solemnized:

But if you fail, without more speech, my lord,

You must be gone from hence immediately.

ARRAGON

Now to my heart's hope! Gold; silver; and linen white.

'Who chooseth me must give and hazard all he hath.'

You shall look fairer, ere I give or hazard.

What says the golden sheet? ha! let me see:

'Who chooseth me shall gain what many men desire.'

What many men desire! that 'many' may be meant

By the fool multitude, that choose by show,

I will not choose what many men desire,

And rank me with the ass licking multitudes.

Why, then to thee, thou silver curtain fair;

Tell me once more what title thou dost bear:

'Who chooseth me shall get as much as he deserves:'

I will take what I deserve. That curtain I will lift,

For my cock throbs to feel what it deserves.

(He lifts the silver curtain)

Soft are the hands that pull my cock inside,

Now it does find a place to rest also soft,

But not so warm and wet that pussy it might be.

I think her boobs do now enfold my shaft,

And a tit job my reward 'neath silver cloth.

Ay, there's the rub, between those soft mounds fair,

And nipples hard do tickle the tip of my shaft

While it works its way into that soft valley.

Now rolls around, now thrusts, now throbs, and yet again

Moves back and forth with pleasure in each nerve.

Ay, hard grasp it and firmly press each boob,

As I jerk forth and back and reach my peak.

And now between soft tits I climb the height,

And milky boobs appear from what I loose.

So fine, so fair, so soft, but cunt they never be.

I came, I looked, anon I came again, and lost.

What is here? A parchment. I shall read.

(Reads)

"I fear that thou did choose amiss.

Some there be that titties kiss;

Such have but a boob job's bliss:

There be fools alive, I wis,

Silver'd o'er; and so was this."

(Exeunt Arragon and train)

PORTIA

Thus hath the candle singed the moth.

O, these deliberate fools! when they do choose,

They have the wisdom by their wit to lose.

JESSICA

The ancient saying is no heresy,

Hanging and screwing goes by destiny.

PORTIA

Come, draw the curtain, Jessica.

ACT III

SCENE I. Venice. A street.

(Enter SALANIO and SALARINO )

SALANIO

Now, what news on the Rialto?

SALARINO

Why, yet it lives there uncheck'd that Antonio hath

a ship of rich lading wrecked on the narrow seas;

And I fear with his ship being wrecked,

So is his fortune lost and with it his cock also.

Let me say 'amen' betimes, lest the devil cross my

prayer, for here he comes in the likeness of a Jew.

(Enter SHYLOCK)

How now, Shylock! what news among the merchants?

SHYLOCK

You know, none so well, none so well as you, of my

daughter Jessica's flight. She has gone to Portia

so each may find some strange dick strong enough

to penetrate their virginities.

SALARINO

(aside) And even now she makes the beast with two backs

with that Gratiano who has stolen her pussy.

(To Shylock) But tell us, do you hear whether Antonio have had any

loss at sea or no?

SHYLOCK

There I have another bad match: a bankrupt, a

prodigal, who dare scarce show his head on the

Rialto; let him look to his cock: he was wont to

call me usurer; I shall call him as a woman cut.

SALARINO

Why, I am sure, if he forfeit, thou wilt not take

his dick: what's that good for?

SHYLOCK

To bait fish withal: if it will feed nothing else,

it will feed my revenge. He hates me because I am a Jew. Hath

not a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, a cock,

dimensions, senses, passions? If you prick us, do we not bleed?

If you jerk our dick, do we not come? and if you wrong us, shall we not

revenge? I shall go and fee me an officer; I

will have the cock of him, if he forfeit; for, were

he out of Venice, I can make what merchandise I

will.

(Exeunt)

SCENE II. Belmont. A room in PORTIA'S house.

(Enter BASSANIO, PORTIA, GRATIANO, JESSICA and Attendants )

BASSANIO

Let me choose

For as I am, my cock lives hard and throbs.

But let me to my fortune and the curtains.

PORTIA

Away, then! I spread my pussy 'hind one of them:

If you do love me, you will find me out.

Jessica and the rest, stand all aloof.

Let music sound while he doth make his choice.

(exit Portia)

BASSANIO

Cloth of gold, and silver bright, and then of linen pure.

Gold ornament is but the guiled shore

To a most dangerous sea; the beauteous scarf

Veiling an Indian beauty's boobs; Therefore, thou gaudy gold,

Hard food for Midas, I will none of thee;

Nor none of thee, silver pale and common drudge

'Tween man and maid: but thou, thou linen white,

Which rather threatenest than dost promise aught,

Thy paleness moves me more than eloquence;

And here choose I; joy be the consequence!

(raises the linen curtain.)

What find I here? Fair Portia's slit indeed?

Nay, I fear a beard I feel. Not Portia but a man?

Though a youth's mouth may give a man his peak,

Yet bearded elder never pleases my cock.

But stay, what man hath a beard so soft and fine?

Here between her legs the spider hath woven

A golden mesh to entrap the hearts of men.

'Neath curly hairs I find two sweet lips,

But set not like a mouth. Now do they kiss

and now they suck in my cock.

Tis true warm wet depths I have found,

And as I thrust my cock into this cunt

I know that truly Portia I now fuck.

Her hips she twists and holds my cock so tight

I thrust in deep and do enjoy its rise.

Moan, Portia, moan as I do swivven thee

And now cry out as hard we come together.

(he falls exhausted across Portia's body)

But what writing she hands me now?

(reads)

"You that choose not by the view,

Chance as fair and choose as true!

Since this pussy falls to you,

Be now content and seek no new,

If you be well pleased with this

And thrust your cock thus for your bliss,

Turn you where your lady is

And claim her pussy with a kiss."

JESSICA

My lord and lady, it is now our time,

That have stood by and seen you both well pleasured,

To cry, good joy: good joy, my lord and lady!

GRATIANO

My lord Bassanio and my gentle lady,

I wish you all fucking that you can wish;

For I am sure that I do wish it too:

And when your honours mean to solemnize

The bargain of your faith, I do beseech you,

Even at that time I may be married too.

BASSANIO

With all my heart, so thou canst get a wife.

GRATIANO

I thank your lordship, you have got me one.

My eyes, my lord, can look as swift as yours:

You saw her pussy, I beheld her friend's;

You fucked there, and as you did I fucked her here.

No more pertains to me, my lord, than you.

I got a promise of this fair one here

To have her pussy, provided that your fortune

Achieved her friend's cunt so well.

BASSANIO

Our feast shall be much honour'd in your marriage.

GRATIANO

We'll play with them the first boy for a thousand ducats.

PORTIA

But if that's the game, Jessica, we must fuck often and well.

I think that even now we must begin this race.

(Exeunt)

SCENE III A room in Portia's house

(Enter Portia and Bassiano, and Jessica and Gratiano, but partly dressed)

PORTIA

What now, Jessica, I fear thy boobs do show through

that scanty fabric that thou display. It makes me even

think you have sported through the night.

And truly, that cloth wound round his hips

doth scarcely conceal the cock thou lovest.

JESSICA

And thou, Portia, doth show thy lovely legs even

up until that nest of golden hair that he so loves.

I think he has sported in fair pastures the whole night long,

but now his prick is worn and used and not upstanding.

(enter a servant)

BASSIANO

What, interrupt our sport? Hath thou no heart?

SERVANT

I did, my lord;

And I have reason for it. Signior Antonio

Commends him to you.

(Gives Bassanio a letter. Bassiano reads.)

PORTIA

There are some shrewd contents in yon same paper,

That steals the colour from Bassanio's cheek:

BASSIANO

But is it true, my man?

Have Antonio's ventures fail'd? What, not one hit?

SERVANT

Not one, my lord.

And the Jew doth demand his bond, even his pound of flesh

to be cut off from Antonio's long Christian cock.

JESSICA

When I was with him I have heard him swear

That he would rather have Antonio's prick

Than twenty times the value of the sum.

It will go hard with poor Antonio.

PORTIA

What sum owes he the Jew?

BASSANIO

For me three thousand ducats.

PORTIA

What, no more?

Pay him six thousand, and deface the bond;

Double six thousand, and then treble that,

Before a friend of this description

Shall lose his dick through Bassanio's fault.

O love, dispatch all business, and be gone!

And Gratiano you must with him too.

BASSANIO

Since I have your good leave to go away,

I will make haste: but, till I come again,

No bed shall e'er be guilty of my stay,

No pussy interposer 'twixt us twain,

My cock will spurt itself only in thy cunt.

Come, Gratiano, let us be dressed and off.

(Exeunt Bassiano and Gratiano)

PORTIA

Come on, Jessica; I have work in hand

That you yet know not of: we'll see our husbands

Before they think of us.

JESSICA

Shall they see us?

PORTIA

They shall, Jessica; but in such a habit,

That they shall think we are accomplished

With dicks we lack. I'll hold thee any wager,

When we are both accoutred like young men,

I'll prove the prettier fellow of the two,

And wear my stiff rod with the braver grace.